Pregnant, 10 year old son keeps making me lose the plot, help me keep calm.... please!

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I will try and keep this brief. I am 18 weeks pregnant with DC3, I have DS1 10years and DS2 7 Years. My 10 year can be VERY hard work, 7 year old an angel. 10 year has had problems with anger and is very stubborn at times. We have sought help about him and lots of suggestions were made saying he had mild ADHD, then it was Dyspraxia then the final diagnosis was mild Aspergers. He can be the most kind considerate child a lot of the time, especially if his little brother isn't around. He prefers the company of adults. He does seem to have problems with his social skills. Most of the problems start usually connected with his little brother.

I'll give an example of what happened this morning: Yesterday DS2 put DS1's plate and cup away and DS1 said he'd get DS2's shoes out for him in the morning to return the favour. So this morning DS1 refuses to get DS2's shoes out, saying that he didn't say that and that he said he'd put shoes away, not get them out!

Me 'come on, just get them out, both of us heard you say that yesterday',
DS2 'no I didn't',
Me 'we haven;t got time for this just do it',
DS1 'NO!!', I count to 5, DS1 get's only DS2'S shoes out and then just sits down. Bearing in mind, we are going to be late.......
Me, 'where are your shoes',
DS1 'I'm not getting mine out DS2 can get them' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me 'That's ridiculous, you were in the cupboard anyway, you should have just got yours... come on now we are going to be late, if you want to come in the car you need to get a move on.... are you coming with me or are you going to walk?'
DS1 angry voice 'I'm going to walk'
Me 'Fine do what you want'
DS1 then walks into the lounge, sits down and starts stroking the cat.

It's at this point that I really lost it,
Me 'Hurry up and get on with it, you're going to be late'
DS1 'You told me I could do what I wanted' stroking cat,
Me 'Not inside the house you're not'
I got his shoes and coat out of the cupboard, picked up his school bag and put them outside the front door,
Me ' Out now'
DS1 starts crying and runs into the cupboard shutting the door behind him

All this is going on I'm thinking poor DS2 poor DS2 he's going to be late

I open cupboard door saying 'out now', my DS1 is VERY big for his age and refused to come out, I ended up dragging him out of the cupboard, at which point he decided to sit down in the middle of the hallway, on top of DS2's school bag, I then dragged him up and pushed him out the door. I then called poor DS2 and we went out the front door and got in the car, I called back to DS2 and asked him again if he wanted to come in the car, he said No, so off we went.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH

NOW, I know I'm probably a bit hormonal, AND I also know I am VERY stubborn when it comes to DS1 which doesn't help when he's so stubborn, but seriously, I'm going to crack up soon.

What I'm really hoping for is some help to manage my emotions during these situations, ie if I'd kept completely calm I would have been able to think more rationally and probably would have just come downstairs when it all started and said right I'll get the shoes out then........... that would have been the end of it.......... instead I dug my heals in...... he dug his heals in.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP ME!!!!!!!

Sorry for long one

Hi there,
11-yr-old Asperger's son here, with intermittently angelic 8-yr-old brother, so I sympathise. Oh boy that sounded familiar (today I rashly said 'Right, through the door with you' to DS1, and he ambled amiably into the living room instead of OUT the front door, and that wasn't even meant to be a wind-up).

The only thing that really works for us is to write things down beforehand, either on the calendar or a full-scale schedule. Here, I guess a post-it with 'get shoes for DS2' would be all you'd need.

Personally I feel a right nellie having a morning timetable (with pictures!) that includes putting shoes on both feet and getting out of the right door, and I do have days of yelling 'Oh fgs it's obvious I didn't mean you could do WHATEVER you wanted!!!!' -- but it really helps.

DS1 loves his much younger sister, btw, and is generally good with babies and toddlers, so I hope yours will have the same pleasure in that relationship.
All the best!

Thanks for your post Puss, DS1 is really really good with babies and small children too... thank goodness. Both DH and I have said that this baby will be the making of him.

Don't you find that they seem to do things to wind you up.. or at least that's how it appears. The worrying thing is he's getting older and BIGGER now, and I'm genuinely scared of what it'll be like when he reaches puberty.

The psychologists didn't seem tooooo definite with their diagnosis of him, they said he's a bit of a conundrum (SP). They talked about giving him ritilin a few years ago but DH and I refused it.

He;s just SO BLOODY STUBBORN!

ps that's a good idea about writing stuff on post it notes.

I've just been up to his room and found for the UMPTEENTH time he's left his bedside lamp on and blind closed, his room is in loft, so it's not that easy for me to keep popping up to check. I've even told him that I will take some of his pocket money to pay for electricity bill.... no difference.

He does homework, and doesn;t hand it in. We found weeks and weeks worth in bottom of his school bag.

He doesn't fill in his homework diary at school, he's supposed to do it every day. We've been telling him for years to do it.. seriously. Now when he comes home from school, if he hasn't filled it in, he has to write on the calendar for that day 'Lost 50p'. This doesn't seem to be working.

What more can I do? Am I approaching it all wrong. It just seems to be punish punish punish at the moment, nothing seems to make a difference. He hasn;t been allowed to play his beloved XBox now for 3 weeks due to several 'crimes commited'.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmm, mine gets quite a lot of help at school, and that includes someone writing in his homework diary AND frisking him for completed homework, so I can't be much help there. Utter disorganisation seems to go with the territory (or else mine gets it from his mother ).

Could you take a step back from the punishments, which probably wind you up more than him by now, and try 'When you've done this [switch off light/clear plate from table/do part of homework/whatever!] then you can play on XBox/absorb every detail of the bloody Hornby catalogue/read the Beano'?

I've also gradually realised that backing off when things don't matter that much is NOT 'making a rod for my own back' or even letting him 'get away with it', because he sees the situation differently anyhow (in your case, 'I got DS2's shoes out so Iive done what she asked! Parents are just so unREASonable!).

Having said that, I do a LOT of counting backwards -- 'DS1. Shoes on feet. Ten, nine, eight, ... Right. Other shoe. Ten, nine, ...', to the point that my youngest used to beg 'Please don't count, Mummy!!' almost as soon as she could talk

OMG Puss, it's like you're my double or something!!!

That is exactly how I've been approaching it, being almost anal about not giving in, because
a) I'm meant to be in charge
b) If I give in, he'll go right downhill
c) ie I'll make a rod for my own back

and I also have this thing in the back of my head..... 'I would NEVER have spoken to my Mum like that etc etc'

And yes, it winds me up, loads more than him.

It's horrible, because it all just seems to be so negative, and there are times I look at him and think 'I don't like you'

But if he does have Asperger's (granted it doesn't seem to be as clear-cut as for my boy), does he recognize that you are meant to be in charge? It doesn't necessarily come naturally. I had a conversation a little while back that went something like this:

Me: Pick that up, DS1, and try not to drop things on the floor.
DS1: I'm not doing it till you say Please.
Me: Pick it up and don't be cheeky!
DS1: You didn't say Please.
DH: [roar} DO AS YOUR MOTHER SAYS!
DS1: What, you mean I have to just do things because she says it, but I have to say please? How is that fair? Why can't I tell her what to do, like she tells me?

The thing is, if that had been DS2, it would be cheek, no question about it but it wasn't (or not exactly). It's a problem with judging social standing. No wonder he finds smaller kids relaxing no question who knows more and can do more.

Should be working... very happy to chat later though.

Good luck (and hormones are a good excuse for most things!)

Hi PussinWellies, thanks for taking time to post whilst at work, soz!!

The more I chat to you teh more my DS1 sounds like yours. I've had numerous conversations with him about why it's fair that I can do things that he can't etc etc, I just say it's not fair but that's the way it is, when you're grown up you'll be able to bla bla etc.

Also, it's interesting what you say about treating your other child differently, I'm EXACTLY the same, nothing tends to be a big deal with DS2, even when he's being completely unreasonable, I always try to rationalise it, ie he's tired, or he's upset about something, or it's just not worth telling him off about as that would be negative parenting.

This is me:
DS1 - negative parent
DS2 - positive parent

Sometimes I do have to stop myself and think 'if this was DS2 doing this, how would I deal with it?' and the truth is, I'd deal with it so differently. But then I suppose you have to take into account all the history and stuff that's happened over the years. We're talking nearly 10 years worth of problems. It all seemed to start just before his 1st birthday.

Also to add: With DS2, all I have to do is give him 'a look' and he knows to stop whatever it is he's doing, 'the look' doesn;t work at all with DS1.

Yesterday we went to the library, in the car on the way back I noticed that DS1 was sitting on a book, I said 'you're sitting on a book', he looked down and said 'I'm sitting on 2' !!!!!!!!!!!! It wasn;t until I said 'I beg your pardon' that he realised I meant for him to get off the books before he damaged them.

I'll chat to you later Puss. Thank you x x x

Just another quick one about people being in charge.....

He has a real problem with lunchtime supervisors at school, it is a lot better than it was, but he had no respect for them at all because they weren't teachers.

Me again (I work from home btw, so have to force my self to get back to it sometimes).
This does all sound very familiar (though my younger son isn't QUITE that responsive to The Look -- wish he was!). I was going to mention the problems DS1 has with apparent lack of respect for adults (in his case teachers and lunchtime staff). Again, we had to tell him specifically that these people were In Charge and To Be Respected. At least he now knows, even if he doesn't necessarily know (or agree) what to do about.

How long have you had this slightly iffy diagnosis? Have you had any actual help? Does he have real problems at school or is it all on that awkward margin between 'difficult child' and 'child with difficulties'?

As there doesn't seem to be anyone else here today have you thought of putting this on the Special Needs board? There are some seriously clued-up people there you show me up for the amateur mummy I really am...

10 year old boys can try anyones patience.....mine is reading this with a smile ( very rare for him)....

You've been a brilliant help so far Puss... just doing tea at minute, will log on again later. x

Don't have a 10 year old boy, do have a 10 year old dd who has the ability to get me sooooo mad, where dd2 (7) just can't.

HIWBB, (hope you don't mind me calling you that!) - you sound exactly like me.

"a) I'm meant to be in charge
b) If I give in, he'll go right downhill
c) ie I'll make a rod for my own back

and I also have this thing in the back of my head..... 'I would NEVER have spoken to my Mum like that etc etc' "

I could have written that word for word.

Sometimes I too have terrible trouble keeping calm.

You probably know what the best thing to do is - just walk away. (I know this too, doesn't mean I always do it though!).

I have been close to taking dd2 to school first, and then coming back for dd1, so that dd2 doesn't have to be late for school just because of dd1's behaviour. Haven't done it yet, but I would if pushed.

Could you do something like that? Something so shocking that it would "get through" to him? Might be worth a try.

Other than that, I don't really have any advice, but you do have my sympathy.