SAHM with no support? How do you survive?

[Fizzypop2]

Hi all, I am a sahm of two DDs aged 2 and 5. DH is great with them when he’s around. He’s home in the evenings and weekends but is often only present in body.. he’s preoccupied with work or jobs around the house. I frequently say something to him and get no response. Same with the kids though. He is a wonderful dad and does things with us as a family when he can, but I don’t know...

I have no other support, my mum lives 3/4 hours away and MIL is an hour away and has her other grandchildren full time because my SIL works.

I’m finding it increasingly hard. I have no back up. Today I am ill, I desperately want to crawl into bed but can’t. I don’t know what my question is really, just need help and I don’t know where on Earth to turn.

I keep hearing people saying how their parents are taking the kids out for the day, or even for the weekend!! I just want to cry when I hear this. I see grandparents at the school gates. I hear grandparents telling me how their son/daughter is ill so they have popped round for an hour. Or how they have family meals together. My parents have had my children while we have gone out, but they live hundreds of miles away so it’s a big event. It’s the regular support you know? The extra hands. Someone to pop in or call on in an emergency. They say it takes a village to raise a child, where is my village? I’m so tired and lonely and have just had enough.

My in laws often tell me how lucky I am because I have DH (golden child!), my SIL told me how hard she found having small children especially as she did it all on her own.. her mum lives down the road! When she has kidney stones her mum was there to help for 3 weeks! We went round to take the kids out for a few hours. I had gallstones and I got 3 days then had to get on with it. People just don’t seem to realise that I AM ON MY OWN! I have a wonderful father to the children and I appreciate that no end, it’s just so lonely having no one else. I have plenty of friends but I can’t ask them to help when I’m ill, it’s not fair on them.

DH is great but he is free. He can do as he pleases. If he has things to do at the weekend he can just do it. I can’t because i “sit on my arse all week”. Yes, I am frequently asked “what have you even done all day?”!! I don’t know, I feel like walking out. I’m failing as a wife and mother and there no let up. I need help. I’ve been in touch with local charities and organisations in the hope that someone somewhere might have an answer, but they are all for single parents or parents on benefits, which I am neither. Even that seems silly, I’m in a fortunate position!

I gave up my career to be a mum and in many many ways I am so glad that I did. But I now can’t get a job because it has been so long, I have no relevant qualifications (what I did was quite specialised and not really transferable - backed myself into a corner). I just see no light at the end of the tunnel, or even voices of support. I find myself wishing that I had some sort of terminal illness just so that I can get out of here. But I can’t die because there is no one else to have the children.

Oh I should shut up now! One day they’ll be grown up and I’ll miss this stage. So I’m told. One day I’ll be able to breathe again.

If he asks what you've done all day, or said you're sitting on your arse when you're home with a 2 year old full time, then your DH is not that great (or at minimum, he's not very empathetic). Maybe you need to head away for a weekend, get a bit of a break, and see whether he still wonders what you do all day when you get home 😊

As for the rest - I've had a similar age gap and been home full time with no family, it's hard but also about attitude. Something that helped me was making sure I did something for me every day - maybe just calling a friend while the youngest napped, or did a short exercise video while he played around me, or went out to a cafe and grabbed a nice coffee while he had a babyccino and did some colouring in. Instead of cleaning or cooking while he was asleep, I'd do more while home with him - it took longer and he enjoyed it and learned how to help, and it meant I could get more life admin done during the day / dock around on mumsnet 😉 Also good to cultivate local friends, they can keep you sane and also give you a support network if you're sick. Really though, you also need to get some support from your DH at weekends! Or if he won't, would your finances stretch to a couple of hours of toddler playgroup one mornings a week? My DH used to take my boys out somewhere for a couple of hours every Saturday afternoon and that time alone really resets your sanity...

And just reread and saw the end... fantasising about death is a sign that maybe you need some more support. Have you frankly told DH how you feel? Or if you can't, could you tell anyone else? Or maybe speak to your gp and arrange time to talk to someone. You need to keep yourself healthy for yourself, as well as your children. and hugs

I am a sahm with 2ds under 4. The closest family member is a 90minute drive away. However, my dh is actually a wonderful husband and father. As he walks in the door I give him some time to sort himself out but if he sees me struggling he'll take over. Invariably he loves it when the kids run up to him shouting Daddy. Then dinner is served and he plays with the kids for the rest of the evening. He helps wash up, baths, nappies, everything. At weekends or evenings i can go and do my hobbies. He does his for a comparable time and we try to do something together.
You have a dh problem really.

Hi, I'm so sorry you feel this way and hope things really improve for you soon. I'm sorry I can't help that much but hope it helps to know that you're not alone. And remember this phase will pass; your youngest dc will be in nursery soon and think how well you've done. You can look at the beautiful children and think 'I've done that.' You should be so proud of yourself.

I'm on maternity leave at the moment with a 9 month old. I've been struggling as well with the monotony of it all. Being at home all day with no support can certainly take its toll. It can be easy to lose yourself in it all and forget who you are. You're allowed interests and time to yourself and don't let anybody make you feel otherwise. Go easy on yourself as you sound like an amazing Mum and you have two little ones so that's going to be challenging in itself. I get extremely envious of grandparents and large extended families with loads of help on hand too. As you say some of those with all of this help don't realise how lucky they are. People whose grandparents can baby sit and give the parents a small break must be immensely helpful. The village comment you made is the same quote I've been using myself and it gets me angry at times that I haven't had/got that. However I've come to slowly accept this is our situation and have decided to make the best of what I do have rather than focusing on what I don't. I'm grateful to have DH for example and not be a single Mother. I guess there always people in better situations than us but also people in worse ones aswell (not that that helps when we're feeling abit low.)

I don't agree with your DH not doing his fair share on the weekend. Looking after children is a full time job in itself. Could your husband watch the children for a couple hours on a Saturday maybe so that you couldmeet with a friend for a coffee? We all need a little time to ourselves and it does us the world of good; I hope your dh will see that. I think if you got a little time out it would be helpful. When things get on top of us it's easy for situations to feel ten times worse. Alittle breathing room may be all you need.

Hope you feel better soon..

Agree you have a major DH problem. My mother and MIL are both dead and my father lives overseas. FIL lives nearby but is useless, in fact we actually care for him in many ways.

It is tough to see grandparents at the school gates because I miss my mum so much, and I know she would have loved to pick my DCs up from school, but she never got the chance. My MIL was a lovely GM too, and it’s such a loss for my DCs that they are both gone. My children have no GPs that dote on them or babysit or even show much interest in them. I’m so sad and angry that it’s woeked out this way.

BUT... you can’t worry about what other people have. You need to deal with your situation, and that is a major wake up call for your DH. He should not be “free” on weekends/evenings— you should BOTH give each other some down time and spend time as a family. And how dare he question how you are spending your days?? He sounds pretty awful TBH, or maybe he really just doesn’t understand. But really, he is your problem. You should feel like he is supporting you just as much as you support him. Raising children is a team effort, and it’s a bloody hard job! It sounds like you are doing the best you possibly can and you should be proud of that, but he needs to step up.

Oh, and ”household jobs” do not entitle your DH to bugger off on weekends, unless you’ve both agreed that it’s urgent and needs to be done. I’ve bolded it (or tried to) because I hear of SO many men who simply decide to do non-essential work in the garden or small house repairs, just because they need some time alone or whatever. Unless you can and do have the same option to disappear, your DH isn’t entitled to either. It’s completely transparent and utterly disrespectful.

TL;DR — Lots of people have no extended family support, and yes it sucks but it is what it is. Your DH is really the problem here so start with a LONG talk with him. Good luck.

Runningoutofusernames I like your saying 'life admin.' May use that myself when DH asks me what I'm doing on my phone!

I’m in the US (all family in UK) and currently have a 2.5 year old and a new baby. At the moment we have family visiting so I’m making the most of the help, but I’ll be on my own soon and know it’ll be hard.

Your DH has to step up and take his turn at the weekend. Take both kids out for a few hours and maybe one on one with one of them for a bit. And then you give him a few hours of me time too. Obviously sometimes jobs need doing, but not every single weekend. Make time for yourself. The gym, or a bath, or lounging with a cuppa, or meeting friends.

What also helps me is friends in a similar situation. We do each other favours of looking after the kids for an hour or so and hang out together. The main thing that maintains my sanity though is nursery 2 mornings a week for my toddler.

We live overseas with no family within a 9 hour flight and my dh travels 60-70% of the time for his work. When our kids were tiny, we were in Asia, even further away. I found a great sitter for emergencies / appointments / occasional nights out and dropped my standards. Also found that a child shared is a child halved - inviting other mums and kids round made time pass faster, gave me some adult company and my kids someone else to play with. Mine are older now, both at school and I'm back to work full time but dh still travels as much and we still have no support network except a babysitter but it works.

Do you have friends in the same boat? Do you get out much without the kids (use a sitter?) What can you do for yourself, even if it's an evening yoga class / swim / glass of wine with a friend while your dh takes care of the kids?

Your DH really doesn’t sound very supportive. Have you talked to him about how you’re feeling? Particularly what you say at the end of your post. You need some respite, and it sounds like he’s the one who needs to give it to you.

Why don't you take yourself off for the day on a weekend and leave your apparently amazing Dh to it? If he is such a good Dad he should be able to do whatever he thinks you should be doing.

I do have an amazing Dh who realised he was on Dad duty the second he walked through the door. He knew that any work talk was to be had when the children were in bed, I have the same age gap in my children as you do.

He played with them, interacted with them and I got some space to wee in peace we bathed the children together and put them to bed together.

Then he would make me a cup of tea, he still does. We don't bath the children anymore (they are 14 and 11) but he is still fully plugged in with the children's lives, we play games, watch tv as a family after sitting down to dinner as a family.

It is about mindset, accept that you are doing your best with what you have in the day time, but when your Dh walks through that door he needs to be there mentally too. He is choosing to do the stuff he is doing because you are enabling him.

Somehow the whole "child care" thing has become your thing, day and night. My Dh never saw it that way, he is a parent too. Talk to your Dh about what he needs to do. Do NOT use the word "help" because again that implies it is your job.

I would find it much harder if I hadn’t made lots of friends in the area and dh wasn’t supportive.
If my dh ever asks what I’ve been doing today, he’s actually asking me ‘did you do any thing fun and interesting?’
He also has the kids by himself so I go out a lot. I go out in the evenings and weekends. (He gets lots of time to himself too).
You need time with friends and time to do things by yourself. When your life is only about the children, it can affect the way you feel about yourself.
Can you join and exercise class or do something active for yourself?
Can you do any courses? Just for yourself. There are loads of free ones online by the open university and US colleges.
Do you have friends you can meet?

I know how you feel and you are definitely not alone in feeling this way.
Who is saying 'you've been sat on your arse all day'? Comments like this are not on.

Leave your DH with your DDs for the day and then see how much sitting on his arse he does. Tell him you need a morning off every weekend as your job is now looking after home & kids with no pay or holidays.

If he says its not a job remind him that if you weren't there he'd have to employ someone else to do it (at vast expense).

He is not being supportive and you need a break.

I think you need to stop comparing your life to this with involved families.

I'm a single parent on the other side of the world to all of my family, I have made some great friends who help out when needed, I find the best thing is to get to know your neighbours especially those with kids so you can pop over for a tea and chat while the kids play, invite friends over, offer to look after their kids, they will then offer in return. It doesn't all have to be about you actual family.

I work full time with a 5 yo so it's pretty exhausting, if I don't get to the shops at lunchtime I don't get there so god forbid I run out of kids neurofen and we have growing pains at night.

You have a DH at home in the evenings and that means you can go for a walk or to see a friend if you want to, that's a wonderful thing to be able to do and you seem to be ignoring it.

It sounds as though you would benefit from some regular me time, trust your DH to put the kids to bed without you occasionally (or regularly once a week) you will feel like a new woman!

Dear God! If my dh asked me "what have you even done all day?" or said that I "sit on my arse all week" I would be walking out the door immediately and leaving my dc to him to look after single-handed for a week! That is rude and disrespectful and I wouldn't tolerate it. You being there for the dc is helping him to succeed in his job.

Tbh, although I totally "get" the feeling alone without support thing I think (if you don't mind me being blunt) that this is more of a twunt of a dh problem (if I may say so) rather than a SAHM with no support problem (well, the latter can be changed and turned around but can your primary relationship?).

I only have one child but live abroad, my parents were elderly when dd was little, they are now deceased, and my dh travels frequently and works all hours God sends, and although he is great in many ways, he is often preoccupied or attached to a computer when at home so I know where you are coming from op. All of that you can manage though if your dh is worth it! If he isn't, then it is just demoralising and miserable.

I found it really really hard when dd was little. I struggled with the foreign languages, I struggled living in a new country, I struggled having given up my career and for most of dd's infancy from babyhood to about 6 yrs, my dh was away most of the time travelling for business in Eastern Europe. He still travels now but it is only for a few days a week rather than the entire week ifyswim.

My saving was a network of friends in the same position when my dd started going to school who have remained friends ever since (even though many of them are now scattered in different bits of the world). I was lucky too that dd went to a fabulously supportive primary school which embraced you as part of the community.

DayKay and others on here speak a lot of sense - parenting small children is isolating at the best of times - go out and seek some interests yourself. Don't ask permission just do it!

I don't understand why your dh can just go off freely at weekends and you can't? Surely you should be equally free at weekends? If anything, he should be the one sharing the majority of the load on Sat and Sun if you are with the dc all week.

I'm not usually one to say LTB but in your shoes, I would be revisiting your relationship with your dh. If he is not appreciative or supportive of you being at home and it doesn't feel like a team effort, then what is the point?

I'm a sahm to 3 children and absolutely zero help, it's tough.

Have a look into Homestart in your area. Your health visitor should be able to refer you if you feel it would be helpful. Your DH could do with pulling his weight too by the sounds of it!

He does things around the house? I need to wait years for that or add it to my ever growing list...