DD says that her Dad headbutted her...

[NancyPiecrust]

DD who is nearly 3.5, has come back from contact with her Dad (my ex-partner), very quiet and when asked her what kind of day she had with him she said "Naughty" and when asked to elaborate she ended up saying that Daddy headbutted her with an angry face because he was cross & he wanted her to stop the tantrum. Usually, when she lies or makes up stories she can't stop herself from smiling but she didn't do that at all this time.

She has in the past few weeks said things like that Daddy shouted at her until she stopped crying. That she doesn't like it when he does really bad shouting and that she didn't want to go to sleepovers with Daddy anymore.

Previously in the past he has had a period of only supervised contact with her around a year ago when she was 2, as she came back from contact with him absolutely traumatised doing strange monotonous screaming and he was crying as well when he dropped her to me in the morning. Then when he left & she calmed down she told me that he had whacked her and slapped her. Said because he was upset he needed to whack her. And said "Daddy cried as well".
Then she didn't want to go out anywhere and just wanted to stay in my bed with me, about 30 mins later she wet herself on purpose on my bed (she had been fully toilet trained for months no accidents since Day 2!) and then later when eating lunch at the table she wet herself again on purpose. She later said she never wants to go to Daddy's house again.

I reported to HV and SS. They said I had done the right thing to say only supervised contact. He was initially remorseful and admitted that he had been rough with her but said he never struck her. He did say he wasn't coping with having her 2 nights a week. But as soon as I reported to SS he changed his story and denied it saying what he did was normal parenting and that I was making it up/putting words in her mouth to punish him. (no motive for this as I left him & it actually made my life so much harder to stop the overnight contact etc).

SS then lost interest because he spoke to them and they said it didn't meet their threshold, due to no bruises and said that we have to sort it out ourselves or in court. This made me feel powerless really & in mediation he then bullied me a bit into agreeing to unsupervised contact again by threatening court, and just continuously minimising my concerns as if they were just me being anxious and ridiculous.

Fast forward a year and he made all the right moves ie. going to anger management as I had asked him to in mediation (I said DV perp course but he just did anger management) and turning into Mr Nice Guy so eventually I started to trust him a bit again and tried overnights again on his own, only for DD to start having night terrors every night & his behaviour to switch back again to controlling, nasty, harassing, hostile in handovers etc when he wasn't getting what he wanted which was shared care of DD.
He is now pursuing this through the courts as he has moved closer to us on purpose to do this even when his girfriend, work, family, friends everything is 100 miles away. As soon as he moved he turned controlling and hostile again. I don't have contact with him directly anymore except email and he texts me & my parents handle handovers for now.

He was abusive in the relationship with me - verbally, physically, emotionally, psychologically and I think he has undiagnosed mental health issues and definitely cannabis addiction issues too.

Currently she goes to him mid-week and alternate weekends, with no overnights, but I want to stop contact completely because of what DD has said now, and considering his behaviour has become more erratic...and let the courts decide...but I don't want to be accused again of "making it up" or "putting words in her mouth" as I know this will be his defense or to attack me verbally or through the courts, make stuff up about me etc - I know he will allege I can't cope, that I am the one with mental health issues etc, as is his style of defense.

I don't want the same thing to happen again where I let SS's lack of interest or my feeling that I don't have power to take him to court etc...stop me from protecting my daughter.
Another thing she said today is that she wants me to tell everybody and asked me to "protect" her. This is quite a grown up concept for her but she is really crazily intelligent/emotionally intelligent - has very advanced speech and memory & always has done - at 1 year old she had around 20 words and before 18 months old she was saying 4-word sentences and counting to 10! And she said again that she doesn't want to go to Daddy anymore as he frightened her.

Any advice??

Sounds like a nightmare op. I have little advice, but didn't want to read and run.
Would it help if you record her talking about it with your phone ( without her being aware). Would that be better evidence for SS and court ?

Report him to the police. He assaulted your child.

Definitely the Police, they have trained staff who can talk to both you and your daughter. Also you should get an officer called a "solo" who should be your point of contact and be with you throughout the case.

Yes, police. It was assault. Then you can legitimately protect her and keep her away from him. He may be her dad but he's clearly mentally unstable and totally unfit to have unsupervised access to her - she needs to be shown that you put her safety and security FIRST.

Sounds like you've had an incredibly awful time of things OP.

Obviously this is heartbreaking, I hope other MNetters have better advice than me, but could you use drug tests in order to stop contact also?

Honestly I would move far away from him, Shes far too little to trust him to have her with his aggressive behaviour.

Does she have any marks on her?

This is just awful. You're poor little girl. I wouldn't let him anywhere near her.

I think you have to report it to the Police and SS. She's a bit older now and able to verbalise things better than a year ago. I'd also stop contact - she isn't safe with a man that is capable of headbutting her . God what a nightmare for you OP. I hope you've got RL support too, you need it .

Thanks for replies... I guess I didn't realise police was an option - especially how I felt after SS said unless there are bruises then there's nothing they can do... Which is ridiculous because it doesn't take beating so hard to make marks to emotionally damage a child or scar them.

No she has no marks... If it's anything like what he used to do to me, it's very clever subtle physical intimidation designed to get the other person to stop doing something or behave how he wants. He's very dominating and physically very large so he really doesn't have to do much to be quite frightening I imagine. And if he's been shouting at her - even a few bad bouts of abusive shouting as he did to me, would be enough to ensure even a tiny display of dominance would mean she'd feel frightened. He did this to me - put his hand over my mouth, grab sides of my head firmly and press his forehead into mine in a forceful, threatening manner.

She is very sensitive to being told off, loud noises or raised voices - if I am firm with her or tell her off a little she cannot handle it at all & gets very upset. I think this may be down to how he is with her. but also she has always been sensitive like this.

Outwardly he is very charming, good-looking, "funny", affable, good at playing the victim, getting people to feel sorry for him etc, twisting things, making people feel warmth towards him etc...so many people think he is the nicest guy etc... I just am afraid no one will believe me or my DD and anyone will say she is too young for her words to be taken into consideration. Does it really have to get to the point of bruises before anyone will take it seriously?

I also think he emotionally manipulates her & also at times is the "most fun Dad in the world" - he does play with her a lot and do lots of activities with her - he is absolutely obsessed with her & doesn't seem keen to let her be independent/doesn't like the idea of her going to nursery etc, so she does say she loves him and she will randomly change her mind and say she does want to go to him.
But it's clear she is also unsure about being alone with him/knows he acts nastily to her & that that is not normal and then does tell me about it. She's very confused. and I think the more he has contact with her the more he will manipulate her.

He's already told her stuff like "Daddy says Mummy is stopping me doing x,y,z" or "Daddy says I can't go to visit Nanny until Mummy says yes" and she has been crying and angry with me after coming home from contact with him and saying these things - he has tried to subtly demonise me...but very subtly. As I said he is highly intelligent and a master manipulator.

Police ASAP. They have a specialist unit for interviewing dc. Very good and very caring.
You will be given plenty of support.

Ok...I will report....Although I can definitely not imagine DD opening up to a stranger - she'll probably end up saying Daddy is her best friend and so are her kittens and so is Mummy and her Auntie etc etc and Mummy is stopping her from sleepovers with Daddy and she should be allowed to go etc and talk about her past life where her other parents left her with her Grandpa "Granty" and then Granty died etc... Also probably talk about wolves trying to eat her...It's all going to be a bit of a jumble I'd imagine...and probably will throw in there "Mummy is grumpy/cross in the morning if I don't sleep in the night" (meaning the 2 mornings in a row recently where she's woken up screaming at me in the rudest voice ever "GET ME OUT OF BED!!!!!!" after her and our kittens waking me up in the night and me raising my voice (so she can hear me through bedrooms doors, as our bedrooms are right next to each other) "Don't speak to me like that please !! Very rude first thing in the morning ! If you want to get out of bed, you can." etc.... I just feel like they'll go "oh nice middle class family with no problems just neurosis" etc...
I guess all I can do is ...do the right thing ?? And in the end he's not going to be able to keep up the act to every single professional he speaks to is he? And I have a lot of evidence eg. my diary entries over 3 years, emails between myself and a trainee child psychotherapist re: DD and what happened a year ago, emails to SS from a year ago - numerous cnversations logged with HV.. evidence of DV in relationship..

My biggest fear is after months of court they will say something like "yes there was DV and yes there were concerns over his temper with the child, but it's not quite that bad so lets reintroduce contact" and it will validate his minimising tactics of always maintaining that he has acted reasonably and fairly and I am the one who is the problem etc.

So sorry to read this. I think PP’s suggestion about recording her comments is a good one. If she’s asleep now, have a cuddle in the morning and ask her to tell you the good things which happened at Daddy’s and the bad things and just listen and record for the police. Make sure you don’t lead her. Good luck to you.

Beware recording her will be assumed it be you leading her. My ds wrote a letter to a judge about contact and I got wrong for apparently standing over him telling him what to write. Would dd discuss it with a trusted nursery teacher? Or a friend of yours?

Yes you're right I don't think recording is a good idea. I don't want to push her on it ... she didn't want to talk about it this morning when I asked her. She's been very tantrumy this morn. I said to her she should tell her keyworker at nursery who she loves... she said she wanted me to tell everyone so they could look after her. I just don't know if Police will take me seriously or if it will help at all. I will def speak to Health Visitor & SS.

This is awful but please listen to your DD and protect her. You know your ex has issues, hi is aggressive and manipulative, dont let him any where near her.

Call the Police, SS and your HV asap

Well she's just switched back today to saying she does want to go to Daddy for sleepovers and saying she doesn't feel frightened with him, said he used to be mean but he's not anymore, said that she had a lovely time with him eating ice cream and softplay & swimming... and I said ok thanks for telling me the good bits & I said were there any bad bits (again) and she said yes he head butted me & pushed me over. Can't tell whether she's talking about recently or historically or whatever I'm just so confused. I feel absolutely sure about the incident 2 year ago and I do think that was 100% true - her behaviour, level of distress, physical symptoms such as wetting herself on purpose & how he behaved as well - he was upset too etc & initially remorseful and admitted he was rough with her.... so I feel sure about that but I don't feel so sure about this now she has said the opposite.
Maybe I just can't see the wood for the trees. I feel if I make a big deal of this and report to police or SS and then they talk to her and says she wants to go to Daddy etc like she told me this morning, then everything else from a year ago will look less credible when that comes up in court as he'll be able to say "well she thought recently that I had head butted DD and that turned out to be ridiculous, the police said so" .... so then the acrual important thing that could make a difference to him getting contact - the concerns from a year ago / him going for shared care in the child arrangements order etc - will go against me & I'll be made to look like just an anxious and overprotective mother and he will look like he's done nothing wrong & he'll get overnights and possibly even get shared care.

• Incident 1 year ago when she was 2