Coping with two

[Missingmybed]

Hi ladies,

I just wanted to ask if anyone could share some stories of overcoming struggles with coping with having two young children.

My DS is 2.5 and my DD is 5 months old and I'm on my knees with exhaustion.

It's been a rollercoaster of a year with a difficult pregnancy and birth with my DD (the outcome of an unplanned pregnancy), moving house and still caring for my tantrum prone toddler.

I'm trying my best to stay upbeat but I feel as though I work all day just to try to keep some assemblence of order at home. My DH works long hours and often isn't back until DS is tucked up in bed. Plus my DD screams every evening with terrible colic.

I'm lucky that my family and DH's family help as much as they can but ultimately most of the work falls on me and I feel as though I've just lost myself a little.

I feel ashamed that I feel this as I had fertility problems to get my DS and once upon a time I would have given anything to have this but I can't help it.

Can anyone tell me if there's light at the end of this tunnel? Or do I just need to adjust to a new life that will always be hard?

Honest answers appreciated! X

It is hard. It will get better - in some ways. I think the baby and toddler combo is quite deadly as you are so busy with them all day long and have 'nothing to show for it' at the end of the day; just stuff like feeding them or dealing with the tantrums takes up an awful lot of time!
Mine are older now - 8, 6 and nearly 4 - so whilst I feel I've come out on the other side in many ways, it's still hard as I'm newly divorced and struggle to find enough hours in the day for work, household, shopping, engaging with my children and everything else! No family nearby and very little support from XH (he rarely ever has them over so they're with me 95% of the time).

My goodness. There is me moaning when that sounds very difficult. You are an incredible lady and your DC are lucky to have a mum who is so committed. Shame on your XH for not doing his fair share. The men get off lightly far too often... Hugs xxx

I have toddler who turned three last Tuesday, a three month old with reflux and colic and no family other than my husband nearby. I feel like I achieve NOTHING each day, and the cumulative sleep deprivation is really starting to get to me. I wish I could say something positive but it's all just so relentless - just wanted you to know that you're not alone

Thanks Missing but don't feel like you can't moan! I do think the first year with a new baby always really grinds you down and it's so hard physically.
I'm actually quite happy as it is now; at least no one is giving me shit for "not doing enough" (XH never appreciated what I did in the house / with the DC).

Sane I think colic makes it tough. Hopefully when that phase ends we may at least both have less stress of an evening. Thanks for posting, I am glad I'm not alone.

Sansa, well he sounds horrid. Clearlt you are happier and more fulfilled with your own space back. Your DC will probably be happier without his negativity in their home life too.

XxX

There are 17 months between my dc and having a toddler and a newborn/baby under 1 was the hardest thing I've ever done. I can't even really remember how I coped.

I stayed in quite a lot because the baby needed feeding what felt like all the time and had reflux so kept sicking it back up and the toddler was a law unto himself - not naughty or anything, just into everything (he still is: if there's a button he has to press it. If there's a handle he has to pull it. Going out with him can still be a nightmare and he's a lovely, well behaved lad).

At about 6-7 months, when the baby was weaned (I did it the un-mumsnet way of spoonfeeding puree from a jar and she went from no food to 3+ meals a day within a month), her reflux disappeared, she was happier for longer and started napping properly during the day.

I think that it got easier when the youngest learned to walk and to play because she wasn't as frustrated as she was when laying on the floor rolling over and then getting trapped; also, she could move out of the way of my eldest, who used to zoom around the house at warp 9 no matter what he was doing or what/who was in the way.

Now they are 5&6 and are really close. They bicker and fall out and do my head in but they play together lovely and look out for each other, even at school despite being 2 yrs apart.

What I'm trying to say, in a really long winded and convoluted way, is that the early days are incredibly difficult and feel as though they'll never end but the tunnel isn't as long and dark as it seems.

Wow that sounds familiar Ihaveaplan. I'm so glad to hear things got better for you and that they are so close now.

I feel much brighter today. DS had a night at the in laws last night and DD slept through so I've had chance to recouperate a little at least.

Thanks for being kind and posting ladies xxxx

I have a 19 month age gap between my dc and tbh the first 6 months were a bit if a blur. My dd also screamed for ages in the early evening but I don't think it was colic but over tiredness. It was very hard as I had no outsiee help, no childcare and only really my sister to babysit very occasionally. I found 6 months was a real turning point, mainly because we started to give dd a proper bedtime (before 6 months she would generally just sleep in my arms throughout the evening until it went to bed), ds started 2 mornings a week at pre school and dd started to nap better so the evenings were less fraught.

I have a 2yr age gap. I found the first couple of months ok as DD2 was a very easy newborn, but then she decided she wasn't happy to chill/nap in the bouncer any more or sleep at night. She started screaming if I dared put her down even for a second. It was fairly tough until she turned 1yo TBH, but she's 17mo now and it's so much better (even allowing for DD1's current awful threenager stage). I survived by:

• Getting out as much as possible, ideally something that involved a lot of fresh air and exercise/walking for DD1. She is much better behaved if she's burnt off some energy. The days we were stuck in the house were hell on earth.
• Lowering my standards even further and taking short cuts. I love cooking and pre-DD2 couldn't imagine why anyone would buy pesto etc when it was soooo easy to make your own... 😂 I'm taking delivery of an additional freezer next weekend to support my new habits of frozen mash/veg/herbs/bread etc etc. We all have a ready meal once a week now (little dish for DCs). Oh, and I buy pesto!
• Hired a cleaner. 2.5hrs/wk. Enough to ensure we don't sink below 'biohazard'.
• Kept 1 day/week of DD1 at the childminder to give me some time alone with the baby and half a chance of a daytime nap.
• DH and I get a proper lie-in each at the weekend. It doesn't make up for just how shite the sleep deprivation still is was, but it helps.
• I would go to bed early, leaving DH on shift until 12/1am.
• We watched waaaaaay more cBeebies than Mumsnet would approve of.

DH also had to step up and take on some of the exhaustion. He works long hours, but does as much as he can when home. When DD2 arrived he took on dealing with DD1's still-frequent wakings.

Just do what you have to to get through it now, although I appreciate that's easier said than done. It's a lovely age gap IMO, and I love watching my two play together (and most importantly, entertain each other!) now.

Hi Op

I'm finding it really tough going. I knew I would struggle as I found my first hard work. I have a 7m and a just turned 3.

My oldest is generally fine but I am at my worse stage now with the smallest - crawls and climbing but really dangerous so can't move away from him.

Sleep dep is once again killing me. Constant headache, ill, look awful etc.

Never sit down lol.

Colic is awful and I feel for you on that. We had that and I survived by putting ear phones in whilst I tried to settle him. My music chilled me out - did this both times as colic is actual hell :(

As pps have said it gets better - I am clinging to this and I am viewing it as I am 7 months down! I have survived 7 months and I can get through it - I know it eases as my first improved after 1ish so this situation should.

Are you going back to work? I am going shortly and I think it will be a double edged sword for me - no sleep but adults!!

Take care, you are not alone! X

Wow it's only 6.15 - I have been up for hours! X