4 year old making “bad” friends

[SandysMam]

I feel like this is such a mumsnet cliche but my 4 year old started school in September and is as thick as thieves with the naughtiest boy in the class. I know the child is only 4 or 5 himself and his issues are not his fault, but he is violent and badly behaved and my son thinks he is the most interesting person in the world!
His parents are known around the area as troublemakers and the boy has a difficult family background (police, social services etc involved).
I just feel so lost, like this is the beginning of a life of trouble for my son and if he is friends with this boy, the school will write him off too.
Bit of background...my sister went seriously off the rails as a kid (and has stayed off the rails!) and it ruined our family and broke my mum’s heart. She died not long after we reached maturity after what I feel was a very stressful life caused by my sister. I feel like this is history repeating itself.

I feel like my son has changed so much since he started school and I don’t know how to keep him on the straight and narrow. I don’t feel I can say “don’t hang around with naughty boy” as this will only make him more interesting! Please help!

You can't say that no, but you can have high expectations of his own behaviour, the choices he makes and how he behaves are down to him. Don't be too quick to blame the friend or he'll quickly think he can get away with anything. Focus on his strengths, praise the good, encourage his good behaviour and work ethic and make it clear that it is him that who is responsible and will face school and home consequences if he is badly behaved.

The lovely thing about children is they don't judge their friends on their class or background, he just sees a fun friend. Maybe your son will be a great influence for him.

Also he's 4! There doesn't need to be any correlation between him and your sister.

What you probably have there is a child who has always been a bit of a handful and you've been able until now to exert your influence enough to feel ok about it?

I have one who is far more like my naughty brother than he is like me - the goody-two-shoes. He always gravitated towards the kids who were most like him. I didn't want to be a controlling parent so whilst I kept an eye on things and disciplined where necessary, I made my peace with his friendships.

The alternative is a bit grim, isn't it? Where the parents decide that their children can only play with people who meet their standards and preferences? Where does that level of control end?

Invite him for tea!! Prompt him on bad manners and praise good behaviour - I bet he will be pleased for a few boundaries. Let your ds see he can be his friend but that is the level of behaviour you expect at your home. If the boy comes back then you can keep an eye on the friendship, if he found you an evil witch he will likely start giving ds a wide berth and he can be free to make a new friend!!

Thank you both, this is exactly what I needed. I just need to get a grip. I will read your posts back over and over when the panic starts to rise.
Tokyo...you are so right, I am a massive control freak because of terrible things that have happened in my life and I am letting that shape things. Thank you.

Hugs Sandysmam, I sympathise, rotten family dynamic here too. But I'm some years away from the start of school now, and DS is lovely and thoughtful with just the occasional bit of attitude. He is still friends with the naughtiest boy in school who is likewise a polite and thoughtful teenager. (His parents are great though.)

I totally agree that you maintain the standards of behaviour you want to see and also, I'd add that it's good to give strategies for your ds avoiding being involved in trouble from quite early on. "X might do that but you don't have to be involved, it's ok to walk away and say nothing" kind of thing.