Too mean??

[laura6032]

So my ds 4, is still rolling about the flour after I asked him to tidy up some craft things about 15 mins ago. He asked me to help, I said no, it's only a couple stickers and beads.
Enter the dragon, he gets so upset, wants me to help its too hard, I say it's only a couple of things just pit them by. Then he gets more upset, I see this as one of those 'if I help him now he'll think all he has to do is moan and cry in future if he wants something' moments. Then he gets angry and bashes his buzz lightyear and the head falls off - fucking only a £50 toy, breathe!!

Well he's still rolling about mummy I need your help, now crying.
Was I too mean or right to make a point??

That's floor BTW not flour lol

My dd is 3 and if she gets it our she puts it back so no I don't think you're mean.

Does your ds do basic things to help like put shoes on the shoe rack and wipe table before dinner?

My dd doesn't have set chores but there's an expectation that she will pitch in like me and her dad have to for example she will help collect laundry on laundry day.

Good, glad you don't think it's not mean. Thank you x
Yeah he sets table, clears his plates, has to put shoes and jackets away, and helps with tidying.
He's still rolling about now, but he's now tidying it at snails pace. Mad about that buzz lightyear though :(

I would have probably said “come on let’s do it together” but let him do the bulk of it. As long as he is helping that would be enough for me at 4. It falls into the “pick your battles”

Yeah I thought about that thank you x but because it was about 4 items I thought, on you go, he's still rolling about, then it's basically turned into a battle of wills, and I'm definitely not giving in now, that's bloody terrible lol

I would have helped the first time he asked and then it wouldn’t have become this massive battle of the wills.

I am afraid I am of the "clearly you are too tired to do anything so its off to bed" Category - take by hand and deliver to bedroom. Can't be doing with tantrums

Unfortunately once you've entered into one of these stand offs the only thing to do is stand your ground!

That said he'll be escalating it because it's that crappy time of day - tired, hungry and unreasonable. Four is such a horrible time for this too.

Combo this - First don't give him an audience/emotional engagement. Second break it into manageable parts for him without actually physically helping. Walk out, say "I'm going to start tea and when I get back I wonder if you will have done ten of those beads" (If he can't count v well go with colours or whatever) Come back 1-2 mins later and comment:

If he's done it: Oh well done, it won't take long now, I bet you can't do 15 more! (Repeat) if he finishes using this method then praise and thank him for cleaning up by himself. Ignore the fact it took him 11 hours and a tantrum.

If he hasn't done it: Oh dear, well I'm sure you can manage it DS, I'm going to put these things in the dishwasher now (Continue doing jobs with the intention to convey that you have absolutely zero investment in whether he does the cleaning up or not.)

If he asks for something else like TV or you finish making dinner before he manages to tidy up (the poor child ) just say matter of factly "As soon as you've tidied up those beads" or "Hurry up and finish that tidying now before your dinner gets cold" in other words - he doesn't get to move on from this activity to anything else until he's tidied it up, it's not that difficult, and won't take him very long.

If he expresses upset about the toy being broken, express sympathy but also say hmm, that was a bit silly to bash Buzz on the floor, wasn't it? Now the head is broken. I'll see if I can fix it but I don't know. - It may be simple enough to fix and you can make the point that next time he might not be so lucky and he should think carefully before bashing things about. If it is permanently damaged, perhaps he'll realise that breaking his own toys isn't a very good idea!

Trust me - you're not helping them in the long run if they don't do their bit. Best to start early.

Haggis- the op says it was about 4 items, a child should be able to pick those up with out prolonged or in fact any drama or help I image ops ds got them out just fine, this is more of a I don't want too therefore I'm going to roll around on the floor I think from the post I wouldn't help either.

Ha only four Then yes adjust my numbers down - but no not unreasonable not to help, and I would normally say it's better to avoid getting into a battle, yes, but over four things you can handle it in another way without giving in too.

Main thing is just to act like you are utterly unbothered but also stay firm and kind about not letting him move on because he hasn't finished the previous activity. When he does eventually do it praise + thank you because then he'll remember that part. Whereas if you drag out discipline over the tantrum part it will be pointless as he'll be too knackered to register.

If you let him know his behaviour is stressing you out he'll continue because he's getting a reaction.

Once you've entered a 'stand off' then you are right not to give in t tantrumming of course, but a this time of day they are tired and grumpy and as others have said, it would have made sense to say "Come on, let's pop these things away before tea.. I'll get the beads can you get the stickers" and not created the situation in the first place.
Pick the battles as they say.

Great advice guys, thank you.
Drama is over, all tidy. All by himself. With a smile, oh look mummy. And he's very sorry. Praise for putting them away, sympathy for buzz, bloody kids, all over like 3 stickers and a bead.

As pp said, he just did not want to do it. Now it's done, and he's down a favourite toy, lesson learned??? Doubt it lol x