Change of lifestyle, do I leave work, very confused over here!

[percypig2017]

Good morning to you.

Im never sure what area to post on here so if its the wrong section do please let me know and I will move myself over there instead.

Myself and my partner would like to have a child next year. I have a question for you working ladies, I work for myself around 40 - 50 hours plus per week from home and earn good money, I have built this up for over 15 years and love my job immensely. Now I know when it comes to being pregnant and also having a little one that my working life will indeed change. This is ok but my partner seems to think its going to be ok to work around the child (I don't think so, I will be so ill and stressed as my job is very demanding) as my clients like to see me after work around 4pm - 7pm mostly and also around 12pm - 3pm too during the week my most busiest days. I am quite happy to give up work for a year or two but don't think my partner with his salary would cope and our huge mortgage too, its not something he has said he would or could do which is understandable but for me personally I don't think I could do this for the first year more so.

So we are thinking something needs to give and we are or will need to sell up in the next year otherwise we will struggle as our mortgage is quite high too. Then he said we would cope because adoption would be an option so we could put in nursery. Now as we are older, Im in my early forties and my partner late forties his sperm count has come back really low so this was our other option but we are open to both as long as little one is healthy and happy.

Did anyone give up work completely, did you try and juggle or what do you think works best for your little one and family?

I think my biggest worry is not bringing in enough money for the two of us to cope around my partner's salary, we don't mind giving up on the luxuries etc but its more the house mortgage and the cars may need to go too.....

Hope this makes sense ok

xx

I've not found that being pregnant makes much difference in my work life. I worked up until a week before I went into labour with my first and will work to 37 weeks this time as well (currently 31 weeks pregnant with 2nd). Especially if you work from home (I do as well) and don't do a very physically difficult job, you should be able to carry on as usual.

But having children is a massive lifestyle change and you will need to figure out how to balance your schedules with your partner so that one of you is around to do the parenting when the other is working and childcare isn't available. I don't think your situation sounds unworkable at all, though one or both of you will need to probably move some hours around, work slightly more flexible hours, etc.

I went back to work part-time when my 1st was 11 months (and then full-time when she was about 2.5). That made the most sense financially for us as my added income working full-time didn't really compensate for the added expense of full-time childcare at the time. My dd is 5 now and I've been back to work full-time for 3 years.

It's perfectly doable to work 12-7pm with a toddler or school age child, assuming your partner is available for pick up or you have a family member who can help. My dh often does the morning school run and I start work early and then I collect our dd at 3pm and he works later. Until recently (a few months ago), I had about 3 days a week when I left the house at 5:45am and didn't get home until 7pm. My dh did both drop off and pick up from nursery these days (nursery was 9-5) and then I did it the other days when I didn't need to work such long hours and he worked longer. We are both essentially self-employed, so we also get admin and other work done in the evenings after bedtime or occasional weekend mornings when the other is home.

It's totally manageable and you don't need to leave work and totally change your lifestyle to make it work, so long as you can afford childcare. Nursery will be about £800-1200 a month for full time hours though, so if you can't afford that on your current incomes and given your current expenses, yes, you need to live more within your means. We both have secondhand cars we paid cash for (no car payments). We don't have regular monthly expenses other than utility bills and food shopping (no gym memberships, etc.). And we live in a house that we can afford while still having plenty of money left over at the end of the month. But as long as you have some flexibility in your schedules, you can easily make it work. I assume you're self employed. Why not just change your hours? Work 12-5pm instead some days and have your partner do the pick up the other days so you can work til 7. Or do some weekend morning hours when your partner is home in place of the early evening ones, etc.

You'll figure it out. I don't think you have to overthink it though or assume it's the end of your career. I not only went back to work after I had my first. I also went back to work in a field with a long commute (3 hours several days a week) and long hours and on top of that I finished a PhD. You can find a good balance if you want to.

I say do what makes you happy OP. You don't know how you're going to feel once the baby is born. We're all different. It may be that you take some time off how ever many months you decide would you get maternity pay or would you be on no money from the get go? I know you mentioned adoption may be on the table so this would apply to adoption leave as well.
Some women go back to work quite easily full time and throw themselves into it, others chose the SAHM route and would prefer to spend the precious time with their dc while they're small and some go back part time for their own sanity and a lot don't have the luxury to decide! It's impossible to say now how you'd feel and what works for one may not work for another; we all have different calabilities and nobody should make you feel that what you decide is wrong or not enough. If it works for you and your family go for it.
From a financial point of view you need to plan how you'd get by on your husbands wage alone with the necessary downgrades and cuts. It's amazing what savings can be made when you really look at it. It depends what kind of lifestyle you'd be happy to have and at what cost.
Good luck

Also it does sound like you love your job and it's rare to find a job we like! It would certainly be a shame to give that up. Would there be a way you could finance a little time off and then return to your role on a part time basis a little later with a view to going back full time eventually? Do you have any willing sitters or would you need to pay for child care?

Just get childcare, that's what everyone does if they want to continue work.

If you are going down the adoption route, you are most likely to get a child with some emotional and/or behaviour issues. To even be considered for adoption you will need to demonstrate that you are ready to make the changes to your life to make room for and support the potentially complex needs of an adopted child. You also need to show that you are financially secure.

If adoption is the route you are thinking of, I think you might need to do some research on what exactly this entails. It is a looonnng process and far from easy.

If making as little change as possible to your current lifestyle is what you want, then adoption of an older child is very unlikely to help you achieve this.

Thank you everyone for your replies, In answer to all your questions the adoption route was more because it may be we cant have children due to my partner having a low sperm count and may not be able to conceive we have talked all options and very open about both.

Financially at the moment my job is very secure and so is my partners and we are very comfortable as a couple at the moment, holidays, meals out and we know this can change. My biggest worry is my partner works in London, leaves the house at 7am gets home for 7:30pm this is pretty much every day every night. My parents are nearby indeed but are getting older and no I wouldnt have any help with baby sitters you see due to everyone so busy and having their own kiddies or miles away if that makes sense. So I'm lucky enough to have a job I love but worry about my partners job as he wont ever be able to nip home during the day, gosh I envy where the pair of you work for yourselves.

I can juggle yes but i would be juggling and having to do everything because of his job on my own during the day. We are going to think of a plan hence this conversation to you guys too. We both have savings luckily but as for the adoption we have also looked into this hugely and know its never easy but also know the rewards can be amazing too, we have 3 friends who have adopted and all of them have lovely children aged between 2 and 7 when they first adopted. Not one has caused any issues and had lovely foster parents too. So this helped hugely.

Its just my partners job, I wish he would work closer or from home but its not a possibility, I do worry as we have a puppy and she's amazing but I do look after her out of the two of us in the day as I work from home naturally so I know it will be the same during the day for me with a little one.

Is childcare expensive and can we look at younger years to start?

sorry its all new to me...literally and just thinking of a new plan to prepare ourselves, we need to see if he can afford the mortgage without my salary too and if he can thats a start and I shall work around things with part time hours, fingers crossed!!

so much to think about more so when have had a job you love for years and worked your way up to....im always about security and feeling safe with money too...so I know this will be a huge change!

thank you everyone a great help to me!

Agree with others. The most obvious route is to pay for childcare. You might need to adjust the hours for a while, as a lot of childcare closes at 6 or 6.30, but you never know - CMs are self employed so can decide for themselves when they want to work. I know a little boy that was at the CM my dd went to had a parent who was involved in filming, and he would often not be picked up until 8 - 9pm.
It would be a shame to lose all you have built up, and a job you enjoy, for the sake of 4 years (before they started school, if you have your own, or adopt a baby) or less if you adopt an older child.
Yes, childcare can be considered expensive *but& is is for a very short part of your working life. If you can mange for those years, then longer term, you will really benefit from having kept your business going.
However, adoption can take a long time. If you haven't even decided yet if that is the route for you, then it is likely to be quite a long journey before you actually adopt a child.

Thank you everyone, you have all been a wonderful help, I will start to look into this for next year for sure....

Good luck, what ever you decide it will be he right decision for you and your family and that is all that matters no matter what your lifestyle is/will be.

the*

Thank you PasstheStarmix very kind!

Why have a baby and then not look after it, seems the obvious question. Think about your priorities. Big house and cars or the undivided love of a little one. It sounds like you are already thinking this way. For fairness both you and your partner should scale back on the work side of life. I totally don't believe in under 3s being in childcare. It's a huge commitment but think who the baby would rather have taking care of him or her? That should be what we ask ourselves, not whether or not we as parents are reaching our work potential.

What a nasty, unhelpful post roboticmom

I'd have thought the vast majority of people still have bills to pay, even though they would like to have children. Most of us pay our bills by working. No-one has suggested the OP wouldn't 'look after' her baby - the point is, during the hours you are both at work then the norm is to employ someone to take care of your child during those hours.

You might not "believe" in under 3s being in childcare, but, I can reassure you it is a fact that lots of under3s are cared for by early years practitioners. A very good job most of them do too. Babies, toddlers and children have always been cared for by folk who aren't their parents for part of each day, and the vast majority grow up into fine adults without any issues or trauma from being cared for by other loving adults when they were babies / toddler / children.

OK wish I hadn't posted now. I just thought the day care perspective was put out there but not the staying at home perspective. I do feel strongly about it and maybe got on my high horse a bit. Those are my honest thoughts though and I don't take them back.

I am a shy introverted person who normally never speaks her mind (maybe cause no one would like me, then lol.) I just read an article about end of life thoughts of the dying and the number one regret was working too much and not spending enough time with loved ones. So maybe I was swayed into posting because of that.

You did say something important, roboticmom, which is that OP's DP needs to scale back on his commitments too possibly.

You see it all too often, I'm afraid, which is that the mother of the baby becomes "flexible" and alters working patterns, finds childcare, compromises, where the father does not. This is absolutely not because all blokes who work in jobs in London/with a long commute/who are higher earners can't get any flexibility at all - most often it is because they don't ask for it in the first place. And as a society we are apt to accept the "Oh he works long hours to support us and can't change that" way of thinking.

Flexible working requests are open to both sexes. OP, encourage your DP to think about how he could modify his working life too to make things possible for you both to work and parent e.g. earlier finishes/working from home one or more days/4-day week/compresses hours so 5 days in 4.

Crunch the numbers with both of you changing work patterns and paying for some childcare.