Please talk me down, I feel so disappointed with my five year old DS

[SleepFreeZone]

He has a tendency to scupper what should be fun times by really shitty behaviour. I've accepted this and try and work around him knowing that pressurised situations can be a trigger so I spend a lot of time trying to work out places to go that he'll enjoy and avoid a lot of things as I know they set him off.

Today was his birthday. We arranged to go somewhere I thought he'd enjoy with his 'best friend'. We spent a lot of money but my goodness his behaviour was atrocious. The activity was only 45 minutes but he whinged and cried and threw himself on the floor, complained, moaned and made the whole treat a miserable occasion. I was so cross we left after 30 mins and I just feel so sad about the whole thing.

I feel guilty as his little friend spent the 30 mins worrying about my son instead of enjoying himself. I feel guilty as the friend could have gone to another friend's birthday party today and I'm sure would have had a much better time. I feel guilty as we spent lots of family money that feels misspent now as no fun was had.

He was assessed over the summer for possible SEN and found to be neurotypical. But his SENCO did say recently that she thought some of his behaviour was leaning towards being slightly on the spectrum, so I'm trying not to be too hard in him. But I'm just so embarrassed and feel like an idiot. I want to cry and I've just eaten two packets of hula hoops even though I should be on a diet 🤦🏻‍♀️

That sounds very frustrating. Do you pre-prepare for outings? A day or so ahead tell him what will be happening, run through a timeline of the day.

Birthday events can be quite difficult for a lot of children with the heightened excitement, anxiety and expectation. Take this moment to reflect. It didn't work out so now you know that this sort of treat is too much for your child to cope with. Learn from mistakes as you go along and try not to be too hard on yourself or him.

I'm sorry you had a disappointing day. For what it's worth, I think lots of kids behave badly during "treats" or special events. The excitement can be too overwhelming and too much is different. If I were you, I would just accept that at the moment your dc finds those kinds of activities difficult and don't do them.

for you, I recommend washing down the hula hoops with some wine.

My DS can be a bit like this - he struggles if things don’t go as he’d like and can end up having a tantrum. He also doesn’t like pressure.

My advice is keep things really, really low key in future. I asked my DS how he’d like to celebrate his birthday and he chose just a family gathering at his grandparents’ house. Even though his school friends have had whole class parties. And don’t put pressure on yourself either, if you’ve spent a lot of money then you feel pressure to get your money’s worth.

Write it off as a bad experience and don’t beat yourself up about it.

IME often the birthday child is the one who seems to have the worst time and is the worst behaved! I have seen many children crying and playing up during their parties / days out. When asked later they often say they had a great time .

I agree with PPs. It has taken me a while to work this out but I think highly pressurised events where everyone should be having a great time often end in tears (usually mine ). If I am on edge due to embarrassment then this makes things worse as they sense that and behave even worse.

I’m not sure what the answer is but wine and crisps definitely help. Chalk it up to experience and maybe try something low key next time .

Thank you 😔

This was exactly the low key but fun activity that should have worked. No party as he gets overwhelmed with singing and throws himself on the floor. So I know a party would be a nightmare. So there was just four of us. Me and my friend,my son and her son. A McDonald's followed by 45 mins sledging at a local venue that has real snow.

I thought what could go wrong? Everything! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Sometimes whatever you do the excitement / pressure is too much .

Next year - take away Maccy Ds and his favourite film on DVD, wine for you

I would consider asking for a second opinion on the ASD assessment. Make sure you get a gold-standard behavioural assessment like the ADOS alongside giving a detailed developmental history. It might be nothing but this sounds a lot like undiagnosed ASD to me. Good luck x

Thanks fishface. The Paediatrician did say we could revisit the NT diagnosis at 6 if the school felt it was necessary but the school are happy with him currently. We are all tentative about how he'll cope in key stage 1 so I think if he starts falling behind then we will think again. He's school is brilliant so I know they would be all over it if the time comes.

*His

as pps have said I don’t think this is unusual. Special treats can be quite stressful for little ones and over excitement just gets the better of them. On my 40th birthday Dh had to carry my then 6yo out of the pub under one arm, his behaviour was so awful. And I am usually complimented on my children’s behaviour —in public anyway—

I think often children prefer something familiar for a birthday celebration, whereas as parents we want to offer them something new.

We are definitely just going to do soft play next year.

If SENCo can see enough to think a child is having any difficulties related to autism, it could well be that he is firmly on the autism spectrum but masking most of it at school.

What you have described sounds exactly like the behaviour of a child with ASD who was massively emotionally invested in enjoying the activity and totally unable to regulate the emotions that caused in him. If he is now criticised for losing control, it will make him feel even worse than he did before. Please treat this as him not being able to cope, not him being spoilt or badly behaved.

Lots of children have significant symptoms of autism and anxiety that they mask very, very well. It comes out as anxiety, controlling behaviour and meltdowns that can be interpreted as tantrums.

No re-assessment should ever be contingent on school staff thinking it is necessary. School staff are not qualified to diagnose autism and are often very ill-informed about the different possible presentations. They aren't trained to look for the right things. Also a high percentage of children with high functioning autism present as NT in school in every way and then fall to pieces when they get home.

I was told very firmly that my academically able DD2 was absolutely 100% NT at the age of 7 by her head teacher and she did not need any additional support in school. She was diagnosed a year later and is now in a specialist residential school for children with ASD.

Not quite the same but my DC’s behaviour was terrible when my parents visited (every few months). The over excitement and ‘specialness’ of it pushed everyone over the edge! Things have improved a bit since DH and I have realised that the excitement is just too much for them and taken steps to make things very boring and familiar each time. We haven’t cracked it by any means though .

Since he'll be 6 next year can he choose what he wants to do? My DS (10) has ASD and he chooses to do the same thing every year - dinner and a sleepover with one friend. I often try new things I think he'll like and he moans and says he is bored most of the time so I just leave it to him. He is the most negative child I've ever met!

Not saying your DS has ASD by the way! He may or may not. Sometimes it's not entirely apparent until they are older. DS was diagnosed at 8. Or your DS might just be a sensitive child!

Goldmandra he isn't an anxious child, he's a lazy wotsit who didn't want to climb the hill and so started stropping out all over the place. If he'd have been able to use the ski lift I think he'd have been fine. But instead he turned the whole thing into a whingefest where he would walk up the side, then he didn't want to slide down, then he purposely kept falling off the sledge by digging his heels in. Then he wanted water to drink etc etc.

At school he throws himself on the floor if he can't push to the front of a queue. He loves school, can't wait to go in, but if they want him to write his name and he doesn't want to he'll lay on the floor to protest.

His teacher calls him quirky and if she clicks her fingers apparently he laughs and jumps back up.

Anyway I'm open to an ASD diagnosis as it would make my life a hell of a lot easier. But I suspect I won't get it.

Titsy my son is also incredibly negative. He has a 'can't do' attitude when it comes to physical exertion or anything that he finds difficult. It's this that drives me bananas. I just want him to try.

I wondered about neuro divergence as well. He sounds very demand avoidant, have a look at PDA and see does that fit better?

We discovered that for our ASD boy, excitement and anxiety are the same thing.

Just wait until he's a teenager. You'll be disappointed in him every day.
Seriously though OP, I hope you're OK.

I'm sorry Sleep, it is very frustrating. I often forget how it has become my new normal though. DS is truly a lovely boy - funny and he is kind in his strange kind of way. I just find it so hard that he thinks almost everything is "boring" and wants to go home after about 2 hours into a day out. I'm the sort who loves to go out and see/do new things so I can't understand his mindset. It's hard. In the end we can only do our best and encourage them. But equally I try to be understanding when he has had enough. We just accept that sometimes we go home earlier than we want to. He has gotten better with age and tries more things now and wants to go out more. He still gets bored quickly but the willing is there!

Oh god yes the physical stuff! DS does have some motor skills issues but is perfectly able to walk, run (albeit clumsily) but if we try to get him out for a walk he moans most of the time.

He sounds very demand avoidant, have a look at PDA and see does that fit better?

I agree with this. PDA is on the Autism spectrum.