Not adjusting to motherhood

[She77y]

had my first baby this year. She is 7 months. I have delayed having children (I'm 35 but married 7 years) because I was terrified of being a mum. The thought of never having any time to myself again, feeling down when I've another wee person to care for. Unfortunately it's all came true. I love my daughter so much but most days I just feel sad and anxious. The days seem so long. I'm trying to do the best I can but my life now has changed forever and I'm struggling. Not having any time to myself. I sit terrified while she sleeps just waiting for her to wake, praying I can cope when she does hoping I'll know what she wants and how to do it. My husband works days and I watch the clock waiting for him to come home. If he's delayed or has other things on I go into sheer panic mode. He's been great and does more than his fair share but still I feel I'm failing and almost like I'm babysitting until he can take her and do it right. The thought that I will not ever adjust and continue to feel like this is scares me so much. All I want is to be a good mummy and to relax and enjoy my beautiful daughter. I hope someday soon I can.

This shit IS hard, darling.
The way you describe how you feel is classic anxiety.
I think if you weren't anxious before the baby then it is a form of PND. That doesn't mean you have to go get medicated (or whatever), but please be kind to yourself.
You're already doing everything you say you can't.
The fact that your mind is beating you up for not loving it is a different thing all togther.
Break the day up into chunks with small rewards (tea/twix/episode of a series you're into), and make your plans to get back to work.

You will be OK.
And tomorrow, when you're holding your baby giving her her bottle, please remind yourself that a bunch of randoms on the internet told you you're going to be OK xxxx

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️😂

Best advice I ever had was to just give in to motherhood. Don’t try and resist it will drive you potty.

Your life has changed and you feel a little bit of grief for the loss of freedom and now you have the burden of responsibility for a tiny precious child.

Time is slow and time is fast. Before you know it that child will be grown and gone and you will be in awe but bereft.

Give in to it, it’s your now.

It is a tough time and an experience most people gloss over as it is hard to admit they are not 'perfect mothers' who adore time with their babies. I found that going out to meet people at baby events very useful, also having part time work if possible. If not work, you need to make something or play music or go to Pilates or something just to recharge your 'me' batteries.

Maybe a parenting course would help you feel more confident? From what you've written it sounds like you are doing all the right things, but if you're anxious then having your instincts validated and learning some useful approaches and techniques could make all the difference - you would meet other parents as well and possibly learn how to care for your baby and at the same time preserve your sense of identity (which is definitely not a difficulty peculiar to you!).

Your council website will probably have a directory of local schemes. They all have a different focus so hopefully you'll find something suitable.

I was the same and often feel like I am the only one - I still ask every new mother is she's enjoying mat leave in the desperate hope someone will tell me they aren't! Honestly I was miserable and so disappointed because I had been looking forward to it for so long.
My DD is now 18 months and I am back at work and it is SO much better. I still often feel guilty about not enjoying every minute with her though. It's really tough but the best advice is get out of the house as much as possible.
It gets easier around the 1 year mark. I found that DD started having more predictable naps then and was more independent. Now on my days off she sleeps for 2-2.5 hours after lunch and it's bliss.
Don't panic, it will all work out ok. Some people just aren't made to stay at home with a baby and that's fine. My mum thinks it's because we tend to have babies later so have established our own lives and careers and know what we are missing

Also I was rubbish at baby groups and hardly spoke to anyone despite being very sociable and having lots of friends. I just couldn't bear the chat about sleeping and milestones

i agree on both counts chinesechicken, there is so much pressure to say you're enjoying your baby though, you're so lucky to have them etc, it's hard to say you feel lonely and worried most of the time. That's why mumsnet is great, you can have more honest conversations than IRL for the most part.

I know, the conversations aren't up to much but it's worth persisting because getting out depends on knowing a few people to some extent. I would def try mumsnet local, I found 3 lovely mums through that who were much more on my wavelength.

Maternity leave made me a bit weird in the head. Your perspective narrows so much that you can barely think about anything but baby stuff. It's not healthy.

I returned to work full time at five months (that's the longest you can get in the country where we live). It was tough at first but honestly, it was absolutely the best thing for me.

The first few months are hard work and boring (in my experience). Way more fun when they get older get more interesting and you have more independence.

I didn't even love my baby for the first 6 months. I hoped it would come (and it did and it is wonderful) but I just got through it.

Good luck- it'll get better.

I felt a lot like you. Hang on in there. 10 months onwards is a lot better and 15/16 months onwards is SO much better (and actually fun!!)

Don't feel guilty about going back to work if you want to. If you are not a baby person (I'm not) then it makes sense for you to outsource some of her care to people who love babies. You will still be her mummy.

Remember there is no right and wrong with small babies other than ensuring they get cuddles and roughly the right amounts of food and sleep. If others seem to be having it easier than you it's either 1) they happened to have an easier baby or 2) they are just happier winging things and not so worried about getting it all "right". Or both!

I could have written your post! It's really hard and I feel guilty for not enjoying every moment, especially as I know some people are desperate for a baby and can't have them.

Like others have said, I get out at least once a day, every day. I also use nap time for me- reading, sewing, TV. Chores get done in snippets whilst DS is in a jumparoo or in the playgym, but I need 15-20 minutes twice a day for me.

My MIL told me it was ok to not enjoy the baby stage, and hearing that helped a lot.

she77y - How ru today? x

I really appreciate all your advice and support. Your honesty has been invaluable and I realise it's not just me that finds it tough. Actually feel the pressure has been lifted! I never wanted to admit that the baby thing was boring or that I wasn't enjoying it cause felt so guilty but I guess not everyone is a Julie Andrews! I'm gonna try have a nice Christmas with my baby then talk about starting work again in the new year. I think that'll help all round ❤️ Love to you all.

brilliant idea she, no, not julie andrews here, more julie walters. She's still a national treasure :)

happy Christmas

I felt exactly the same with my first. The things I found helped were; going a walk every day (rain, hail, snow or shine!), joining a baby group (I ended up going to five a week) and lastly - Citalopram. I was in a similar situation where my husband was (still is) amazing and I felt so down and anxious like I wasn’t good enough all the time. Like he was doing a better job. I’d clock watch from bloody tipping point to chase to dinner date to emmerdale willing each programme to end as it meant he was nearly home! I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety and given citalopram and it helped! Please know it can be so normal to feel this way. And know that soon you’ll know that to your daughter you are the whole world and you are the best mummy she could ever have. The fact that you’re worrying only means you love her so much and want the very best for her which makes you a brilliant Mum. Too much worry just spoils the good bits. Please keep us updated how you get on. Hope you feel better soon :) x

Hi, not sure if you still use this but I wanted to know how you feel now? Your initial post is how I feel down to a T. I feel like Covid lockdowns stripped me off from enjoying going out and then I got pregnant so additionally couldn’t enjoy my newly wedded life.

@MortalEnemy

It sounds utterly familiar, OP. For some people maternity leave is blissful, but I remember mine with horror for all the reasons you give — isolation, anxiety, boredom, worry about whether having had a baby was a mistake I could never rectify. To me that’s a quite rational response to exhaustion, loneliness but no solitude/independence, a major change, and endless time alone with someone non-verbal you haven’t necessarily yet bonded with.

Does the idea of returning to work appeal? Forget maternal guilt and childcare costs for a second. What do you actually want?

This this this. Exhaustion and loneliness and endless alone time without ever actually being alone. I only have a couple of months left of my leave and whilst I love my DS with all my heart I know I will be a better mum in the time I do have with him once I get back to work and have my identity back. Quality over quantity. My MIL doesn't get it but I think our generation sees things differently and as we are having children later we do just get used to our independence. You are not alone and reading this thread has reminded me of that too. Sending hugs.