help me sort out my 4 year old's bedtime

[colditz]

he has had some disruption in the past 2 months(loooooong story) and it seems to have led to him not going to bed. he will go upstairs very happily, indeed will even tell me it is bedtime, have story, kiss, cuddle, big light out.

Now, really this should happen at 7.30. but it is generally closer to 8 o clock.

Once I copme downstairs though, he arses about for up to 2 hours.

"I am hungry!" "I am thirsty" "I need a wee" "I am poorly" "I am thirsty again" "My tummy hurts!" "My knee is poorly"

Honestly, he is not hungry. The last thing I do before bedtime is give him some supper and a drink of milk, then it is upstairs for a wash and brush while sitting on the loo, there is no sign of tummy ache until he is running out of things to ask for etc.

So how can I stop him doing this? I could bribe him, and it would work, but I like to save that for very big things, like pooing on the toilet and giving up the dummy (last year)

...

We had this with ds at about that age, blooming annoying you just get to the bottom of the stairs and they call you back up again. We solved it by deffo make sure do a wee before getting into bed and bringing a small drink of water for his bed side incase he got thirsty (which never gets drunk). Then saying Is there anything else you want before I go back down? Be consistant and maybe have a sticker chart for a few weeks to see if he can 'be a big boy' and go off to sleep nice and quitely.

my only suggestion would be to firm (i know you are probably already being so feel free to ignore the rest of my post!).
he can go to the toilet (on his own), he can have a drink (leave a beaker in the bathroom and he can fill it up from the tap) but he is NOT to come downstairs to you.
explain this before you leave him, first time he comes down explain it again and take him back to bed, thereafter just say "ds it's bedtime" and take him back to bed without saying anything else.
Not quite sure on the knee hurting, tummy ache, personally I would tell him that unless his knee was bleeding or he had actually been sick then I didn't want to know about it - but I can appreciate it that not everyone would want to take that route.
hope you get some more suggestions soon.

tbh my ds will play, look at books etc for between 10 mins and 2 hours depending on what time it is and how tired he is, but he only comes downstairs to me if there really is a problem. I am happy with him doing this - he isn't tired but by 7.30/8pm I need my own space.

Get tough Colditz. Try not to enter into conversation, just re-iterate that it is bedtime and he must go to sleep Tanya Byron Stylie....

Is his room light enough for him? Is he scared of something? Would a special nightlight / torch / teddy / magic dust / pretty stars on ceiling etc help him feel more secure?

When ds first moved into his own bedroom he was just 3, and we went up to him every time he called out - we went very quickly each time to reassure him he would never be left on his own if he didn't want to be

then gradually we explained that we were getting very tired of going up and down stairs and could he please only call out 3 times each evening. If he had called out 3 times already and was upset we would still go up, but mostly he stuck to it (with lots of reminders and firmness)

Over time he called less and less and now hardly ever calls out. He has a drink next to him and I am firm about no snacks after bedtime - you may have to go through a stage of saying "now are you hungry any more? No? Right, remember no more snacks until morning time then" each night.

Don't know if any of this useful for 4 y o and tbh you have prob already thought of all of these, but just wanted to offer support

Well, contrary to the military image, I'm not spartan. He has toys, books, teddies, (no torch because he dismantles them to see where the light goes) and he may lie in bed with all of them, play quietly, sing etc. he has a drink, and may get up and get one. No food in bed, never has been. I refuse to even entertain a tummy ache that is so obviously a last resort. The landing light is always on.

He's not scared, just bored I think. I try my very hardest to load him with attention, as he has a younger brother, but unfortunately the most concentrated shot of this is right before bedtime, because ds2 goes to bed at 7. So I think it is fresh in his memory when he goes to bed, and he wants to come back down. he is, however, knackered, and needs to sleep!

Oh sorry colditz I did not mean to suggest you were being hard on him or anything! I always think you are a very responsive and caring parent

If boredom and not fear I would try the 3 visits and that it it technique. It won't kill you to go up 3 times, will it? (or maybe it will, you tell me). I think once he knows he is allowed to ask for a little bit more attention just for the sake of it, the urgent demands might die down a little bit?

Is he overtired? There is a window for sleep and if you miss it you are looking at another 45 mins minimum. Maybe try bringing bedtime forwards a bit?

It's ok Franny I am very hard to offend, it goes with the lack of sensitivity

If bedtime is any earlier he just bounces on the bed. He is 'busy'.