Normal to feel incredibly guilty towards toddler for being pregnant?

[WhyTheHeckMe]

Ahh, why can't I just be happy. I have a ds who's nearly 2 and a very very lovely happy little boy who goes to nursery while we work and is very easy going. Every second were with him we give him our everything. We desperately wanted a second child, and after a miscarriage i fell pregnant again and am now 20 weeks but I cannot shake this overwhelming sense of guilt towards ds.
I ofte cry when I look at him because I feel bad that soon he will feel like he's no longer the most important thing in our lives. He sleeps so well and I keep wondering how he'll cope with a baby crying through the night.
I'm so grateful to be pregnant but just wish I could understand why I am feeling like this? It's almost making me resentful towards my poor unborn baby (not found out the sex).
I asked my mum if she felt like this when she was pregnant with me and she said no and I don't feel like I can admit to anyone else how I feel.
I plan of breastfeeding again which is already putting me under pressure that I know I'll probably be spending half my time sat with baby nursing, meaning ds will feel even more pushed out.
Someone tell me these feelings get better / tell me what the heck I need to do / give me a massive virtual slap???

No, this is not normal at all. Please make an appointment with your GP. Urgently.

I didn’t feel quite as strong guilt as this when pregnant with my second, but definitely to some extent. And I know people who were absolutely devastated for their first child. I think it is perfectly normal, but all your concerns will fade when you see them together. The bond between me and DC1 became much more special when DC2 was born, and I made sure to spend some time totally focusing on her when the baby was asleep/DH was home, and she has totally thrived having a sibling.

I felt guilty I worried about the close bond I had with dc1 and that I wouldn't love dc2 as much- but none of that was true when I gave birth and dc1 came to see the baby it just all clicked

I felt exactly the same-you're not alone!

DD1 is now 7, DD2 3, and there were some pretty hairy moments early on and my guilt-for, in my hormone addled brain, failing both of them -was cosmically huge, now I see them interacting and having private games and jokes, DD1 reading to DD2 and basically building a sibling relationship, and I do feel that they're both a wonderful gift to each other (even if they do spend 75% of the time fighting like cat and dog....)

I think it must be normal-DS1 is your world, it makes complete sense that you would feel guilty in disrupting that relationship with a sibling, but I promise it does pass, and it will work out.

I didn't feel this because I was an only one and didn't want my DD to be. But I did have other illogical worries and fears so try not to worry too much about feeling like this. It just shows you are sensitive and thinking of your DC which is a good thing IMHO. But if the worry gets overwhelming do see your GP about it.

I felt very much like this just over 6 years ago. My 2nd DD was born when my eldest was 2 years and 4 months. I would cry and feel guilty especially leading up to the due date. My eldest was in no way interested in babies nor had any interest in having a baby around. However, I was desperate for DD1 not to be an only child.

My eldest is a lovely little girl who was very happy to sit and watch cbeebies whilst I breastfed my youngest, she enjoyed my maternity leave spending some really lovely days with me and our youngest. You will be amazed how your heart will grow with more love and the guilt you feel will dissipate within a few months.

Now our girls are 6 & 8, they are very close sisters but also very independent characters. I am so happy that I gave them each other and hope that they remain close.

It is a mothers burden to feel guilt at all times, you are giving your eldest and youngest a truly special gift.

I felt like that too, I was so worried about how my 2yo DS would react to the new baby. I didn't want to disrupt his world and I love him so much I didn't want to upset him and make him feel pushed out... it ruined my pregnancy tbh as I was dreading baby's arrival (although I always wanted two children!)

Well DD is now 7 months and DS (now 3) adores her! I am still breastfeeding and he accepts that - in the early days he'd try to sit on my lap while I was feeding so I tended to do the rugby ball hold with DD on the sofa next to me and DS sat on my lap! You can make it work.

DD "bought" DS a new toy I knew he'd love and gave it to him in hospital and we read lots of "becoming a big brother" books so he'd know what to expect.

But honestly I felt just like you and was dreading baby 2's arrival and I really didn't need to. He is so protective of her and glad to have a baby sister

I explained that babies cry lots but it's just their way of talking, and only once in seven months has her nighttime crying woken him.

Fully expect things to all change once she starts crawling and grabbing his toys but for now they are definitely each other's favourite people and they laugh together all the time.

It's probably partly pregnancy hormones and fear of the unknown. Do tell your midwife how you feel - mine was very reassuring.

All the best

Thank you so much everyone. You have no idea how much this has helped tonight. It's awful feeling like a horrid person and obviously when I was pregnant with ds I never felt like this so it's a totally new one.

@name and @trying your posts bought a tear to my eye! Thanks so much to you all for sharing your experiences.

I will mention to my midwife and try and enjoy this as much as I can x

Please speak to your midwife OP. No it's not normal.

I have a 3 month old and a 2 1/2 year old and I EBF so I get your feeling about LO being left out. That was my biggest worry when pregnant with DS2, and I thought he would get naughty and nasty. He's absloutley not and is not in the slightest bit jealous, which I thought he would because I was like you, did everything for him.

Make sure you let your DC help you. Like getting you nappys, or wiping bum, or helping you with the washing. Little things like this makes LO think they're helping and getting involved. It really does work a treat, and you're getting jobs fine too lol!
You'll do fine OP and hope you're ok! Definitley speak to the midwife.

Good luck!

I think it is normal to be looking forward to the expansion of your family. The people here telling you it is normal to feel guilt towards your pfb are wrong.

Just try to remember that by giving your DC a sibling, you are giving them an amazing gift. Yes, there will be times when you can't give your older child the attention you might have done before. But you are bringing a whole new person into their lives, and the benefits they will get from that more than outweigh a few hiccups as you adjust to life as a family of four.

Please ignore the posters who are telling you it’s not normal. That’s great for them that they didn’t experience the guilt, many do including myself!

ArsenalWatford

It is most definitely NOT normal to be feeling "incredibly guilty" as the op does! Have you actually read the op? Are you a qualified mental health professional?

She is often crying when she looks at her toddler and feeling almost resentful towards her unborn child.

Don't shush shush pat pat her!

So I wrote a big long post about how I knew exactly what you mean and felt the same and also how I felt after the birth. And then I thought it wouldn't help to know my negative experience.

I'm not going to lie, it was hard. The relationship dynamic with my toddler changed so much and I honestly grieved for the relationship lost. But it got better. They are nearly 1 and 3.5 now and are best friends. They play together, they love each other over anyone else. Their bond is so special it's just beautiful to watch.

But I do still miss the special bond I had with my first. Maybe I'm a bad mum because i didn't keep that. Don't get me wrong, I love her fiercely and she is still my beautiful precious girl. But it has changed from that all consuming adulation. Which is probably healthier.

But I still miss it. And I think it's normal.

Good luck op. A sibling is such a wonderful thing. My siblings and I fought so much when we were young but now we are adults, we are so so closer.