Signs of PND or am I just a shit mum?

[shitmum123]

I'm hoping someone will be able to give me some advice. DD is 14 months and I feel like I'm at breaking point. I'm so tired all the time because DD doesn't sleep well and she cries all the time. I've stopped going out because I'm too tired to function and I'm worried she'll just cry. I'm up all night with her. She goes to sleep fine, but she's up every 2 hours and then up for the day at 5.30am.

She's so clingy, but at the same time it seems like she hates me. If I leave the room, she cries and follows me. Even if I just move away from her, she cries. If she's crying and I try to comfort her, she doesn't want me touching her.

I shouted at her this morning to shut up and I'm so ashamed of myself.

I don't have any family support, both my parents have passed away. I have someone who comes and looks after her for 5 hours a week, but most of the time I can't leave her alone so I'm paying someone to sit with me and DD for 5 hours! I've tried a childminder, but she wouldn't settle, even after weeks of 'settling in' visits. I can't take her to nursery, because she won't take her naps independently. I have a couple of friends, but not close so I don't see them often.

I worry that there might be something wrong with her, that she's crying to tell me she's seriously ill, but if I say that to a doctor, I'll sound crazy!

All I've ever wanted is to be a mum, and I'm failing miserably. I'm worried she's going to grow up hating me and hating her life.

Oh that sounds rough. I'd go to the GP, for you and her. You'll feel reassured to know that she's ok and maybe you could do with some help too.

for you too

Hiya, sounds really tough. Sounds like PND or just generlaly how difficult it is with little ones (really hard)!!

You need some support and some away time from the little one. How about Homestart? They have fully vetted, trained volunteers that are experienced with young kids / babies and there to help parents like yourself, for a few hours a week. Please do contact them. They will help you.

Make sure you see your GP and health visitor too. It's hellish, I went through the same thing with no support and nearly went mad, but it does get easier with time and support. Just focus on one day at a time.

You are not a shit mum.
When he person comes over, to watch her for five hours, what is stopping you from leaving? She must still be small, so give her to the person and leave.

Do you have a partner, or mum?

Also try a different childminder! It could just be the one you tried...

Oh god, that sounds so hard. Do you have a partner?

I would certainly visit the GP and/or phone your HV for some advice- some are quick to jump and say PND, but it sounds like a rational reaction to a very hard situation.

Have you considered sleep training? If she is crying all the time, could it be down to tiredness? I felt similar to you, but earlier and decided to sleep Train as DS was just miserable all the time. He did cry a bit during sleep training but not for as long as when we try to comfort him he now sleeps very well and my world is a different place

Lots of babies go to nursery having not napped independently before. They learn how to fit in with the nursery, and seeing what the other children do. I wouldn't wright it off as an option. Equally as a PP has said you could try a different childminder.

I think you should talk to the GP and HV and check that there's nothing that might be medically wrong.

Then you need to work on leaving her for short periods of time so you can recharge and be better able to look after her when you're with her. If the five hours person you have already isn't confident find an experienced nanny or childminder who is confident and just get away. Although it might be easier for you to be able to go to your own bed and catch up on sleep without hearing her so a childminder might be better than a nanny, unless the nanny is happy to go out to a group or something.

I'm not sure you have pnd and your definitely not a shit mum, you've just got a demanding child, they're all different.

*write

Sounds like sleep is the main issue. Can you get a sleep xonsultant in to help? Re the nursery and naps I would leave them to it, they know every trick in the book plus the peer pressure of seeing all their little friends napping at the same time. It just becomes part of their day. To me it sounds like you need to be a little tougher and put yourself first for a bit before you get really ill. Re the 5hrs childcare why can't you just leave the house? If she cries then so what? She has to learn you need independent time too.

I am with DD's Dad, but he doesn't help much. I really don't want this to turn into a barrage of LTB though, that's a thread for a different day! We don't argue, he doesn't make me miserable, he just isn't a hands on dad. He does a little bit and if I wasn't with him, I wouldn't even have that.

Regarding the childminder I tried, she called me after 30 mins to tell me to pick DD up because she was inconsolable. She was purple and hyperventilating when I got there!

The nanny is very young and I don't think she'd cope if I just left her with DD screaming.

I used sleep training to get her to fall asleep by herself and it worked, but she's never got the point of sleeping more than 2 hours.

The point of paying for a qualified nanny is for them to be able to cope with looking after a baby. Would you maybe consider a nursery instead? An excellent nursery will have experienced staff who ought to be able to handle this sort of thing.

Sounds like my son. He woke every 1-2 hours from birth to about 20 months, he's 2.5 now and still wakes every 2-3 hours. It's painful. He was also as you describe, clingy but seemed to hate me, he seemed to hate being alone at home with me but equally hated me leaving or bringing him to someone else. Tbh eventually I had to accept that he was old enough to start getting used to other caregivers, and I put him in creche two afternoons a week while I worked. He hates going 90% of the time but is fine once I leave. You need to find someone who will persevere, comfort and distract your child, not call you and tell you to collect them unless they really are inconsolable or there is no hope of them settling in.

My 13mo is just like this, exactly like this except she does want to be held - All. The. Time. That seems to be the only way to stop her crying. It must be so hard for you if she won't even settle when you hold her though. I'm a SAHM and so it's 24/7 and it's exhausting. I have a three year old at home too and she is very patient. She used to be just the same when she was younger and she gives me hope that it is just a phase and it will pass. It is hard though. Things that get me through: very supportive DP, talking (moaning) to friends and family, getting out every day even if just to the park (DD2 is so much happier when out and about), chocolate and just saying repeatedly to myself "this will pass" and it really will I promise.

I have been so low lately as I find it so stressful and end up not doing anything because everything just seems like too much effort but then I get really down if I just stay at home all the time. It really pays to just take a gulp and go out. I have considered taking her to the docs but, like you, I think what would I tell them? I know she's fine, she's just very very clingy and that's just massively inconvenient for me!!

Just to add, you are not a shit mum, you are such an amazing mum that she doesn't want to be parted from you xxx

Sorry that others are having a hard time, but so relieved I'm not the only one.

I'm a bit scared to call my HV in case she arranges a visit and then I start crying when she's here. I'm worried she'll think I can't cope. DD has just started walking a few steps and keeps falling over. She has a tiny bruise on her leg. What if the HV sees it and thinks I'm not doing everything I can to stop her from hurting herself? I know they're supposed to help but I'm so worried.

I know I should get out more. I need to do more with DD. I just feel like a zombie.

Is 14 months ok for a baby to start nursery? DP says it's too young.

Both mine were in nursery at 12 months as I went back to work. They both thrived and loved it, so I don't think 14 months is too young.

The HV wouldn't care at all about small bruises on legs from a newly walking baby. That is totally normal, along with bruises on the head from falling over or bumping in to things. HV are trained to know the difference between typical bruises to do with learning to walk, and suspicious ones.

They also won't worry if you cry! Really they won't. They know it's hard work and they will just want to help. So many parents are in the same situation, it's common and not anything to worry about.

I think you are worrying unnecessarily about the HV. You are doing nothing wrong and the only reason you are struggling is due to lack of sleep and never getting a break. Now HV can be great or rubbish so you never know, but they will almost certainly be helpful about a simple issue like this. I'm not saying its easy to solve but that's the sort of problem HV deal with a lot, and they will have some idea how to deal with it.

Hey! You are not a shit mum! Now change your username immediately x

HVs are there for this reason.
Go speak to your GP, get a double appointment, one for you and one for DD. There maybe a clinical reason for her distress.
If not, then it sounds like she’s at the hardcore seperation anxiety stage. Happened to me. Look up the Wonder Weeks app, provides a lot of reassurance and guidance as to what’s happening at each stage of babyhood.
Next up, you need a childminder / nanny properly qualified to look after DD. Unless it’s a medical emergency these folk are trained to cope with situations just like these.
Lean on your HV. Cry on her/him. Be candid. Nobody will put you on a register for shouting when you are sleep deprived and at your wits end. Sleep deprivation is used as a torture device for a reason.

Lastly, tomorrow is another day. Hold this mantra close to your heart and repeat again and again. Even the most amazing mums have lost their shit at times. Doesn’t make you feel better I know.

Sometimes a thing called Home Start is mentioned on here. I think they provide support for families with no relatives and little backup support. Someone wiser than me will fill you in.

Keep the faith. And walk away and count to ten when it all boils over. Xxx