Mums of 2+, how do you deal with sharing? It's driving me mad :(

[loweylo]

I've got a 3 1/2 year old DD and a 7 month DS and although things weren't easy, they've taken a massive nosedive over the past few weeks. I think it coincided with my youngest crawling - now nothing is sacred.

My DD used to play quite well with her toys but now she just follows my DS around snatching toys off him and waiting until he picks something up to say that she wants to play with it. It's like she can't play with anything because she spends her whole time monitoring what's happening.

Her jealousy has just gone through the roof. I've tried to be really even handed with them both and not concentrate too much on my DS (if anything, it's the other way around), but it doesn't seem to have helped. I've also tried spending time on my own with my daughter, but she seems to be worse afterwards because she doesn't accept the time ending. It's like nothing is ever quite enough.

I'm starting to feel really down. Every day is just miserable and I now feel that I'm struggling to cope with them both. I feel like I've lost my daughter. We had a really close lovely relationship, but she's a different child now she has a sibling. All she does is whine and cry.

She does go into preschool Mon - Thurs afternoons. She goes in without any bother at all and seems to enjoy it.

Does anyone have any tips? I feel at a total loss.

Could you try and encourage her to "help" you with DS? My two have 2 years three months between them, and I used to say "it would be so helpful if you can shake the rattle for DS" or "would you like to help feed him today". So that she starts to think of him as hers, not as an interloper.

Does DS nap? It might be a good opportunity for you to do "special" stuff together which is reserved for her - if it's an ongoing project, she'll know that you'll pick it up again the next day so there's not such a sense of an ending, if you see what I mean.

It is such a tough time. You just have to keep an eye on them both all of the time, and keep on impressing those rules on to them both. The only thing they made it better for me was when the little one finally learnt the 'rules' around sharing and snatching.

It doesn't help at all, but it really was my least favourite time with both of them - it's exhausting.

Just to reassure you - it does get better. My two are 8 and 6 now and they're lovely together most of the time. DD helps DS with his homework and reads to him, and they are each a bit lonely and lost if the other is off at a party or something

What I did with mine (although my eldest was a bit younger) was be very clear that some toys belonged to her, some belonged to baby brother and some were for 'sharing'. She didn't have to share 'her' toys and she also had to 'ask' to use his. Normal sharing rules applied for the other toys - no snatching etc. I do remember it helping when we reached the stage you're at - baby suddenly crawling and able to access stuff.

Thank you everyone. Some great tips and good to know it might improve!

The just crawling stage was definitely a flash point for us but calmed down after about a month. A couple of other suggestions- playpen for physical separation (other for the older one to play in) and if your DD wants something DS is playing with then say she has to find him something else that he likes

Use the language if turn taking rather than sharing. Sharing always seems to mean giving away what you want! I've got a 2.5yr and an 11mo so trying to say DD that she can't have whatever DS is playing with because it's his turn and she doesn't have to give things to him during her turn just because he's grabbing for them.

Read Peaceful Parent Happy Siblings. There are so many great tips for all this kind of thing. Though by the time you've read it they will probably be through this stage and thick as thieves

I do a lot of speaking for DS (also my younger) eg "DS is telling you he was still playing with that. I'm sure when he's done you can have it, isn't that right DS? Or maybe he would be open to a swap - can you find something else for him to play with?"

Also re your DD being sad when one on one time comes to an end, that's totally normal and it can really help to vocalise it - "it's so hard when we stop having special time. I have so enjoyed playing with you too. Shall we do it again tomorrow? Now could you help me find something for you and DS to do together?"

Definitely read the book though, when I apply the ideas they really work so well and now at nearly 2 and 4 the DCs play so kindly together.

I have the older one somewhere to play on his own so he didn’t get interrupted by the baby-his room or on the dining room table. If he was snatching the baby’s toys then I either made him give it back if she was crying or he quickly learnt that if he distracted her with a different toy he could grab he original one.

Same as Katy I moved DD1 and told her she had to sit where DD2 couldn't reach. I would not have stood for her snatching off DD2, and would have explained DD2 was a baby. Maybe make a big thing about all the stuff she gets to do because she's a big sister? And really praise her for helping with DS?

Oh and make a big thing about how much DS loves his sister and how much he loves playing with her? That might help aswell.

But I have 3 and ime the littlest doesn't really give a toss and carries on stealing/being stolen from and grinning away merrily as all they care about is the interaction with the older sibling.

I would let the older child play with toys on the kitchen table as the younger one can't reach them.

Also, if you have a travel cot - put either the younger one in there at times so give the older one some time to plat with her toys in peace. If the baby wants more space to crawl you could let the older one sit in the travel cot with her toys.