HELP ME prep for life with 2 kids

[Pansy0926]

When my second baby is born, DS1 will have just turned three. I am scared stiff of how to cope, to the point of wondering if this pregnancy was a very bad decision. Please help.

Last time was a blur of sleeplessness and anxiety at the idea of leaving the house...how will I care for a 3 year too? DS1 sleeps through the night for the most part. He will wake once or twice for a sip of water (he insists on it being personally handed to him and taken away) but that’s it. He sleeps 7pm-6am. No naps during the day. He goes to nursery for three hours a day during the week. He is not yet potty trained, tho I definitely intend of having him out of nappies before I give birth.

Last time I let the housework lie and folllowed advice, where possible, to sleep when the baby slept. And boy did I need that sleep.

Any advice at all to help me cope? DH will be working full time.

Should I invest in a sling? Plan meals? Prep food ahead? When will I sleep?

And how do I keep the new baby safe from a clumsy and occasionally pushy/hitty toddler? Also...I kept wondering how I could ever love another baby as much as my first son...but then I read an article about a woman who said coming home, her toddler seemed like a stranger, and so huge and demanding compared to her new baby...she said it took more than a year to come to her senses and love her older child again. This sounds horrifyingly, loving your children seems like something you shouldn’t need to worry about, but now I’m worrying about all this too! Do I need to emotionally prep myself in anyway so I dont end up like this?

Firstly, you're a pro at babies, you've got one to preschooler age and survived, all things newborn will come flooding back and you'll wonder why you struggled so much when you had only 1.

Remember when you didn't know what that cry meant, how the poppers on the gro did up right, how to eat and comfort the baby? You won't have the worries this time around.

And best of all, waking in the night won't be so traumatic because you've had 3 years of it already, you're used to it!

So, it's the 3yo that's the challenge. But you're a Pro, so you'll be fine. My suggestions:

Buy a wrap sling and google how to tie it, practice with a teddy or something. I wore mine nearly all day for 6 weeks once dd2 got out of the sleepy put me anywhere and I'll doze off stage. I'd pop her in and out whenever she needed comfort or a nap.

Work at making the house child friendly for a self sufficient 3 year old. Books, simple toys, fruit bowl (if trustworthy) accessible so if you're stuck feeding etc it's not the end of the world.

Buy little toys for difficult times, e.g. Stickers or craft things. Some do a busy basket that only comes out when feeding or settling for naps.

Once baby here and before and talking things through whenever possible, quality time over housework.

Expect major regression (our DD 3.5 had a sudden and complete 'inability' to dress/undress herself for quite a while, even putting wellies on suddenly impossible. She also started hitting DH and I, and bit DD once (just curious really I think). Zero tolerance, no allowances. DD also had a lot of 'convenient' toileting accidents when I was busy with newborn. It all passed.

Bigging up big sister, wow DD, baby is looking at you. Why? Cos she thinks you're amazing! You're walking, eating food, whatever mundane thing, she can't do that yet!

Verbalising whenever baby has to wait for big sister, sorry baby you'll have to wait, I'm brushing sisters hair. Etc

Sorry for brain dump. It'll be hard but you'll be fine. My biggest tip is to master a sling though. There are sling meets you can go to for tips and trying different types

*zero tolerance on violence not on regressing with clothes. I helped a lot more especially when she was tired, and 'coached' rather than did for the really easy things so helping without doing.

THANK YOU! Unbelievably helpful. How th hell did mums like me with no mum friends ever cope without the internet I just don’t know.

I like the busy basket idea especially, that’s one I never would have thought of.

I had a bag of new and exciting things that came out one at a time.

Cbeebies starts repeating itself about 2pm, if I found we were watching Mr Bloom for the second time that day I categorised that as not a parenting award day

Get out of the house. It doesn't matter if you forget nappies or wipes, there are people with babies everywhere and they will happily help you out.

I have been a lot tougher with dd2 than dd1. I didn't want to be constantly saying 'she's too little to understand' because I didn't think dd1 would grasp that. So dd2 has been scolded from a very young age for minor transgressions so that dd1 does not feel victimised!

Believe me you will classify the baby as the “easy one” compared to the 3 year old (if yours is anything like mine anyway!) . Few tips I’ve learnt :

1. Have somewhere in each room safe to put the baby if need too quickly (pram, bouncy chair etc) . My toddler acted out quite a bit when the baby came and would literally do everything they knew they weren’t allowed to and I had to react quick to stop an injury etc!
2. Have food prepared and frozen so it can just be lifted out in the morning to defrost for dinner
3. Get a buggy board for pram - lifesaver

All in all I will admit it’s really hard work (exactly two years between mine) and you don’t get to sleep when the baby sleeps which undoubtedly is hard (no 1 even told me to the second time round lol) plus being pulled in 2 different directions all day. BUT honestly it is worth it, baby is 7 months now and the bond and interaction my two have really does make me smile on even the hardest days

Sling

Cbeebies/ TV/ ipad/ films

Cut yourself a lot of slack.

I put so much pressure on myself when DC2 arrived that life had to continue as normal for 2.5yr old DC1 (i.e. out and about doing stuff, etc). I wish I'd just chilled out and vegged in front of the TV with them both. DC1 would have been perfectly happy and I wouldn't have been trying to placate a hungry/wet/tired newborn and a toddler in public.

A few weeks/ months of more screen time and fish fingers than usual will do no one any harm in the long run!

Oh actually number 1 should be get a sling. I didn’t have one for my first, got one for my second and it is awesome. Means baby is safe and secure and you have free hands for the 3 year old!

I have two boys with a (just about) 3yr age gap. They're almost 4 and 7 now.

I couldn't get on with slings with either, but then I had two c-sections, have always had a weak/sore lower back, and actually don't like having another person strapped to me ! So I second what someone else said; have somewhere in each room you can pop baby down safely for a few mins. Pram, car seat, Moses basket, bouncer/swing.

Will you have anyone around to help out at all? Lean on them if you can.

I've always needed a rest or nap every afternoon, and still do. So my boys know that roughly 1pm - 3pm is quiet time. I thoroughly recommend doing this, as even if you just get to lie down on the sofa with the 3yr old and snuggle under a blanket for an hour whilst he watches a film and the baby naps, it's better than nothing. Mine know if it's the afternoon and I'm lying on the sofa with a blanket over me and my eyes are closed then they are to leave me in peace, or I'll be a snappy horrible Mummy later on in the day.

You said you don't have any Mum friends? Are there and baby and toddler groups you could go to? You can't beat real life mates for support.

Good luck with it all - you'll be fine!

Yes, yes, yes to the sling - it was a nice to have with my first that I hardly ever used. Now I use it for hours a day, every day and haven't used the pram for weeks. It's brilliant out and about but just as brilliant to get the baby to sleep in at home so you then have hands free to do things with the toddler.

Getting the toddler to be quiet while you settle the baby to sleep is a pain but my three year old very quickly understood when I explained that if we were quiet and I could get the baby to sleep in the cot, then we'd be able to do X activity just me and the toddler. That was great as it stopped me constantly telling her off for being noisy and instead gave her a reason to want to help get the baby to sleep.

Also, babies are EASY second time around - seriously! The first two weeks they will literally sleep anywhere and the next four weeks after that they still sleep for hours. That gets you six weeks in, by which time you and the toddler will have started to adjust to your new rhythm. Admittedly I have a chilled out Dc2, but nonetheless it really has been so much less stressful that I'd anticipated. Three years is a lovely age gap.

Lastly - just head to bed early for a few months. I'm in bed now and will be asleep before 9. It's such a short period of your life so just make peace with losing your evenings for a bit and prioritise sleep.

The baby stuff will be/ will feel much easier - so you will be fine!

What I wish I had known: the older child will seem grotesquely large in comparison. To me it felt like I had a new baby and a new child, which I did not know. And that can affect how you feel and act (plus you're busy with a baby a lot too). If this happens, remember that it will go away. :)

I would advise to remember to give the older child lots of hugs and kisses as well, plan for one to one or play time without the baby every now and again. I told my DD1that she just has to love the baby. I hated all the comments I ever got about "helping mummy with the baby" the baby is my job.

Also, it's not just baby love you get! The bond between siblings is extra bit of love too! We live abroad and when my mum asked my DD1 what she should bring with her when visiting she said a preeent for DD2!
They are super cute together now, though at the baby stage the older ones can get bored:)

Very interesting thread.
36 weeks with dc2. Ds will be almost 3y5m when baby arrives.
Excited and so nervous too.

You'll survive, its really hard work but it gets easier very quickly. My two are 16 months apart so the challenges were different but my main piece of advice would be to make sure your older one goes to sleep ok by themselves. As in bath, story, good night and leave the room. You will have to settle the baby for a while and it's nearly impossible to do that whilst also waiting for the toddler to fall asleep with you there. Other than that, yes to what others have said, cut yourself some slack and repeat 'it gets easier' over and over again!

I am in the thick of this bright now. My toddler has been waaaaaay more challenging than usual. Think refusing to put clothes on, have nappy changed, go to bed, walk. Whining constantly.hitting occasionally.
I would have agreed a plan with my partner on how to handle this type of behaviour in advance. My partner has found this particularly difficult, and it has taken us a while to develop consistent and effective coping strategies, which has been quite stressful.