Reception friendship issues

[BirthdayBeast]

I wasn’t quite sure where the best place to post was so have posted here.

Basically my dd is a late summer born child. She started Reception in September. In some ways she’s very mature for her age but in other ways she’s still very young for her age, especially compared to the older children in her year group.

She’s recently become friendly with two girls at school. These girls were friends before they started school- I believe they were at pre-school together and their mums are close. My dd really likes both girls but one of them in particular (child A), and seems to really look up to them both. In return, Child A is very friendly back and seems to like my dd very much but the other girl (Child B) is very off-hand with my dd to the point of just being rude. When I ask my dd about her friends at school she always says Child A and B are her best friends. I’ve always encouraged her to play with lots of children and make lots of friends rather than just “best friends” but she’s very taken with these particular children. They are both autumn born children so I think there is an element of my dd looking up to them both.

A couple of examples: In the mornings we often arrive early to school and arrive at the same time as Child B. My dd gets very excited when she’s sees her and chats to her/asks her questions/shows her things etc but this girl practically ignores my dd. She looks at her with an expressionless face, turns her back to my dd, ignores her questions. My dd didn’t seem to notice this behaviour to begin with but yesterday she seemed to for the first time and looked at me with what can only be described as a hurt expression on her face and she started chewing the cuff of her coat which she does when she’s feeling anxious or confused. This morning she spoke to Child B again in front of me and showed her her hair clips. This girl turned her back to my dd. My dd looked really anxious and confused again. When she realised I had been watching this exchange my dd put on a forced smile but I could see she was upset. Child A then turned up and Child B grabbed her hand and they walked in together with my dd trailing in behind them. She looked so sad and hang dog that I can’t get that image out of my head now. I haven’t mentioned this to anyone as I thought I was over reacting, however, my mum collected my dd from school yesterday and when I mentioned it to her today she said she’d seen this behaviour towards my dd and how my dd trails around after the two girls and it had made my mum feel sad too.

Friendship threesomes are often difficult and I understand the other girl is probably finding it hard sharing her friend (who seems to include my dd as much as possible from what I’ve seen) but I feel so sad for my dd and I’m not sure what I can do to help her. I don’t want to say too much to her and certainly not mention Child B’s name to my dd in context of unfriendliness but at the same time I need to make her understand that some children are friendly and others aren’t and help her to realise when someone is/isn’t a good friend.

My dd is a very sweet girl and is always kind to others. I’ve never heard her say anything nasty to another child or treat another child in a negative way. I love how sweet she is but at the same time I wish she’d stick up for herself when she’s treated badly by others. She just seems to take it when others are mean.

How do I deal with this situation or should I just leave it and let my dd deal with it in her own time? I don’t want to interfere and make this situation worse but at the same time it is painful watching my dd treated like this.

Was an adult with Child B when they she was blanking your DD? I can’t imagine letting my DD get away with behaving like that.

It can be hard when they start in reception if there are already established friendship groups.. My DD sounds very much like yours, she too is a late summer baby and she too had a bit of similar trouble with 2 girls who were already friends. Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do. We kept saying things like “perhaps B is having a bad day, why not play with someone is being a bit happier?” A few years on and A has dumped B long ago. Our DD is still friends with both but is quite close with A.

Well her dad was nearby but he was following a younger child around so not really paying attention to his dd. Yesterday when she behaved like that her mum was standing with her and said something half-hearted to me along the lines of “Child B is so anti-social” but didn’t actually say anything to her dd.

I’m glad to hear your experience as it gives me hope that as my dd matures she’ll find her own way and realise that this isn’t what a good friendship is all about. My dh thinks that this is a good opportunity for her to learn that not everyone is friendly and for her to find a way to deal with friendship issues, and I know he’s right. I had a general talk to her after school today about friendships and what makes a good friend so will leave it for now and see what happens.

I agree with your DH but it’s just so upsetting to see them go through it. Cannot believe that Chikd Bs Mother did nit say anything to her, I would have gone spare!

Not defending any behaviour but my daughter has selective mutism and has one best friend at reception, she did meet another friend last week, this morning the new friend said she wanted to play with my dd, my lovgave her blank expression face and turned away, then the girl tried to hold my dd hand but she kept pulling it away, I stepped and told the other girl my dd may play with her later, my daughter is not rude and although she may come across as she is rude it's not, it's that she has high anxiety and shuts down in these situations, I know this doesn't help your situation but reading that comes how many daughter is and she is not doing it intentionally and can not help coming across as ignoring people. This is not the case for a lot of children but my dd does behave like this as this is her coping mechanism. My daughters face in these situations is expressionless and with her conditions she may seem to ignore questions but her anxiety is so high she can not answer, this happens at shops at grandparents at achool, sorry to jump on post but feel I need to speak up to say maybe it's not what you think

Thanks for your perspective, Savannah. It’s always interesting to hear things from a different view. Child B is a sociable child with her best friend (Child A) and some other children, however, I do think she is probably feeling anxious herself about Child A’s growing friendships with other children in the class (like my dd) and this is causing the behaviour she displays towards my dd. I don’t have anything against this girl as I’m sure she is usually lovely, and I do have sympathy for her but it is really sad to see the effect this jealousy/anxiety is having on my dd. My dd is a sensitive little soul at times and because she is so much younger than the other girls she hasn’t caught up with them maturity wise. I suppose she’s still at that point where life is simple and everyone’s friends together, where as these girls are at the “we’re best friends” point and Child B doesn’t want anyone muscling in on that.

I think I need to step back from it a bit and leave it to my dd to resolve (unless it escalates). However if this child does this in front of me again then I’ll say something to my dd to reassure her that she hasn’t done anything wrong rather than waiting for Child B’s parents to correct their dd’s behaviour.

Some dc don't have well developed social skills. My dd was often regarded as rude but basically she was like a rabbit in the headlights if anybody spoke to her. Please don't expect adult social skills from 4 year olds. It takes them at least 10 years to develop them. Be glad your dd has better ones. When you have a dc like this the advice is not to force the issue. It makes them more anxious.

Thank you, I was really hoping I didn't come across wrong , I too have had situations to see her unhappy and it does break your heart, and you just want to make it better at the same time as letting them be kids and learn differences, and although I can't speak to my daughter about her situation at the time I do speak to her. Like tonight at bed time I told her it would be really nice if she played with the other girl as she really wants to be her friend. So I always speak to her just not publicly. If I saw at drop of a girl ignoring my lo and not wanting to hold her hand I would of still be upset because it's hard to see, however my life is normally on the other foot so I try and tell people as everyone thinks she's rude or spoilt and she really isn't

Willyou, I know I’m putting my spin as an adult onto this situation and I’m sure it isn’t such a big deal to my dd, it just made me feel so sad for her earlier. Her little face looked so upset and worried. I’m trying not to say anything else to her about it, and certainly won’t mention this child’s name to her as I don’t want her to see it as a bigger issue than it is. I’m sure it will blow over soon.

Savannah, it sounds like such a difficult situation for you but you sound very level headed about it. I hope I can be as level headed as you. I don’t want to forget that there is another little girl in this situation who is also anxious so I will tread carefully. I understand now why people say you never stop worrying about your children!!!

Tbh, this isn’t even really about the other girl (child B) as this child could be any child. It’s more about me being able to prepare my dd to deal with this through understanding as well as actions. I want her to know her worth and not put up with being treated badly by other children. Her cousin is always hitting her and she just stands there and takes it rather than retaliating or telling him no. We keep telling her what to do when this happens but she just won’t tackle it. We need to work on her confidence rather than trying to control those around her.

It's painful to watch. But with all those disappointments they learn something.

I know right, when your pregnant everyone says, aww there going to be so cute, not the years of worrying and teaching them about the world!, and trust me I have my days and it's a struggle a lot of days, but like you say all we can do it to teach them as best we can, my battle is the other side as getting her to play with the other child as at home she tells me she's nice and she likes her, and your advice is spot on, to teach her and don't try and control around her because I wish I could life would be so much easier, it's so difficult with the confidence my lo the same but if I'm not there and someone pushes her or hits her she will not tell anyone, she won't cry she will hold it in until we are home, definitely something I'm trying to work on to, I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but I know i will try everyday to help her grow into a confident, friendly happy child, the day to day lives of this age children actually amazes me the ups the downs, the life of a 4 year old!

It’s still early days for forming friendships. The children are all still finding their feet at school. I know this is often suggested on MN but please try to invite a couple of other dcs for play dates to help your child widen her social circle.

It's such a tough one to explain. My reception age son is a bit immature socially and speech wise (although thank goodness I am starting to see an improvement). But he also would blank other children when they said hello to him. If he does play with the other kids, he is just Uber silly. So it's not uncommon. Hopefully your daughter will be able to make friends with at least some of the other children instead?

Thank you, MissEliza and venys. I know I shouldn’t be worrying this much about it. I just felt so very sorry for her when I saw her reaction to being ignored. It doesn’t help that I’ve just had a baby so my hormones are still up and down, plus I’m very aware of the big changes in her life at the moment and school is one place I want her to feel settled and calm. Seeing her being treated like that made me feel sad for her and I’ve been worrying about it ever since. I know it will calm down and I’m actively encouraging her to play with other children and get to know those she doesn’t know so well.

I will organise some play dates for her- thanks for the suggestion. I’m also looking to send her to a local drama type class which aims to build confidence. She’s so confident when it comes to the academic side of things yet so anxious when it comes to the social side. She’s still finding her way and I want to help her as much as I can without dominating her and her decisions. I didn’t think I’d ever be a cotton wool mum but I honestly wish I could wrap her up and keep her close to me all the time (although I’m sure we’d drive each other mad!).

I’ve had lots of great advice and insights on this thread so thank you to everyone. You’ve made me feel much calmer about the whole situation

Oh I totally understand your feelings Op. However I do think it’s really important not to show dcs that you’re upset. They’re more likely to brush things off if you do.

When ds1 was in Foundation we were living abroad and he had to take a school bus. For the first couple of months, he brought me a flower he’d picked off a bush beside the school gates. Then he stopped and I asked why. He said I got you the flowers because I had no one to talk when I was waiting to get on the bus. Now I’ve got a friend to talk to I don’t have time. Of course I had no idea he was standing by himself and if I did,I’d have been sitting worrying at home! Thank goodness I didn’t know! Kids do (usually) sort stuff by themselves when left to it.

Oh that’s so sad but I’m glad it had a happy ending, MissEliza. I’m sure it would have broken your heart had you known about it earlier.

My dd hasn’t said anything to me about any concerns she has so unless she mentions it then I think I’ll leave it and just observe from afar. I don’t want her to pick up on my issues so I’m not going to say anything else. I think she’ll be fine. I’m obviously not giving her enough credit to sort this out. I also know I’m projecting my feelings onto her which I don’t want to do. She’s a happy little person and seemingly well liked by her classmates so I’m sure it will work out well in the end. Thanks again for your comments. It’s really helped me feel less concerned about this issue

Glad to hear it Op.