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Original poster

Parent being cruel about my child

38 replies

Lala9 · 14/12/2017 11:58

Hi

I am writing as I have recently found out from my cleaner, which I recommended and referred to the other mums from the NCT group, that one of the mums (who I have always suspected doesn't like me much) said she wouldn't know what to do if she had a child like mine, as she is "too much" to handle and too active. Basically, she said that my child is a hands full.

Whilst my child is very active indeed; eg: she learnt to crawl at 4 months and she is 8 months and almost walking! I found this remark unecessary, incredibly rude and, frankly, just hurtful.

In the past few weeks there has been a situation in which I felt very uncomfortable during one of the play dates. Two of the three mums from the NCT seemed to be laughing at me, I caught them out, confronted them there and then and decided I would stop meeting with them. Soon after they realised I wouldn't be meeting them anymore they reached out (separately) and denied anything being wrong, they are now being INCREDIBLY polite with me, to the point of being fake. I am very intuitive and I know they are not being honest but, yet, decided I would try to keep things polite and continue to do my best to keep on seeing them, mainly, because our children are growing up together, at times I have found it useful to have other parents to talk to as I don't know many people in the country, and I don't like to have issues with people.

Given what has recently happened I am struggling to find a way to bring this up, as I don't want to be perceived as too sensitive or too problematic, although I don't want it to go unaddressed and would like to bring to the surface that this person who portrays herself as being such a nice mum is, in fact, a cruel human being who talks bad about other people's children.

We have a WhatsApp group and are meeting again in the new year. I dont want to bring this up in WhatsApp as I don't want people to give the chance to hide behind a screen.

Any ideas?

OP posts:
CheapSausagesAndSpam · 14/12/2017 12:16

Honestly? It seems you took the comments far too personally and your cleaner really should NOT be repeating gossip back to you or anyone.

I wouldn't trust a cleaner who gossiped like that.

Secondly, the seeming to laugh at you...if they were laughing at you then that's not nice and not the kind of women anyone needs to be around.

I'd look for another baby group to join. Something else entirely. NCT groups are often problematic.

Silverthorn · 14/12/2017 12:20

I think you may be beingnover sensitive here. Surely it was just a throwaway comment to the cleaner about how active your child is? Sounds like you don't really click with this group.

Kingsclerelass · 14/12/2017 12:31

Some people are a bit more outspoken than others. This woman obviously didn't expect her words to get back to you. Having a child who is attentive and lively & advanced doesn't sound a bad thing to me, if a bit tiring. Maybe she is envious. You don't really know the context of the remarks. Maybe she is stressed and venting, I bet I said all sorts of unreasonable things when I'd had no sleep.

I'm not sure bringing it up will help much. NCT groups tend to go different ways after a few months anyway. I'm only in contact with one of mine now (ds is 9). In the meantime, could you can keep it amicable and see how it goes.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6-9 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting
Justoneme · 14/12/2017 12:39

Sounds like they are jealous of your child being active.... don't worry about it... it's not about you per say ... it's there insecurities as a mum.

becotide · 14/12/2017 12:40

Sack your cleaner. If she's talking to you about others, she's talking to to others about you

Pennywhistle · 14/12/2017 12:44

Firstly your cleaner shouldn’t be gossiping- if she’s carrying tales about them she’s also carrying tales about you.

Secondly, the comment about your DD really isn’t particularly rude or mean. I had it said to my face, several times about my DS who was exactly the same type of child - always on the go, early crawler, early walker and into everything. I usually laughed in response.

Look at it as a backhanded compliment- the person is really saying “I couldn’t cope like Lala does”.

You so sound like you might be a bit over sensitive. I can guarantee that if the group didn’t like you they wouldn’t be reaching out when you pulled back, they’d just let the connection drop.

Let it go, who knows what the cleaner has said to them about you.

yawningyoni · 14/12/2017 12:50

As others have said, your cleaner had no need to say anything, she's a gossip and WILL be gossiping about you too.

Also it could have been said as in "I don't know how she does it" because she ADMIRES you and thinks you are marvellous.

I would only be upset if I thought my child being active reflected badly on me as a parent, which it doesn't, you have an active child and you are coping! Well done!

(I have two very active kids)

Anyway, you can't really say "the cleaner said that you said..." it sounds very juvenile

Battleax · 14/12/2017 12:53

What beco said.

Original poster
Lala9 · 14/12/2017 13:18

Thank you for all the responses, I really appreciate them.

I do ponder whether I am being over-sensitive as, when it comes to my child, I get extremely protective. And the likelihood is that I am. However, I trust my instinct that this person never really liked me (there are a lot of little things that have happened, but it would be too long to start writing about them) and feel that the comment came with some sort of resentment to it.

About the cleaner, she is leaving. In fact, we talked about that today as she has decided to take time off after finding out she is pregnant. I wonder whether it was her way of letting me know what is happening behind my back (beside the very truthful remark of her bringing gossip being unacceptable!)

I am still very upset and hurt (overly sensitive, or not) as I made incredible efforts with these people. I recently came from NY and bought all the babies presents, I recommended them my cleaner, sent cards on Christmas, invite them over several times, took them for lunch, etc. but hey! time to move on, it seems.

OP posts:
Finola1step · 14/12/2017 13:38

I too had a very active baby who was a shockingly early crawler. I remember those NCT group meet ups well. I was the mum run ragged with a crawler while all the other mums had babies who played on their play mats or slept in their prams. Not mine, oh no.

And I remember the looks. The "my baby is so calm and settled" or the "Poor cow, look at her on the go non stop. Never gets a minute to sit down. Thank goodness mine isn't like that". I could see it and it hurt.

So I suspect what you are picking up is a bit of what I experienced. I found that NCT mum friends were useful acquaintances but not real friends.

My ds is now coming up to his 10th birthday. Still always on the go. A keen footballer, strong swimmer, captain of the school cricket team. A physically confident child (the total opposite to me).

The NCT group has long faded into the background. And my skin has got much, much thicker.

Your cleaner was out of line reporting back to you like that. In all honestly, very few people would choose to have such an early crawler/walker. It may be a good idea to start looking at other baby groups to go along to.

I looked at it this way - the people you meet at NCT etc are thrown together because you all had sex and conceived around the same time. That really is the only thing you have in common.

FrLukeDuke · 14/12/2017 14:22

I stopped seeing my nhs postnatal group when dd1 was 18 months because i realised some of them weren't very nice. It was the last straw when i was holding back tears in a meet up because they were being bitchy. It was a shock to me as I'd not had problems getting on with people in jobs or at school or uni. I also encountered some not very nice parents at my dcs' school, but by then I'd got more selective about who i hung out with. The best friends i made were people i met on an individual basis rather than part of a parent group. Some of them i still see to this day.

Original poster
Lala9 · 14/12/2017 14:25

Thank you! This defines exactly how I feel and the looks that I get.

Great to know your child is doing so well!

You are absolutely right, it doesn't seem as if the NCT groups work long term for a lot of people.

OP posts:
Nuffaluff · 14/12/2017 14:33

Some people get on very well with people in their NCT group and others don't. I would still be friends with one of them but I haven't seen her for ages. Our kids are seven now. The others I have nothing in common with apart from having a baby at the same time .
It really doesn't matter. Your child will grow up, make friends of their own. Mine has.
Don't worry about these people or what they think of you or your baby. It doesn't matter what they think. And it doesn't matter if you don't see them anymore.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/12/2017 14:42

You say you havny been in this country long so I wonder if there is some cultural clash? You said they SEEMED to be laighong at you - what was that about? Them all making an effort to reach out siggeats they do like you but perhaps you understand each other differently?
Our NCT group has scattered a little in 2.5 years but naturally rather than bitchy pushing out

HolyShet · 14/12/2017 14:59

I think the other mum said
"Gosh yes she's very advanced physically and it must be a bit of handful"

(because a walking 8 month old is - mine walked nearer a year but how I envied those mums with babes who sat still, on their behinds till 18 months)

That's not cruel or unkind. If anything it's empathy.

Other incident - could be something or nothing, others have tried to draw you back in. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

Pennywhistle · 14/12/2017 15:12

Holy I think you are probably quite right.

There’s also the chance that the cleaner asked a leading question and only carried back the response.

tinymeteor · 14/12/2017 15:22

I think you're taking things too much to heart. When your feelings were hurt before it was clearly unintentional as they apologised and tried to make it right. I really doubt this other mum was being cruel about your child, it sounds like a throwaway comment. Haven't you ever compared your baby to others and bought "well at least I have it easier than so-and-so" in some respect? It doesn't mean you dislike them!

As for sacking the cleaner, get a grip people. Being slightly gossipy isn't a hanging offence, especially if it's all meant in a friendly way. You don't sack someone right before Xmas over something this trivial.

Original poster
Lala9 · 14/12/2017 15:26

SleepingStandingUp - I have been living in England for 12 years and there are other cultural backgrounds to the group. So it could very well be a cultural difference.

A few times I have said things and I noticed them looking at each other and under laughing, as if I said something stupid. I never reacted, and carried on thinking it was perhaps me being overly sensitive, however last time it was so obvious that I owed it to myself to stand up for me. At that point they all seemed pretty embarrassed and have since been ultra nice with me. No more under laughing or looks shared every time I say something.

As I mentioned before, ever since I continued making efforts with them. Including, bringing their children presents from my holidays. But finding out about this comment made me feel pretty awful again.

OP posts:
GingerbreadMa · 14/12/2017 15:30

If your cleaner is gossiping TO you then I guarentee she is gossiping ABOUT you & your home/home life.

Second, the mums comment sounds defensive not offensive. If youre hearing a lot about what a child can do that yours cant do, then its quite a reasonable statement to say that actually, youre quite happy with what youve got and you wouldnt want your child to be different.

I think you sound quite self absorbed and perhaps a bit blind to the fact that other people in the group might have things going on that theyre worried/sensitive about that isnt all about you/your child!

RedSkyAtNight · 14/12/2017 15:34

how I envied those mums with babes who sat still, on their behinds till 18 months

And ... as a mum of a babe who didn't walk until 18 months but got incredibly incredibly frustrated by not being able to do so ... I envied the mums who had early walkers!

GingerbreadMa · 14/12/2017 15:36

Can you not use your imagination a little?

Busy body cleaner to other mum: " oh is baby not doing x yet, you know OPs baby does x and y and z already, you need to get her/him doing x, lazy baby! C'mon do x"

Other mum "Im quite happy for him/her to not do X yet it sounds exhausting, im glad she/he isnt much of a handful yet"

Cleaner to you: " ooo other mum says your baby is a handful"

As for the other stuff, if you think every look/nervous laugh/quiet word is about you that says more about you than about them

Original poster
Lala9 · 14/12/2017 15:42

Perhaps I am taking it at heart. I appreciate all the input and advice to bring other view points to mind.

Perhaps the issue I have is that I if it would have been the other way around, if I had to say something like that about her daughter it would be something like " I don't know what I would do if I had such a boring baby like such and such" . That sounds awful to me. Surely not malicious, but what is the need to talk about other people's children in that light?

I guess we are different people and I am more sensitive than most.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 14/12/2017 15:44

Ah when you said you didn't know many people I assumed you'd been hereess time. Perhaps now is an opportunity to stretch your social wings x

GingerbreadMa · 14/12/2017 15:44

Fwiw I agree with her anyway, who would chose to have an early walker? Thats the end of sitting on coffee shops (or anywhere else) with babies for a while! Obviously late walkers also bring worry/stress, but as a mum of very early walkers I would have vigorously agreed witj her and advised others to enjoy the non mobile stage while it lasts.

Youre being a bit silly taking that sort of thing as an insult.

GingerbreadMa · 14/12/2017 15:54

"I don't know what I would do if I had such a boring baby like such and such"

I think you are the one adding in the personal bit there.
See THIS would be perfectly reasonable:
"Oh my goodness he's fast isnt he? you've got your hands full there"
"Well..haha..at least I wont get bored eh?"
Thats not calling non walkers boring. Its just deflecting the comment.