DS goes hysterical with DH

[Ven83]

DS is 11 weeks old and exclusively breastfed. We got him to take the bottle a couple of times but he's not always up for it.
DH works full time and is only home in the evenings and weekends. He tries to be hands on, however in the last couple of weeks DS has become completely hysterical whenever DH tries to settle him. He's happy to play with him but as soon as he becomes hungry or tired he only wants me. He doesn't stop screaming until I take him, and he refuses the bottle from him even though he's hungry. DH is feeling pretty down about it.

What can we do to help them bond more? Should I persist in leaving them alone and hope DS grows used to him? Or should we not force it and wait for him to grow out of it?

Well it's because he's BF. He's only 11 weeks and knows that BF is his saviour and world. He also knows your DH only has the bottle....and he prefers to BF.

There's no point in persisting with it unless you plan to stop BF?

Your Dh's relationship will build naturally as your DS grows more aware. He will learn to equate your DH with a different kind of comfort but at 11 weeks feeding is it.

Thanks @CheapSausagesAndSpam
I'm not planning to stop breastfeeding but it would be great if DS could take the bottle from the DH as that would give me a bit more freedom to go out on my own occasionally, or let me rest more.
I don't always feed to sleep, he also goes down well with rocking and singing. But I know the boob is more comforting than anything else. Up until a few weeks ago DH was quite successful in settling him by walking him around the house and singing, but now it doesn't work anymore.
But it's good to know that this is a phase and as DS grows he'll develop his own close relationship with the DH.

You could try something completely different, like swimming? That really helped my DH bond, we started it young and I really noticed that DH had much more of a knack with handling in a swimming pool than I did, which in turn meant that the DC were more naturally comfortable in the water with him (not that I was clueless, just that he was more practiced). That gave DH the confidence that the feeding wasn't the be all and end all, that he would be better at some things than me and vice versa and that he would have his own style/way in parenting iykwim?

Well most of the time babies want milk, and for bf babies milk =mummy. At that age, our babies would cluster feed all evening, then have about an hour of awake time before setting for a few hours sleep. Dp used to take the baby once they had done feeding, and I would go to bed to get a few hours sleep from around 8 till midnight. Would something similar work for you?

I totally agree with mysaladdays. Swimming really helped my baby and her dad bond while I got a break from non stop breastfeeding.

He's hysterical because he's hungry. He's just a bottle refusenik. Leave them to bond when he isn't hungry.

Take him to feed him, but leave them to it the rest of the time. My dh had our dd from birth all evening, except for feeds. He would come home, shower after work, and take her straight away. He'd wear her in a wrap and do whatever, but it meant she was always close to him. He did her bath himself (he still does to this day and she's 5, I'm lost when I have to do it!) and he'd bring her back to be for feeds and then take her again when she was done and she'd sleep in the wrap until we went to bed. It was lovely for them and they have a really tight bond because of it. I used to just take myself to bed and get caught up on sleep and leave them to it.

Two EBF babies here and neither wanted anything to do with DH for the first year of their lives, and possibly even slightly beyond (both BF until 17mo). No way in hell could he 'settle' them because he simply didn't have the necessary equipment. It really upset DH with DS1 - he knew to expect it with DS2.

Fast forward four years and DS1 is having a Reception afternoon tea at school. One of his little friends says to him, 'Who do you like best? Your mummy or your daddy? I love mummy the best!' DS1 looked both horrified and affronted and said without pause, 'I love them both the same!' DH wasn't there so DS1 wasn't just being diplomatic. Suffice it to say, I told DH this as soon as he got home and asked him if he ever thought the mummy-clinging limpet would ever say that. He admitted he didn't, and he got slightly weepy, by gum.

The way he 'bonded' was going swimming with them as PPs have suggested, doing bath time, he wore DS2 a lot in a sling, post-feed cuddles (never give a dad a hungry EBF baby, oh no, no, no...), passing a sleeping Velcro baby to dad so s/he doesn't wake up if you have the temerity to put them down in a cot. Feeding does NOT equal bonding. FWIW, the child above who said she loved mummy best was FF and fed by both parents equally, yet mummy is her preference at 4/5 years old. It's experiences and not feeding methods that bond children to parents.

Re: bottle refusing. I just got used to going out for max 2hrs with DS1 as he was a TOTAL bottle refuser. Even when he started nursery full time at 8mo, milk would not pass his gullet unless it was direct from the mummy-cow. DS2 got a daily bottle of EBM from about 3 weeks old, but even then I couldn't go out for long on account of exploding boobs. You get used to it, and in the scheme of things, it doesn't last long.

Thank you for your great suggestions. It makes sense that they need to develop a routine of their own to bond over, something just for the two of them. DS would take the bottle from me but not DH so I don't think it's the bottle that's the problem. I guess feeding is just Mummy's job, I can live with that.

This is normal. The single most helpful thing your DH can do is not to take it personally. You may find your son openly prefers you for some time, or in phases. Both my daughters viewed their father as second-best until they were about five. But to his credit my ExH never took it personally or gave me a hard time about it - was supportive and patient and they adore him now. At 11wks it is about feeding and in general is just because mother is often primary caregiver.

don't worry about. mothers and fathers were NOT created equal. my DS is 8mo and goes through phases, wants daddy for some things, mummy for others. it all evens out.