Fights between children - to intervene or not?

[emkana]

How do you deal with it when your children fight with other children/their friends over toys etc. Between my friends and me the unspoken rule is: We intervene and explain what the expected behaviour is, make sure that every child gets a turn, tell our child off if it's taken toys away etc. But: you're only "allowed" to tell your own children off, unless it's an emergency (somebody could get hurt) or the mother is not there. Our children are all between 2 and a half and 3 years old, plus there are younger siblings.
I'm quite happy with doing it that way, and it winds me up when I meet up with people/ see people at toddler group who don't say anything when their child snatches a toy away or something.
My thinking is that we have to explain to children what the expected behaviour is.
But I know that some people believe thtat you should let children sort out their own conflicts. I'm not sure about that one though, because I fear that that only leads to children learning that the physically strongest one wins. Unless you can persuade me otherwise... what does everybody think?

I like to be the one who tells our children what is right and wrong and to give them boundaries, otherwise how do they learn?? I find it difficult when other parents ignore their children's bad behaviour and then our DD in a very loud voice becomes very judgemental about their behaviour!! In some cases I have stopped 'playing' with some as DD (especially when younger) always came off worse and I started to wonder if it really was beneficial or not... Our Mother and Toddler group is at the moment a free for all based on jungle rules and I do not want to be part of it at present with DS (15 months). Or am I just harsh!!?

Any other opinions?

This is hard! Inside I absolutely believe that you souldn't allow other kids to get away with bad behaviour towards your own while you stand by and watch because it totally gives yours the wrong message. My oldest is now 9.5 and I'm trying deperately to make her see the importance of sticking up for what you know is right, especially when people around you may be doing the exact opposite. However, I know that I haven't always shown her a good example of this in the kind of situations you are talking about. I am about as assertive as a very small and un-assertive insect, so I do struggle, but the issues do get bigger as they get older. I'd advise a little gentle and quite jolly intervention along the lines of (hearty playgroup leader tones) 'Oh dear, darling, that wasn't very kind! Shall we let Tommy have a turn now!' etc. Hope you can pull it off more successfully than I do!

Squabbling I tend to let them sort it out, unless they ask for help, but anything physical and I intervene. Then give the lecture about sharing and taking turns. Any sulking or tantrums are ignored, or they get sent for time out until they calm down. Major arguments or tantrums will result in being sent to bed.