high anxiety following very sad news **possible trigger warning**

[shakeyourcaboose]

I'm not sure if I'm meant to write trigger warning or if @MNHQ does? But it took a long time for me to move DC into own room due to SIDs of family baby so had high levels of anxiety. Have just heard 6 months old friend of friend has passed away. I have no connection other than this and I can already feel the upsurge of irrational thought and anxiety about tonight and been too frightened to put DC to bed. I would be wrong to take DC in and co sleep given the nightmare it was getting into own room wouldnt I? And please don't think I am taking someone else's tragedy for my own irrational drama. I cannot even begin to know what they are going through.

I am sorry you are going through this but yes you would be wrong to disturb your child and potentially upset them for your own mental health.

How old is your child? Unless they want to be in their own room the it is fine to keep them in your own room but you can’t chop and change.

thanks for reply, i know am being irrational and despite fact I'm finding it a struggle DC now in bed (own room!) 16 months old but only been in own room since 14 months- which I've had a lots of negativity about from DM!

I know nothing about anxiety so I can't help you there. However all of my children have coslept and didn't move into their own room til they were over two. When they did then move out of ours,they were happy about it and we had no issues.
If you want to carry on, then it's nobody's business but yours and your partners.

I don't know. I think I'd want my baby close after hearing that TBH and I'm not an overly anxious person. However if it would completely disturb a routine that's been really hard to get in place you need to consider that.

hi @shakeyourcaboose where your child sleeps is essentially your business (although as the mother of a co sleeper or no sleeper it is bloody painful a real shame to undo your hard work!). i'm more concerned frankly about whether you are being helped with your anxiety?

I agree with others, it would be a shame to make thinks harder for yourself by cosleeping again.

What’s helped with your anxiety in the past? Have you got anything to distract yourself with?

Thanks again, have been using CBT to try and break negative thoughts and find positive evidence against my anxiety- it's just so bloody sad- and am trying hard to to get myself caught up in a bad cycle.

@rachelracket mine also was co sleep or no sleep so this has been a long and painful few months. Am currently watching junk TV to distract and stop my self from parking outside DCs room listening.

I agree with RJ.

Maybe a daft idea but could you camp out in DCs room for a few nights till the initial shock and sadness starts to settle?

I would want to be close to my baby too. Can you sleep on the floor in their room tonight? Have you got a blow up mattress?

Don't do it every night, that would be bad for your anxiety, but for tonight when the news is such a shock it would be ok

Would you feel any better if you had one of those mattress alarm things? You put them under the sheets and it detects if baby stops breathing. I never had one but I have friends who have used them.

I don't think any of this is irrational. It's no surprise that this has dredged up those feelings-don't be hard on yourself.

I agree with the others-camp out in his room. You'll feel better for it and it won't upset any routines.

Thanks all, I think that's what I'm going to do- which will require silent crawling in, but will be better than multiple checks and going in/out.

I have had a similar situation with dc (also had sids in the family, and my dc had reflux and associated apnoea, which made it worse), and tbh although I never got totally over my anxiety no one else knows about it. Well dh does, as I have told him, but neither of the dc are aware and it is not an issue.

I had the dc with me for longer than you have, and afterwards I had a double bed in their room so if they woke up I could get into bed with them - I also did this if I couldn't sleep for worrying sometimes.

I am completely not an anxious parent and am actually fairly laissez faire about letting them take risks when they are awake - but them sleeping still terrifies me a bit.

Dc are now 10 and 7 and I still occasionally pop my head through the door before going to bed to hear them breathing. They occasionally get disturbed, mutter 'love you mummy', then turn over and go back to sleep. Ds1 has told me he likes the fact that I sometimes give him a cuddle in the middle of the night (which I do when I can't hear him breathing through popping my head in the door ).

I think that you need to do what you need to do to manage your anxiety, so long as it doesn't negatively affect your dc. Everyone else can go hang, imo.

I would say that wanting to be close to your baby is a pretty natural reaction to that news. But I don't get why people like your dm get so concerned about where other people's children sleep either. In your position, if co-sleeping really will disrupt your dc, I think I might think about making up a camp bed on the floor in dc's room to ease the anxiety a bit. I have no idea if this is the right thing to do but it is how I would feel.

From a factual point of view, isn't it the case that more infant deaths occur from unsafe co-sleeping (on sofas/chairs, when parents have consumed alcohol/drugs etc) than just occur spontaneously when the child is in its own bed? At least that's what the HV told me when I was anxious.

I don't know if that's a helpful thing to point out or not, but it did help me feel more rational about moving DS into his own room.

Realistically you know their tragedy has no bearing on your own child, but I suffer from anxiety myself so I know it's not as simple as that. Would a baby monitor help? I still have my 2.5 year old on a video monitor for this reason.

@Liara that's v similar to me, dc goes to nursery, has had overnights at GPs and am never anxious about that,or taking part in groups and clubs but night time can be awful!

Not surprising that you're anxious. And yes I agree don't move DC into your room but makes sense to sleep beside cot for a night or two until you feel better.

Ah, I see others suggested the same. So sorry for your friend.

Another one here who, in your situation, would probably camp out on the floor next to them.
Very sorry for your friend.
I do identify with your anxiety OP.
Some nights I’d be overwhelmed by it and woke up every few minutes, convinced something dreadful was going to happen.

This too shall pass.

We still have baby monitor although I've managed to step away from holding it up to my ear!

I would bring baby in with you in a heartbeat (but we have a family bed) & i cant understand why that could be a bad thing unless your partner is against it.
I hope you sleep well tonight

I have awful anxiety and I wouldn't have coped without a sensor monitor. An led light flashes every time it senses movement or a heartbeat and it obv sounds an alarm when no movement is felt for 20 seconds.
I used it for 14 months with my first and I'm still using it now with my son who is even older than that as he doesn't wriggle around off of the sensor mat in the night.
I highly recommend them. Although your little one is probably at the age where he will wriggle off the mat and it will go off all night.

Thank you all again for your input, am heading off to bed (well floor bed!) and hopefully will get some sleep. Reading similar reactions and thinking has really helped me and although it's not great to have this thinking- to know I'm not alone it it has been so benefical.