AIBU

[pullingmyhairout1]

Being a NRP is very new to me, and I am trying hard to not be an arse but I am struggling to find middle ground with my ex, and I need some guidance.

Backstory is he got residency awarded whilst our dd lived with him as I was moving for work. He has since been difficult with telephone and face to face contact.

I live 190 miles away.

I have had to change my mobile number because he has used it to abuse me. So he has contact numbers for my partner and dad for emergencies.

I asked him if I could pick our DD up the evening of Boxing Day this year because I cannot go to his on my own. I don't trust him not to be nasty or vindictive to me or try and twist my words as he lied in the court application.

Anyway he said no chance you have to come on 27th. This leaves me going on my own as my partner will be working. This gives me HUGE anxiety because he is making me do something I really don't want to for my own safety. At the same time I have no choice because I love my dd and want to see her.

Reason ex gave for not allowing me to pick her up on 26th is he has family commitments. Dd was down the weekend and said that Daddy told her he wants her to spend more time with his girlfriend, so is not family related at all. I also found out that he has told her to keep other things from me too.

I am very upset by this. I always tell her that she should be truthful to everyone. I am concerned that he is encouraging her to keep secrets but I cannot even consider talking to ex about it because I promised I would keep her confidence.

After all that rant aibu to want to pick my dd up Boxing Day?

Before you say it I know I'm going to have to suck it up but it hurts.

I know gf may become family but it's Christmas day ffs

Christmas I mean not Christmas day. Grr

Imo your ex is failing your dd by asking her to keep secrets full stop.
What contact do you have in writing?

Email only. He lies so much he believes his own lies, and twists anything I say or just makes it up.

I have access to the email address 24/7 so not really restrictive.

What actual physical contact do you have with dd through the courts?

What age is your DD?

DD is 7.

Courts have agreed eow with 2 x telephone per week and 4 weeks per year holiday because I only get that leave per year.

I would love DD eow but I genuinely cannot afford it at the moment, when I am established at work and have a bit more money in I will be able to do it - plus increase child support.

Eow is going to amount to 2 nights and 1 day due to time travelling and when he has her ordered to be home.

He knows I can't afford legal rep, and he is using his large payout from his pension (ex armed forces) to force it that route.

It's an awful situation for you OP, no doubt about it. It would kill me to be away from my DD like this. I'm very confused as to how you ended up being NRP though. I also appreciate it's of no consequence in this situation, it is what it is. Will you never be able to live with her again though? Can this not be revisited at some point? I admit, I know very little about family law in the UK, but is it not the norm that children stay with their mothers? I'm sorry if I'm wrong about that, but that has always been my understanding of it.

But yes, I'm afraid it looks like you're going to have to 'suck it up' as you put it. It's insightful to hear it from a mother's side though. It's become par for course that NR fathers adhere to contact orders set down by the mothers during holiday time. You're at his mercy it seems and if he decides she's to stay with him; whether family or girlfriend related, there's not much you can do about it.

As for not wanting to pick her up on your own on 27th, well again, if you really want to see her, you're just going to have to. Arrange to meet in a neutral location if he'll agree to it.

Long story short I work in a niche job. Where I was living there were no jobs in that field when the company was working with went pop. Got offered a job in an area I lived in for 20 years previously and whilst my house sold in his area whilst I was buying in new area dd was staying with ex whilst I lived in a property that really wasn't suitable for habitation.

He said he agreed to her moving then hit me with an emergency court order 2 days before she was due to join me.

He admits no welfare issues. Cafcass have no concerns of dd living with me but because she is currently in his care the court wants the status quo to remain.

As to the 27th I will find someone to go with me. He can't meet me because of his work, and tbh I don't want to give him any stick to beat me with.