End of my tether with 7 year old wetting himself

[Wellhellothere1]

Hi. I'm hoping someone can help with some advice on how I can deal with this. My 7 year old DS has had a problem with wetting himself for years and I just don't know what to do now. He goes for weeks and months with no accidents at all but then he goes through phases of wetting himself on a daily basis (sometimes multiple times) and this lasts for a few weeks. This current phase has lasted now for about 4 weeks and I could cry with frustration. My parental instincts tell me it's not a medical issue as it doesn't happen all the time. I think it's behavioural-he's having too good a time to stop what he's doing and go to the toilet.
I've tried everything to deal with this-
Saying nothing and quietly help him get changed. Didn't work
Giving him an incentive to stay dry-play date/day trip with friends. Didn't work
Make him put his clothes in the washing machine and go upstairs to get changed. Doesn't work
I called the ERIC helpline and they were a great help and advised me to help him increase his fluid intake. Doesn't work.
I've dipped his urine and there's no infection. He's usually dry in bed and only has a couple of accidents a year.
Tonight when he came home from school his pants were soaking wet, he smelled of urine and he has a rash in between his legs.
I said tonight he had a few days to try and help himself. If he doesn't he will be grounded which is his worst fear! I've never grounded him before but I can't believe he's 7 and still regularly wetting himself so I feel I need to try something drastic. I don't want him to be picked on at school because of this. Plus I need to turn down playdates after school as I don't know if he'll be wet or dry when his friends' mums pick him up. Has anyone else gone through this and have any words of wisdom?

Hopefully, your DS will just grow out of it.
I have told mine that as he gets older it's far less acceptable socially to wet oneself, and he does understand that people would be shocked to find he was wetting himself in Y4. We've never shamed him for it, or made him feel 'dirty' though, I don't think that's the right approach at all. But i desperately don't want him to be made fun of (he's already rather quirky...) or shunned if people found out.

My friend had success with a watch that had a buzz alarm on it for daytime incontinence. Every time the alarm goes off, her child goes to the loo (every two hours). I would also let his teacher know.

Have you been in touch with the school nursing service? I did that for enuresis and they were really helpful - they also suggested setting an alarm to go to the loo every 2 hours (it regulates urine production) and then when that didn't work, eventually we went to the GP, got some desmopressin and within six months, he was off it. Really painless.

My daughter has hypermobility and had a problem with delayed recognition that she needed to go and then not being able to get to the toilet in time. She's grown out of the problem now although very occasionally we will have an accident - generally when she's not well.

We were told she'd grow out of it and not to make a big deal of it. We let the teachers know that she needed very firm prompting to try to go even if she didn't need to. If she was busy/concentrating or very focused on what she was doing then she would miss the cues and wet herself.

She got stroppy about trying when she didn't think she needed to go. We had to very forcefully told her to go and try especially if her diary showed she'd not been for ages. Often she'd pee so she did need to go but had no idea she needed to..

Don't restrict fluid intake - you don't want him dehydrated.

It's no longer a problem. I bought special pants online rather than having pull-ups.

haba my DS is exactly the same. He can be hopping about and displays erratic behaviour and can't concentrate on what he is doing he is sooo bursting for the loo but then denies it. I sometimes have to almost frogmarch him into the toilet to make him go. I think I might need to speak to his teacher too. I have tried to tell him to go at break time and lunch time but it's just going in one ear and out the other! His teacher seems nice but she is very loud and I don't really trust her to be discreet about maybe prompting him to go to the toilet. I think he would be so embarrassed in front of his class mates if she mentioned anything within earshot of them.
You mentioned sanctions for wetting himself works. Others have suggested not doing this but I feel this might be the only deterrent that may work. Currently he had no incentive to keep dry. He doesn't care if he is wet!

Maybe the school nurse is a good shout. Thanks. She covers lots of schools though and I've no idea where she is based but I'll check that out.

We had to do something because he can control it, and he's almost 9!
It's purely down to " don't want to go to the loo", nothing physical.

Though I do recognise that a great deal of his stubbornness is linked to his asd.

Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone. I feel a bit more positive now.

I had a similar problem with my ds and another mumsnetter recommended the book “constipation, withholding and your child”. It was hugely helpful in giving us strategies for dealing with the situation which ds grew out of. He was prescribed movicol to keep his stools soft so he would be less inclined to withhold stools, which helped with the wetting, which when it occurred was down to withholding.

We didn’t have sanctions but when ds was wet he was responsible for putting his own clothes in the wash, then taking a shower and getting changed. This meant there was a 30-minute consequence for wetting or soiling, which acted as a deterrent.

We decided that if he refused to go, because he didn't want to stop playing, putting away that toy was actually quite a good incentive to go. The suggestion of putting it away was enough to make him go to the loo after the first time.

Would it help if he was just reminded every so often to go?
My child has quite severe SN, so a bit different, but we've had success by just regular timing. So rocketing
Before setting off to school
When getting to school
Break times/lunchtime
Before coming home
When home
After dinner
Etc
Just so it's regular?
Sorry if this is off mark :(

Rocketing is supposed to say toileting!

Rocketing probably more effective
We tell him to go about 300,000 times a day...

Hi owl I actually think reminding him to go is counter intuitive. When I remind him he just says he doesn't need the loo and refuses to go. I don't know what the issue is. I'm taking him to the GP again next Friday so perhaps the thought of this might be enough to make him go to the toilet!

I think you're taking the wrong approach with threatening him with grounding.

My 6yo DD had a similar / much worse problem with daytime wetting. We seem finally to have conquered it in the last few months. All through reception she wet herself every day (often twice a day or more) at school and Year 1 wasn't much better.

It seems to have been a combination of things but the root cause was probably low-level constipation over a long period of time when she was a toddler, which caused her brain to block out the full-bladder sensation (because bladder and bowel are very close together and constipation meant the bowel always felt full-isa).

Anyway, it took years, and hard work to sort this out. It is really frustrating as the adult, but all the professional advice I had was that kindness and calmness are really important.

What really kickstarted the cure was seeing a private paediatric urologist (I got a referral from GP). DD was only 4, so NHS wouldn't help, but perhaps they would refer on the NHS for a 7yo. You can look up the NICE guidelines which say clearly that daytime wetting problems should be referred. Taking them with you to the GP is a good idea (I have done this with other conditions to ensure referral).

After a long course of Movicol to clear the constipation, DD had a course of something called 'biofeedback' treatment, which reinstates the link between brain and bladder. It worked well, but after a few months, the wetting started again, so we went back for a few refresher sessions. After those, when she had another relapse, we bought a bedwetting alarm, which clips to her pants and goes off at the first drop of urine. She wore that around the house during the day, and it helped to reinforce the biofeedback treatment.

Now, age 6, she has been dry in the daytime for several months and has had no accidents at all at school so far in Y2 (which feels miraculous and wonderful!)

If you are in the North and want a recommendation re: the biofeedback, you can PM me. You could also google it. You have to be committed to following all the attendant recommendations about quantity and timing of drinks, position on the toilet while wee-ing etc. etc. It is not an instant cure, but it absolutely worked for us. It's not cheap (cost about £2k altogether, including consultant appointments) but for us was well worth it - we did it instead of a holiday, and frankly not having to deal with constant wee accidents any more is better than any one-off holiday!!

We had this.

A ‘wobl’ watch From amazon fixed it. Has 8 buzzing reminders. After a few stinky days I asked him if he’d give it a go and he agreed. So he goes to the loo when it buzzes. I set it for playtimes and lunch times.

It made a massive difference in a week. But DS wanted to use it. I didn’t impose it on him.

How do you know it isn't medical? It could be a recurring UTI for example.

I'll check out the wobi watch thanks but I have a feeling even if he wears it he would ignore the alarm and continue playing.
Thanks strange that's all very helpful. I actually think the source of his problems are insufficient fluid intake. I can't get him to drink a decent amount of fluids in the day and I know this helps with the signals of needing to pass urine. I would hope the GP would refer us on the NHS as he is now 7 but I'll wait and see what he says next Friday when we go. What's really strange is he can go months and months being dry and then stays wetting himself for a few weeks then stops again.
Ttbb I'm at the stage now reading all the replies here that I don't know if it's behavioural or medical. Re a recurring UTI he has no symptoms and every time his urine is checked it's clear (i have multistix for urinalysis at home and the GP checks each time we take him)

The urologist told us that there isn't a clear line between 'medical' and 'behavioural' as physiology is a big influence on behaviour.

That does sound odd about him being fine for ages and then starting up again. With DD it was constant.

Unless it's to do with recurring low-level constipation possibly? The charity ERIC (for childhood continence issues) have a really good website resource about this, that might be worth reading if you haven't already. They also have a telephone helpline.

strange I called ERIC before and they were brilliant. She explained all about upping fluid intake and I really try this but God it's exhausting and I'm so fed up with it all.
I'll have another look at their website tonight (at work just now )

Is he bothered tho? If he is embarrassed the watch will help. If he doesn’t really care then it will be harder.

Even if DS doesn’t wee the 8 times it buzzes at least it reminds him that he could go to the loo.

Japanese no I don't think he's bothered and I think if I get him the watch it might work for a day or two then he'll just ignore it. He was wet again today after school and I think part of the problem is he is scared to ask his teacher to get out to the loo. I could see she would be scary for a young kid. She's really tall, loud and strict and he's never had a teacher like that before. When I suggested I speak to her to discuss he was horrified, burst into tears and said it would be so humiliating. I felt awful for him.

Oh, your poor DS. Our school were brilliant with DD - really kind and helpful which made all the difference.

I think you're probably right about fluid intake. It is hard though, because it obviously makes them need to go more, which they don't want to do!

Does it happen at home or just at school? If at home as well, then I'd suggest getting one of the clip on bedwetting alarms and wearing it in the daytime at home - it alerts at the first drop of urine and then you rush in and encourage them to 'squeeze' and run to the loo. It really helped DD to stop ignoring the sensation of 'letting go' and go to the loo first!

p.s. I totally sympathise with your feeling of frustration. We had years of this and it really ground me down. But DD seems to be cured (and even if she has a relapse I'm confident now we can get back to success) - and I am sure your DS can be too, especially if it's an intermittent problem rather than a constant one.

Hi strange Thanks again. It happens both at school and at home and we've got one of the bedwetting alarms which worked brilliantly a few years ago to help with night time wetting. However there's no way he would put this on at home during the day now. He would be horrified at the suggestion and I feel it would turn into a battle to get him to wear it which would increase the sense of shame we both feel! I just don't have the energy to try and cajole him into wearing it though I see it might help. He's also wet the bed at night for the last two nights (after me saying he never wets the bed now!) and I'm in the process of quietly suggesting he wears the monitor at night again. I just feel I'm on at him all the time.