How can I do things better next time?

[Candyfloss1122]

So I have a beautiful DD who is 10.5months old, and a ds on the way who is due early next year.

I have found adjusting to motherhood hard, and very stressful at times, but above everything I have found my dd nap situation the most challenging part of motherhood, to the point I feel like it has driven me close to losing my mind.

I'll try to summarize it as I fear this could be a very long post! Since around 4 weeks old, she stopped just falling asleep anywhere and each and every nap required ALOT of work, be that moving in the sling constantly, pushing in the pram (it's would take 30-60mins to get her to sleep even from a month old) and would last no longer than 30 minutes, driving in the car (again, 30 mintues and eyes would ping open with no chase of going back off).

To this day, I still spend every moment it seems Jeeping tabs on her awake time, so that I can begin the sleep process, these days that is either a car nap, or a cot nap. They still last little over 45 mins...but it's better than 30!

I made the mistake of reading somewhere when DD was born that 30 minutes isn't a "proper nap", which was probably the worst thing I could ever have read as it has meant I have become so frustrated with every nap it has massively tainted the whole first year of her life.

Now that ds is on the way, I want things to be different. I don't want to obsess over his naps, I'm emotionally exhausted by it all and it has made me so miserable. He may also be a 30 minute napper, but how can I learn to be ok with this and enjoy life a bit more? How can I do things better this time so that I just accept this having and not let it drown me?

Sorry if that seems waffley, really hoping some wise mum's out there have some advice so I don't make the same mistakes again and actually go insane!

Both of mine have been very brief nappers (in fact a 10 minute power nap would be totally fine for DD at your DD's age) and early nap droppers but they are jolly, bright and healthy so it doesn't seem to have mattered much.

Hopefully you'll be generally more laid back second time around so the nap thing won't stress you out as much. And you'll be busy with your DD so your DS' naps will just happen here and there.

I wonder if there is more to it though - that you have been so upset by this nap situation?

Candy when yiu say that you spend every moment keeping tabs on her awake time, it does seem a bit excessive and hard for you too. Are you a naturally anxious person or did you become so anxious after having DD?

Do you think The No Cry Nap Solution would help?

Sorry, I’ve done the typical MN thing of not answering your question!

My first had awful naps and sleep. I read Babycalming by Caroline Deacon whilst pg with DC2 and guess what, I had a much more content and relaxed baby. So that’s me suggestion, read Babycalming

I ordered a better sleeper for my second.

There is no returns policy as he was definitely defective in this regard... :S

But I’ve found it easier - partly because with a four year age gap I knew it would get better eventually (still waiting at 20 months...) and partly because I realised different children, different requirements.

I hope you enjoy it more this time (tbh I’ve nit enjoyed the first year with either of mine particularly, but after 1 things improve radically...

I tried really hard with my second to not look at the clock. And I planned nice things to do, a mix of being home & out and we did them regardless of naps. We had meals at regular times and from about 9 months at some point in the afternoon they would have a better nap so I moved our activities so we were generally out in the morning & home in the afternoon. But I generally prioritised doing things I liked, and my toddler enjoyed and the baby just napped from time to time, mostly in the car BUT they were perfectly happy when awake...

@everyone I would say that I do have a tendency to be anxious, however I am fully aware and can admit that the situation with dds naps have become almost an obsession...I joke with dh that I am "one bad nap away from a break down"...but tbh it isn't really a joke 😬
I just wish I didn't care so much in a way, and would like to some how achieve that when do arrives, a more go with the flow attitude because it has really tainted my first year with DD.

If she hasn't had a good nap I feel terrible guilt and that I am letting her down. She would stay awake all day long if I let her, so it makes me feel like it's my responsibility to ensure she naps, and if out of convenience I forgo a nap (not that this ever really happens), it eats me up inside.

I know this is totally not healthy, maybe it's a strange form of pnd? I'm not really sure, any advice is greatly received!

Don't keep them awake - if they're tired, they should be allowed to sleep.

This was the best piece of advice I ever got and I got it on Mumsnet from a lovely lady on the sleep board called FateDestiny. It completely changed the way I thought about baby sleep.

Don't have set times for naps - instead try to judge when they're due by taking into account baby's awake time, activities (have they been busy? Have they been meeting lots of people?) and tiredness cues (laughing and chattering slightly less often was the first cue for my DS - not moaning or eye rubbing, which were signs that he was now too tired and would be a pain to put down).

Nowadays DS is 14mo and we do keep him awake is he seems tired after 4pm, but any earlier and he gets a nap.

DS is a decent sleeper and I honestly credit this advice with it as it made such a difference straight away.

Also, my mum has a theory that every mother has one 'thing' that they worry about most/obsess over. For me it was bacteria and I became frankly quite mad for a while and even hallucinated about giving my baby dirty water when I was at my most sleep deprived. The house was full of dettol, antibac wipes, antibac sprays, I would flip my lid if DH didn't wash bottles a certain way etc. My mum was obsessed with feeding. Your thing is clearly naps! It's horrible and stressful to obsess so much but I also think it's quite normal, and our way of attempting to take control of a situation that is quite overwhelming at times.

I ask myself 'what would a non-anxious person do in this situation?' whenever I feel my panic rising because DS has dropped his dummy or something. It really helps me put things into perspective.

One word OP: acceptance

Accept they don't all follow the perfect routines the books describe, accept you can't MAKE them sleep / eat / poo. Yes you do want you can to support and facilitate these things but if it doesn't work, so be it.

Everyone has to learn this sometime, in my opinion a lot of parenting of children teens etc where there are problems come from the parent not having a clear sense of what IS their responsibility (support, help, comfort, opportunities) and what isn't (actually doing this or that).

For babies, this means accepting and working with the patterns they have. Books describe a 12 hour night sleeping baby with a perfect routine of naps. But most don't do exactly that. Yours doesn't do long daytime naps. Mine wouldn't sleep in the evenings (and at 4.5 is still a big night owl) some of them start their day,every day, at 5am.

Often this pattern isn't 'fixable' despite the industry of advice telling you it is.

And life gets better when you accept and work with their rhythms rather than manage / fight them

You poor thing. I know 100% what you’re going through. Others will disagree but in my exp, a 30-45 min napper is a classic ‘symptom’ of a baby that can’t self-settle. 30-45 mins is a typical baby sleep cycle - they naturally rouse at that time during sleep and if they’re not doing the thing they were doing when they fell asleep (being fed/rocked/held etc) or just don’t have settling skills, they’ll wake up. A baby that can SS will go back to sleep.

I was you with my first. 6 months of utter exhaustion and stress as she would wake at 45mins every nap time. I could set my watch by her. I discovered the Baby Whisperer and I swear it changed our lives. Taught her to SS in a matter of days and she became a brilliant napper. I can’t recommend this (short!) book enough www.amazon.co.uk/Top-Tips-Baby-Whisperer-Secrets/dp/0091929725/ref=nodl_?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I don't have any advice I'm just shamelessly place-marking as I could've written this post myself!

I also stressed too much with DS (now 4) and am desperately hoping to be more relaxed this time (currently 11 weeks).

I had to bully coerce him into a rough routine and it only improved after sleep training at 6mths when he learned how to self settle and his naps started lengthening. Have you tried any kind of sleep training? Not necessarily controlled crying!

He now sleeps really well and our only complaint is when he wakes before 7! This has been the case for ages now.

I'm assured DC2 is easier as they have to fit into DC1s routine. Here's hoping!

OP I don't know about PND but I really don't think this attitude is normal or healthy. I really agree with what CatsRock has said but will you be able to achieve this acceptance? If not it might be worth having a chat with your HV about it?

I can't really relate to this idea that every Mum has something they're this anxious about, I don't see that in myself or any of my friends. I don't think you should feel resigned to feeling this way.

Agree with Cats. I don’t think every Mum has something she’s so anxious over either and I think it would be good to speak to your GP.

Also, did you manage to look at the books and do you think PG Yoga will help you to relax?

Sorry forgot to add another thing that may help. Iif you are prone to reading up, then getting anxious, id really advise only reading evidence based material. Kellymom and La Leche League are both good resources for Bfing.

The Baby Calming book I mentioned is evidence based as is the No Cry Sleep Solution.

Thank you everyone so much for your kind comments and helpful advice.

I guess I'm not going to know how I will feel until lol is here, but I'm definitely feeling more optimistic that things can be different this time, or at the very least I can learn to be accepting from a much earlier date than letting it carry on as it has with DD.

Hi OP. I could have written this thread. My ds is 2 next month and I'm currently 23 weeks pregnant.
Ds was a bloody awful sleeper. As in he only napped on my boob or in the car for short bursts and at night we never got more than a 2 hours stretch. I was broken and hated being a mum. I read something that said poor day sleep = worse night sleep and therefore i also became obsessive over naps.
I managed to mould ds to move to 1 nap a day at 11 months and that nap is 12pm-2.30pm every day and since then he's slept through at night. Because of this even now 1 year on I plan my entire life around this nap in fear of he doesn't have it we'll revert back!
I am so worked about how I'll cope when dc2 arrives, I keep telling myself I have to be more chilled about it and start relaxing about ds1 too so we can actually have a life. Some I know have 3 or 4 kids under 5 and seem to have great social lives all I think is "when do the kids nap".
It's ridiculous.
Anyway, so sorry for rambling without actually giving you advice but guess my just here to say you're not alone :-)

@whytheheckme thank you for your message. You have articulated exactly how I feel about naps and it is totally draining!

I am 26 weeks pregnant so not that far ahead of you, seems we will be figuring out if we can handle naps differently the second time round at the same time!