DS2 (8) being left out because he's a boy. What do I say to him?

[tellitlikeitispls]

DS2 has just turned 8. He is the loveliest kid ever. Kind and caring and eccentric and clever and quite honestly I don't know where it all came from. He's quite empathetic and mature as well. He has his moments of course. He's very confident and popular with most folk.

He has always migrated to girls. His best friend (lets call her Mary) has been such since they started reception. There is a wider circle of girls that he also plays with. He is friends with the boys but never plays with them at all. Their year group is very sweet and I get on with all the parents.

Mary had a sleepover recently with us as I took them both to see a film for his birthday treat.
He asked her if this was her first sleepover, and she said no, she'd had one with A, B and C (the other girls they are friends with) He went a bit quiet at this point, but quickly perked up as he does and changed the subject.

I just feel so bad for him. I know all I can do is watch and see how it pans out, but this is always going to be the way. Its going to get more and more difficult and he will be left out of more and more stuff by virtue of being a boy.

They are so innocent right now, but the other parents (except currently Mary's) feel its inappropriate to include him in certain events and I understand that but I find it so hard to explain to him.

I know there are other examples of things he hasn't been invited to over the last year or so, as its been an 'all girl' event. (he is perfectly happy to do stuff that's seen as 'girly'. ) I'm certainly not going to say anything to them. They (the parents) are lovely and not deliberately trying to exclude, but I know they just don't feel comfortable with having him there, as the only boy.

Its not like he doesn't get it - he does - but he's so upset about it and I can't help. He's trying very hard to be 'grown up' and not show it, even though I tell him he doesn't have to. I can tell when he's upset as he goes quiet and changes the subject. Much like his dad does. Normally he doesn't stop chatting.

What do I say to him? I can't bear him being sad. He's like our sunshine and I want him to be happy. I don't think I can do an awful lot but reassure him that they are still his friends, but sometimes different groups of friends want to do different things together.

No advice really. I get why sleepovers are increasingly single sex but nothing else needs be surely?
Is it worth talking to Mary's mom for her insight and see if the other parents have said anything? Worth checking it the parent not the girls pulling away as they get older?

God, that's awful and very short sighted of the other parents.

I have no idea what you could say to him that wouldn't come across as bitchy about the narrow minds of these people.

I would encourage him to cultivate his friendship with Mary, invite her for sleepovers and also invite the other girls.

I have no idea what on earth they think would happen with a boy there!

FWIW my DD2 has had boys sleep over here, and she has slept at their houses. It's never been an issue. She's 12 now so I would probably think twice but your son has been friends with these girls from a young age and they are just kids.

I hope someone has something insightful you can offer to your son because I am stumped.

I'm afraid he may well end up excluded from some activities because he is a boy. But not necessarily. My dd's best friend at primary was a boy. He was friendly with all the girls. For about 4 years, the guest list form most of the girls' birthday parties was 10 girls and this one boy. He was totally accepted as one of the gang. Around year 6, he branched out and became more friendly with a couple of boys. He and my dd are now well into secondary school and they've been best friends since year 3.

A few thoughts, as we have had a similar situation. Firstly, that you're right about what to tell him, that sometimes friends want to do things with different people. I would also just make sure that Mary's / the girls' mums aren't excluding him because they think he would be uncomfortable - just a few passing remarks about him enjoying some activity they're doing with together and is happy being the only boy. Won't stop all the girls only stuff, but might lessen it. And personally I would encourage him to strengthen some of the friendships with a few boys too - not force it, just keep up some of the bonds. As they get older the gender polarisation might grow, and I'd want to mitigate the risk of that.

My daughter has a friend like this - in fact he's her best friend. I have never left him out of a party or an invite because he's a boy. He's often the only boy in the group when we go and do stuff. He is sometimes not invited to parties held by other members of my daughter's friendship group but this is understandable because he's not necessarily their friend though because of his friendship with my daughter they often all play together. My daughter would never leave him out. Ever.

I think my daughter is Mary in this case.