New sibling seems to have ruined relationship with DD

[User24689]

Hello. I feel like I am so sleep deprived and emotional that I cant see any way forward and hope that someone might have some advice.
I have a daughter who is 2 years and 3 months old and I have a newborn son who is almost 3 weeks old.
We live overseas away from all family and although we do have friends, including, one or two who are really helpful and supportive, DH and I are basically on our own.
Before I had DS I did pretty much everything for DD- almost all bathtimes, bedtimes, got up with her every morning. I can’t remember ever having a lie in in 2 years and it has been a bone of contention between me and DH but I made a rod for my own back really because every time he tried eg being the one to get her up in the morning she would insist on coming to find me and I wouldn’t get a break anyway. Tbh I just did it all because it kept everyone happy and DH does contribute in other ways so it felt like we were a team.
Since having DS I feel like everything has fallen apart. The moment DD walked into my hospital room on the first day everything felt different. She had a frightened look on her face and wouldn’t come to me, just clung to DHs leg. She had been left with a friend when we went to hospital which will have been unusual and confusing for her. When they left, she screamed and kicked the whole way out of the hospital, shouting for me.
I was in hospital for 3 days and when I came out, I made a huge effort to show her I was the same and she was still so important to me. I have done her bedtime every night and read stories to her, I try my best to be up when she wakes up, I have made time for colouring and playdoh and sit with her every time the baby is asleep (which is a lot, thankfully).
But she is like a different kid, and I feel like a completely different person to who I was 4 weeks ago. I feel so completely unsettles and like I have turned our world upside down when it was all so good. I struggle to remember what the urge for a second child felt like.
The following things are the biggest issues:

• DD no longer sleeps through the night. She has been waking and crying and needs to be resettled. When she is sleeping, she’s shouting in her sleep eg 'no no no’, 'i don’t like it’, ' that’s Mine’ etc
• She has gone from waking at 6.30 to waking at 5. The baby wakes at 4 every morning with wind, usually I have just resettled him when she wakes up. So my day now starts at 4.
• She regularly ignores me when I speak to her, like I’m not there. I might be asking her to play, telling her her dinner is ready, asking if she wants a snack. She blanks me. It is infuriating
• She refuses to get dressed in the morning, brush her teeth, have her nappy changed – anything like that sparks a huge tantrum. I have had a CS so can’t handle her throwing herself around and can’t pick her up. I have to rely on verbally persuading her and I just can’t. I feel like she knows this and knows she has the upper hand
• She doesn’t want to cuddle me anymore
• She hates me breastfeeding and often cries when I’m feeding DS. He feeds hourly and throws up most feeds

• She is kind to the baby, except purposely wakes him whenever he is asleep. I have explained to her that this then means i have to pick him up again and spend time getting him back to sleep rather than playing with her. She doesnt care.

- She tells me one thing then changes her mind. Eg wants Vegemite on her toast then when it arrives throws herself to the floor because she hates it and wanted peanut butter. There is literally no point in asking what she wants at the moment. - She will let DH do all the things she won’t let me do. When he comes home from work she tells him she missed him and regularly climbs into his lap and tells him she loves him. She hasn’t shown me any affection in 3 weeks YET... - She still wants me to do all bedtimes, make her food and be there if she wakes in the night. So I’m getting up for both children all night long. DH keeps telling me to leave her to him but the guilt consumes me and I just listen to her crying for me and feel like I’m letting her down.

Is all of this a normal reaction to a new sibling? It’s breaking my heart. I’m starting to see DS as something that is getting in the way of my relationship with DD rather than as my son. I don’t think I’m paying him enough attention. I feel like I’m failing both of them.

Todsy my friend came to take DD out to the park to give me a break and I just can’t stop crying because I feel like I’ve sent her away when I should be spending quality time with her.
Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading.

Currently up with DD2 who is 7 weeks and have a DD1 who is 2.5 so similar age gap to you. I struggle with what you say about not giving DD2 enough attention but they are so little at this stage as long as they are being fed etc I think it’s fine and natural when you have a toddler to deal with. Many other parents have said to me that baby just fits in
With your question about the toddler - I wonder how much is just toddler behaviour and she is seeing that she is getting the upper hand. She suddenly has to share you and is acting up. Maybe try more structure in your approach so when you’re feeding DS that becomes reading time with DD - she picks the book etc so she feels in control. Also maybe set more structure in how you split routine with DH so he will always do bedtime etc so it doesn’t matter if she cries for you.
Some special ‘big girl time’ when you take DD out just the 2 of you for a treat (park/hot choc) could help?

Firstly, Congratulations on your DD

The things you describe with your DD are really similar to how mine reacted to her new sibling, although slightly different as she's a wee bit older so no nappy changes for example

She basically regressed for a few weeks: wanted to bf again, wanted to wear pull-ups, go in the pram

She 'accidentally' woke the baby, would cuddle her a bit hard sometimes...

It got easier without us noticing really. She just felt more reassured over time that although some things had changed, a lot hadn't.

I took every opportunity when someone visited to have one to one time with her. Gave lots of praise when I could (harder to summon something up on some days!), especially non baby related

I had times when I felt I regretted the baby as it seemed to affect her so badly. But it was fleeting, and of course hormones are involved in a grand scale.

We're a few weeks ahead of you and it has got easier. It's just taken time for us to get used to being a 4

Good luck, take all the help you can and congratulations again

DS!!

Don't beat yourself up OP this is all very normal. Don't show anxiety to your DD, be very matter of fact and kind but firm. Let her know this is the new normal but everything will be fine and this is not scary. If you get anxious and worried so will she. She will be fine, Don't be scared to bond with DS and show him love. She will take her cues from you.

I think it is probably normal but not all react to a new sibling like this. DD1 was very excited about DD2 and the baby slotted right in without any problem. But the differ

Difference could be DD1 was daddy’s girl and a larger age gap.

However I think at 2 you are just starting to see the terrible twos toddler year. They are very demanding and self centred and can’t be reason with. Give her structure and she should be able to accept this is how things will be.

OP you sound exhausted.

Don’t fret about it. It’s all very normal.

It’s a massive change for your DD, it’s natural that it will take her a while to adjust. She’ll get used to her brother and enjoying being a big sister soon enough and uou’lk Get used to a new routine.

A trip to the park is a lovely thing for your DD, I bet she had a great time don’t feel guilty.

Try to make sure your DH gets some time alone with the baby so that you can take some time with your DD to do something fun. Then you can swap another time and he can take your DD out for some one on one while you snuggle with DS.

I think you’re over thinking it, don’t make it a “thing” or you’ll be doing more harm than good. Baby isn’t going anywhere and will fit in just fine given time. Don’t let her get away with behaviour you wouldn’t have tolerated before DS came along, she’ll catch on to that very fast and it will not be doing her any favours in the long run. She will be fine.

Sounds to me as if the onset of the "terrible twos" in your DD has coincided with the birth of the new baby (congratulations!) to make an unholy combination for you, OP. You must be feeling so exhausted, please don't beat yourself up about it, and as others have said, it is probably quite normal and will settle down in a bit once your DD has got used to there being someone else in the family unit. And if at all possible, try not to let her know you re stressed and upset by her behaviour, but carry on as normally as possible.

Hi op, i've got 3 and they are each 2 years apart I.e. I've twice now had a new born and a 2 year old. This all sounds perfectly normal to me and I agree with pp, you are over thinking it and probably projecting your own feelings about the damage it's done to your two year old. Honestly - keep it in context. Millions of people throughout time have had little siblings and they've been just fine! You must be on your knees with exhaustion and believe me, there was no play doh round here when I was so soon post-partum with a new baby! You're doing really great- Just keep doing what you're doing - it wil naturally improve.

Take your DH up on his offer.

It's fine for him to do bedtimes etc, and I think you're so tired and sleep deprived and generally down that you cannot see this.

Elder siblings acting up when new baby arrives is extremely common. You can't stop someone feeling jealous, but you can try to ease them through it. Letting her have the time she wants with her DDad will help her.

This is typical 2 year old 'emotional rollercoaster' behaviour. A lot of it would have happened whether you had a baby or not.

Your DH needs to do bedtimes, food prep and getting up in the night for her. You will all have to work through the histrionics and be firm but kind about it. DH also needs to get up and entertain or care for her in the morning so you will get some sleep once the baby is settled after 4. They could veg out on the couch together watching children's programmes or something. She might well fall back to sleep.

You need to get a white noise machine so the baby can sleep through noises caused by DD. (She can't understand the reasoning about waking the baby meaning less time for her - it's not that she doesn't care, she just can't understand what you are on about). Maybe find a place for him to sleep that is separate from where she plays.

Make sure she is invited to help you with little tasks she can manage like handing you a wipe or patting the baby gently after a feeding.
You could try reading to her during feedings.

Find a local teenager who would be able to come over and entertain DD for an hour or two a few afternoons a week. This will give you a bit of a breather and get DD used to having someone other than you taking care of her. Look for someone playful.

All this is to let you get some rest, which you need.

Don't worry about her changed attitude to you. Don't feel left out and don't try to compete. The hostility to you and the baby will pass. You will be left with just a terrible two yo.

I have 2 with almost exactly age gap and I found bringing dd in to help with ds from the off. We had run through with her daily on the run up to giving birth as to what was going to happen when the baby announced his arrival. Who she would be staying with and got her excited that she was going to get a baby brother.

When her brother arrived she was given tasks to help with her brother which meant that she felt included in everything from nappy changes to putting him down for a nap.
Trips to the park meant we packed up a picnic and blanket and baby and off we went.
For me we were in a new area and had absolutely no family or support network and a dp who worked away 2 weeks in every month.

Just making her feel like a useful big sister to her baby brother. Telling her about how she would be able to teach him stuff as he got older seemed to really help.

op. My dd was 2.5 when ds was born and we spent the 1st 6 months thinking "what on earth have we done!" Dd would cry every time ds did and she was a bad sleeper anyway and then I had a baby too. It will get better and your relationship won't suffer long term. I am very glad that my dd & ds have each other now.
I found toddler + baby shockingly difficult. You will come out the other side.

It's normal to a greater or lesser extent. It gets better. I found it got a lot easier once you can lift your toddler, partly because you don't have to cajole them into everything and it also made him less jealous.

My dd is exactly like this but she's an only child! I think it's an age thing.

Sorry you are feeling like this. I find it hard with one child so it must be extremely difficult with multiple children. I hope it gets better for you.

I recently bought a reward chart and I'm hoping that helps! Maybe you could try something similar?

It’s sibling rivalry and has happened since time began. They are overwhelmed by the changes in their life and have to,come to terms with changes to relationships. Suddenly they are slightly off centre rather than the absolute centre of all that happens. Mummy who was ever present went away, had a noisy little thing and hadn’t got as much time for me.
They adjust. They learn to deal with new way of being a family. It just takes a little while.
Meanwhile, make special time for them, encourage them to ‘help’ with baby, make sure your husband does his bit too.

It’s hard, but completely normal. Always remember ‘it’s just a phase, it will pass.’ You might find that you end up having a slightly different relationship with your DD now, but it’s good different

That didn't happen with mine, he was a little older when I had dd, but I would assume it is totally normal. Dd hates when friends bring babies into the house, she gets jealous; either won't speak to anyone and ignores you or cries. Even if I give her brother a hug she frequently gets upset because I'm not currently cuddling her. Sigh.

Give it time, she's only little and it's a huge adjustment for her too.

I found the first few months of having a baby and a toddler really hard. Mainly my emotional reaction to it. The guilt was horrendous. Dd used to hit baby ds with books when he was asleep! They became the best of friends and I never regretted having a second child. If you can get hold of a copy of this then buy it. It was a lifesaver for me in that it made me realise everything I was feeling and everything we was feeling was normal! www.amazon.co.uk/Three-Shoes-One-Sock-Hairbrush/dp/0304354295?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Thank you all so much. I do accept that I am ovethinking/ projecting but honestly I think I'm so tired I'm going a bit mad.

I really appreciate all the suggestions and I'm going to go back through this thread and make a list of new things to implement/ try out that could help us. Thank you.

I do take on board what a pp said about her not being able to understand that baby awake means she gets less time. I think sometimes I expect too much of her in terms of her understanding. In fact sometimes as I'm disciplining her for something I have the realisation that she doesn't really understand what she's done wrong and then I feel (even more) terrible.

We are letting her know what is/ isn't on in terms of behaviour. It is true that this may be a change in her that would have happened anyway, maybe. I think the problem is we never really had to discipline her before and suddenly, since the baby, I'm having to do it every day. So she's also seeing a side of.me and DH she hasn't really seen before at a time when she is more vulnerable.

At the moment we are giving a warning, counting to 3 to give her a chance to change her behaviour, then asking her to go and sit in the hall (or taking her there and walking away). She does stay, then comes back and says sorry after a minute or so. Sometimes I feel that she is genuinely sorry and is upset. Other times I think it's a game to her. I don't think it's working generally. Can anyone recommend a better way to handle bad behaviour? I'm talking things like purposely drawing on the table after being told not to, purposely pouring her water on the floor. Today she kicked me accidentally on the sofa and I told her please be careful because that hurt mummy. She then purposely kicked me so hard in my cs incision it made me cry. That did shock her and she apologized without any prompting. But you can see she is purposely trying to get attebtion in all the wrong ways. She was never like this before.

We did try to prepare her as pp have said but she didn't really get it. I don't think her language was as developed as some of your 2 year Olds. She knew there was a baby in my tummy but we never really got he impression that she understood it was going to be coming out. When we explained things, she was silent and didn't indicate she understood. I wish I had done more to make sure of it now.

I feel like I'm fighting battles I never wanted to fight. She is refusing to eat dinner every night. I used to deal with that when it rarely happened by just taking it away and not mentioning it. But now she is waking up all hours of he night hungry I am just so fucking desperate for her to eat something I'm making all kinds of ridiculous bargains with her to eat dinner. We had a huge carry on this evening over dinner with tears and drama and I don't even recognise myself!

Thanks for all your support
X

One day, you won't remember quite how hard this period in your life is. I went through just the same with my DD. It will be a massive readjustment for her. Reassure her that you are still her mummy, she is still your baby.
I would also recommend allowing a little bit of regression. The TV is also your friend at the moment, allow yourselves a lot of cuddles on the sofa while you all readjust. Don't worry about mealtimes, keep it really simple and keep giving dd things you know she likes. Does she have milk at bedtime? That may help.

There is no way to convey to a 2 year old what a baby's arrival will mean. It's not because of lack of verbal comprehension. They simply have no experience whatsoever as a point of reference. They are also completely self centered - this is a healthy state at 2 - and cannot conceive of a state of existence in which they are not the centre of the universe.

Wrt the purposeful disobedience - take things away when she misuses them. Writing materials get taken if she writes on the table. No second chance. Give her a spill proof sippy cup to prevent water spilling even if she has graduated to a proper cup. Invest in a toddler table from Ikea instead of having her write at the good table. Wrt kicking, your reaction was perfect.

Stop doing time outs. Address the misbehaviour verbally as soon as it happens, and then hug to reconnect.

I would not insist on 'sorry' at this age. It tends to become nothing more than a magic word that gets you out of hot water in the mind of a toddler. Two year olds are completely self centered and really don't get the concept of other people's hurt, and they are not capable of being sorry therefore. You can convey where she has gone wrong verbally ' we don't write on the table', ask her not to do it again, and hug. It's important for you both to reconnect when the harmony has been disrupted. All you really want is for the behaviour not to repeat; prevention is one approach, confiscation is another.

Catching her being good is one of the best ways in the long run to encourage good behaviour. Give praise when she colours on the paper.

You can continue with 'please' and 'thank you' if you're doing that with her. That is easier for her to understand.

And avoid the dinner drama. Keep a log of what she eats during the day. Give her a gummy multivitamin daily. Try to be sure she eats breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, and then dinner won't be such a make or break event.

Basically she needs carbs, protein, calcium, fibre, a little iron, and vitamins. Cheese, bananas, beans on toast, avocado, strawberries, blueberries, raisins, apple, peanut butter, chicken nuggets, fish fingers, oatmeal or other cereal, sweet and white potatoes, eggs done different ways, macaroni and cheese with a little broccoli mashed in - most toddlers will have a few of those over the course of a few days.

Bribe with the promise of a TV show if you really want her to eat dinner. Don't feed her at night.

I think the first 6 months into the 2 children thing is hard. You keep wanting one child to leave you alone so you can spend time with the other. But then, somehow it comes together.

You’re all new at this - you, your husband, your 2yo and your baby. And it’s such a tiring time.

I think you are being hard on yourself. Let yourself off the hook if you get grumpy or can’t be bothered making dinner or 2yo goes to bed wearing a swimming costume or whatever. So long as the basics of food, water (milk), shelter and fairly regular washing are happening, it’s actually ok. You will get through this!!