At breaking point with DS (3) behaviour

[colonelgoldfish]

I’m finding my DS (3) behaviour so challenging at the moment to the point that I dread being around him. I love him so much but I’m really struggling.

I seem to spend most of my time being so over the top positive in the hope he will have a good day only to find he doesn’t get his own way/is told not to do something that it spirals into a whole day of hell whether at home or out.

We do the ‘thinking spot’ which is where he goes to cool down (just a cushion in the living room on the floor). Every single time it’s a huge battle to get him to stay on it for 3 minutes and can take up to a half an hour with him running off and laughing. If that fails he’s put into his bedroom which results in the contents of the room being thrown over the baby gate, bed stripped etc. Only for me to go up and him still to be laughing/hitting me. On these days I get so down

I know it’s my issue and something I must be doing wrong. I’m so scared that I’m going to damage him with how angry and upset I get or that he will be ten times worse when he is a teenager. I just want to enjoy my little boy but I’m really struggling.

I also have a DD (5) who is usually fine, behaviour not an issue. And have a DH who is very supportive and also aware of the behaviour but isn’t at home as much as I am so doesn’t see how bad it can get.

Any tips - I’ll try anything?

I think you might be expecting too much of him OP.

3 is very small still. They live in the present...trying for half an hour to make him sit on a cushion isn't really going to do either of you any favours.

Distraction is better.

If he does something really naughty which you KNOW he knows better than to do...then I always found the most effective response was to speak in a sharper voice than usual and then ignore him for 2 or three minutes.

Might sound cruel but it does work.

My DC are 13 and 9 and well adjusted.

Is he getting plenty of excersise daily? Walks? Running in the park?

Examples of reasons he goes to the thinking spot would be good?

A way you could approach it, is a decent warning first.
"If you do not stop throwing toys inside, you will go to the thinking spot." Tactical ignore. "Okay, I gave you a warning, you did not stop throwing toys, which could break hints or hurt people, go to the thinking spot."
Take child to spot, not where everyone can see, bottom step is good.
"You need to stay here and think about why I am cross, and why you are here. Come back when you can say sorry."

Then walk away. If they follow you, you can just try to let them say sorry, or you can keep leading them back.

There should be non negotiable behaviours that the thinking spot is for, with a warning, and some that it is used instantly for.
When they say sorry, make them say why. If they can't, remind them, and take em back.

Thank you for your reply.

I think you’re right. I’m so anxious to get parenting right that I keep persisting with things that obviously aren’t working.

Will try what you suggested.

He’s in nursery 4 days a week while I work and seems to be very active there (on bikes, slide etc). Maybe I could do more to make sure he is active on the days we’re at home though.

Yes...it is an effort but most kids that age need 2 walks/trips to the park daily.

If you're really knackered from work, you could set up simple things at home. Do you have a garden?

Any kind of hitting/hurting anyone is straight to the thinking spot.

Then if he repeatedly keeps doing something as is asked not to (e.g throwing things) then it’s a warning and then onto it.

He just finds it funny though so it’s obviously not working 👎🏼

Yes he goes in the garden although needs a lot of attention while out there, won’t play alone and on days I’m at home we do two walks to school to pick up DD.

I make sure we do an activity when I’m at home too like cooking, play dough, painting etc which he loves.

I really do think I’m the problem and I’m just a bit crap really. I need to put more effort in I think. Thank you for the suggestions. Lots to think about

Sounds like the thinking spot isn't working so I would ditch it, try something else.
Whats he motivated by? Reward chart? Marble jar - put marbles in for good behaviour, remove for bad behaviour and at the end of the day he could exchange them for stickers/chocolate buttons/screen time?

Do you shout? Do you actually ever properly shout.
"Don't you dare hit me/your sister/the dog. That is nasty, horrible behaviour. Go and sit on the honking spot. How dare you be so horrible." In a proper voice, a stern, not screaming, but stern, very clearly angry voice.

When he hits or trashes the place, does he have to make a,mends? Tidy it up, lose a toy, not get treats etc?

I think you need a reward system as well. For each nice hung he does, he gets a bean, and then when he has ten or whatever, he gets a treat. Make it easy to get them at first. Then hard,r hen start taking them away. Do it for your daughter too. So she can see and he can too.

You are right that you need to get a hand,e on this.

I could write your post some days!
My son is going through a bit of a phase like this at the moment. I have stopped using the naughty step (or whatever else you want to call it) because I realised that from his point of view he was getting loads of my attention putting him back on there hundreds of times. I think a lot of this behaviour is attention-seeking at the moment (when he's hitting and giggling, it's different when he's crying and lashing out because he's emotional). I give him a clear warning then count to 3 and if he hasn't done what I asked/stopped doing what I asked I cut down his tv time. When I'm really really getting to the end of my tether I have shut him in the porch once or twice - there's not really anything in there he can damage or mess up and it's very boring. If there's an obvious consequence related to whatever he's doing then I do the same - warning, count to 3 and then eg take him home from soft play.
I think the key thing is to look at it from their point of view: you might think going to his room is a punishment but it doesn't sound like he really experiences it as a punishment because he's having fun trashing his room. Likewise he sounds like he is enjoying the naughty cushion 'game' (from his point of view). So you need to find a consequence that is meaningful to him. Does he have a favourite toy or an ipad that you can take away?
I used to take away one favourite toy which didn't really work because he still had about 5 million toys left, but they're now organised differently so if I need a different consequence I am planning to give a warning, count to 3 and then take away a box of toys each time.
I think staying very very calm is helpful to this sort of behaviour where they are pushing the boundaries, it's easier said than done but for me the key thing was to think about consequences in advance so in the heat of the moment I already had a plan A, B and C....

I'm hoping it will pass...

PS I found reading a few toddler books helpful not necessarily to follow their strategies exactly but a) to reassure myself that this sort of behaviour is normal and b) to get a range of ideas out of which I created my own strategy.
Although if you're someone who panics about getting everything 'right' it depends whether you can read the books with a pinch of salt for general ideas. If you are going to use them to beat yourself up for not doing everything the book says then they probably won't help!