Second Reflux baby ruining relationship

[Thenappyassistant]

Our poor 2 month old baby has a cows milk allergy and is on Neocate, ranitidine and gaviscon. He is really unsettled and always crying and writhing in pain. Throws up constantly. Gaviscon helps but makes him constipated so we have to limit that. He is our second child and our first daughter who is only 2 and a half had severe reflux also. She was on ranitidine and gaviscon too. I love my kids dearly but omg it’s soooo very hard exhausting having a second reflux baby. It’s destroying my relationship with their dad as we have no relaxing time together at all. All of us are constantly stressed and exhausted. I know we are lucky because our kids are totally gorgeous and sweet and I wouldn’t change them for the world but I honestly don’t know what to do.

We are literally at each other’s throats all the time and my poor little baby is in constant pain. Then the tension and the baby screaming gets to my little girl too. It’s just such a stressful situation. We have decided we probably should break up as we can’t seem to get on but I can’t help but think if our son was more settled perhaps we would be able to communicate better and try and resolve our issues. This isn’t going to happen as I know how long reflux can last. It’s awful. I’m so anxious and stressed and upset. Xx

Ps I just wanted to know if anyone else has been in this situation and found a way out or if they also faced relationship problems with a colicy or reflux baby???

Have you tried omeprazole? Ranitidine didn’t work for us but omeprazole saved my sanity. It’s so tough. Hang in there.

I have zero experience of this but just wanted to say how difficult that sounds. Can totally get why you feel your relationship is at breaking point.

But the reality is that this WILL get better. It’s maybe months and months away but it will.

I wish I had some helpful advice. Sorry if my post sounds trite.

You seem quite resentful of your son. I strongly suspect his colic wouldn't make a jot of difference to you splitting up as he's so young.

Atsea if you’ve never had a baby with reflux then it’s impossible to imagine what it is like so it’s not helpful to write it off as just colic. It’s hours and hours of constant screaming and ZERO sleep or down time day or night plus constant vomiting. It’s exceptionally tough.

And this is the OP’s second reflux baby. I only had one refluxer and survived with my mental health intact by the skin of my teeth.

OP - please ignore atsea comment

Amen to ignoring the comment from atsea. Unless you have been there you literally have no idea how stressful it is to have a baby that cries and pukes and then cries some more. It is horrendous, not like your run of the mill second baby tiredness and juggling. OP you have my sympathy.

Would second the Omeprazole suggestion. We had lansoprazole melts, they were good because there was no crushing/ opening caplets. They really, really worked, combined with the milk-free milk.

Our world was changed by finding a liquid calcium carbonate-only antacid for our little boy. We'd tried all the things you tried and it was horrible watching him in pain. The first time he ever took a capful of the calcium carbonate suspension, his body relaxed with relief in 20 seconds and he started to giggle.

The amazing thing is, since it worked so fast and well when we would try it, he has become quite the easy toddler to dose with medicine and seems to have developed a very intense trust in my DH and me to know what's best. I am in the US or I would recommend a brand, but I know medicines are different in the UK. Still, as calcium carbonate only, it won't hurt your child, can't hurt to try.

I haven't got any experience of this either but just wanted to say too that it sounds immensely tough and that you are a super hero. With the best will in the world, with zero sleep and hours of screaming no couple can communicate well and enjoy each others' company. If you can, I'd avoid making any big/life changing decisions until you're out of this cloud. We only had a few days of something similar with our LO and it nearly broke me. Be kind to yourselves. I really hope it passes soon

2dgc have/had reflux. On neocate and omeprazole. The omeprazole is much better than ranitidine. They've also been kept dairy free as far as possible. One dgc outgrew it by nine months. The other is 7 months and is ok as long as meds are used. Also early weaning made a great difference.

At its worst my ds was in tears from lack of sleep and desperation.

I'm sure every colicky baby is different, but the doctor told my mother, back in the old days, to give her colicky baby a bit of buttermilk and within a day and a half her baby was cured.

You poor thing.

I also had two babies with reflux and it's super tough. I remember the tears (mine) and the frustration (mine), and the sheer unrelenting nature of it. All that washing all the time. And the trying to keep them upright. And then they throw up again.

I third/fourth omeprazole. That with ranitidine helped no end.

It always felt so unrelentless that cracks do show In any relationship. It did in mine too.

Trying to concentrate on it being short lived helped. How old was your eldest when it lessened. I actually found it was a bit shorter time with the second to lessen. I hope it is with you too.

It's nothing like colic. It's just not.

atsea Fuck right off

OP. Please ignore that horrendously nasty post. We had two boys with severe reflux. Meds were limited help. Neither of them slept through one single night before they were 2. Going out anywhere, DS1 would not tolerate the buggy or the car seat. He only didn't cry if he was in a sling (or backpack when he was older.)

Obviously the car seat was non-negotiable, so long journeys were very fraught.

There was 3.5 years between them and ds1 had finally started sleeping better (but still multiple wakings a night) when ds2 arrived. He regressed again as soon as newborn ds1's crying began disturbing him in the night...

I know, beyond any doubt, that dh and I would have broken up during this period if it weren't for the fact that we'd been together for 7 years before starting a family. DH and I both knew that who we'd become was not the real us. We were both being tortured by severe sleep deprivation at night and the stress of unsettled and whinging children in the daytime...along with mountains more laundry than any other parents we knew

Please don't make any rash decisions now. You're quite possibly both still the very same people who fell in love with each other, deep down.

Dh and I have now been married for 19 years, together for 25, and since ds2 turned 2.5ish (he's now 14, and ds1 is 18) I can safely say we are the happiest couple we know. But from ds1's birth, until around 6 years later, was a hugely trying time. We did have happy times, but a hell of a lot of stress and tears too.

Once the kids were more content, everything became manageable again. Don't give up hope. (And do see what other reflux meds you can try. We were never offered omeprazole, which PP's seem to rave about.)

I have experience of this. Our first son was very bad with reflux and prescribed both Gaviscon then Ranitidine. It felt never ending. All he did was writhe and cry and scream in pain especially at night when we tried to put him down. We ended up just taking turns holding him almost 24/7 totally exhausting especially when husband went back to work. I had more than a few breakdowns due to physical and emotional tiredness. Nothing really helped but after around three months or so he just slowly started getting better. He’s been such a great boy since and so well behaved and kind and loving.

Fast forward two years and we are in almost the same position with second son who is 12weeks. Though not just as severe. He has been diagnosed with reflux but not as distressing for him than it was for first son. He is prescribed ranitidine. He still doesn’t really settle whether he’s lying down or being held so we are taking shifts at sleeping at night while the other watches him. We are very slowly seeing improvements in him but it’s been an age coming.

My husband and I haven’t slept in the same bed since baby 2 came along and we don’t get any time together just us two as whenever our toddler goes to bed so does one of us. Sleep wins every-time at the moment. Sex hasn’t been even considered. It’s been hard but we both know that once this passes he’ll be worth every single sleepless second. Although it doesn’t seem like it at times.

Were you and your husband happy before the reflux took hold? If so it’s maybe worth waiting to see if you can rekindle that once it passes? If you love each other you’ll maybe get by this once it starts getting better, It hopefully won’t be too long until you start seeing small improvements? I can honestly understand how absolutely exhausting and soul destroying two reflux babies can be.

Hope you have good support otherwise. There are people who can empathise completely. Please post again if you need to x

You need to go into survival mode, OP. You need help - family/friends or paid or volunteer. Can you phone Home Start and ask for support? A cleaner? Laundry pick up service? Online shopping?

Shifts. DH would take the shift after work and I would drive to a nearby quiet layby for a sleep. Alternate nights where one of us slept on the couch drugged up with Night Nurse whilst the other did the night of no sleep. One night away a month at a friend's house to get an uninterrupted sleep.

Making the effort to genuinely smile at each other. Touching hands at random moments. Intimacy without any real physical effort which we did not have energy for.

Sling during the day as much as possible to generate oxytocin for both DD1 and me/DH to alleviate the pain for her and keep us calmer. After we saw the Paediatric Consultant, we got a weighted dose of paracetamol and were able to do 2 nights a week of the four hourly weighted dose which meant some relief and sleep for DD1 and us.

I rode the bus some days as I got too tired to drive. DD1 in the pram and me with a pillow. Paid for a round trip somewhere more than hour away so I could sleep on the bus. DD1 liked the travelling motion and generally slept.

Atsea That's nonsense. Sleep deprivation, constant crying and the guilt that your baby is always in pain is absolutely galling. I could've happily left my DH when we were going through this just to escape! OP, it will get better. Or at least, once it has, you can assess more objectively. Good luck.

I've been in exactly this situation and we split up when DS2 was 8m old.

BUT - things were shit anyway before DS2 ever appeared, so it would have happened eventually anyway. So don't panic! The loss of sleep and constant screaming just tipped it all over the edge really for me. My ex was spectacularly unhelpful, full of 'advice' suggesting DS was like this because I was doing something wrong somehow and he was zero use practically. If he'd n9t been a useless abusive tosser, we'd have got through it fine eventually I'm sure.

I can't remember much about DS2's first year tbh. So little sleep completely broke my memory forming capacities, social skills and temper!

Omeprazole and nutramigen pure amino formula plus carobel as a natural thickener. Cut out the gaviscon as IME it just causes constipation and makes baby more uncomfortable. Ive had 2 babies with CMPI and terrible reflux so know the struggle. You have to get it under control and it will make things so much easier.

My daughter has cmpa and silent reflux. She's 18 months and still on nutramigen, ranitidine and omeperazole. We didn't start the omeperazole until 9 1/2 months (I'd been asking the gp for it for months) and it was a game changer. She suddenly started actually sleeping! Actual sleep. Not saying it cured everything, but made a big difference. I am terrified of having another cmpa/ reflux baby. I honestly look back and don't know how I survived as an individual, or how our marriage survived. We were so snappy with each other and I used to hate him vehemently at times. It does get easier eventually but hard to realise at the time. Good luck xx