Dd is miserable. Is nursery to blame?

[mrsnec]

We are not in the UK. There are no mother and baby groups here. I have no friends with children. I am a sahm.

We recently decided to put dd. In nursery. To prepare her for school which will be in the native language here not English and to help integrate with other children her age. The only place she can get a place will only take her from 8-4 every day. She has just turned 3. I am worried she might be burnt out. They are teaching her in both English and native language here but there are other children speaking other languages too.

Since she started she won't eat anything when she comes home. She has tantrums and has regressed with the potty training. She asked for the potty 5 times in 2 hours last night and I still had to change her clothes twice.

She's moody and in the mornings she tells me she doesn't want to go to school but won't tell me why.

Mil and dh are doing the drop offs and pick ups and are telling me dd loves it there but the staff don't seem to say much and she doesn't seem to have made friends. I am going this week to see for myself but how long does it take for a child to settle in?

Also feel a bit torn. Mil was very pushy over it but my dm insisted it's too early. I thought I had nothing to lose by trying it but I hate seeing dd out of sorts and worrying if she's ok.

She has an 18 month old brother who has adapted well to her not being around but he does ask where she is and it's nice to concentrate on him sometimes.

What would you do?

It is longer than school I get that but none of you would have a problem with it if I was sending her there because I had to work. And yes I think I am just looking for reassurance. Lots of people are enthusiastic. Even our paediatrician said it was the right thing but yes I'm concerned for dd's wellbeing and want to know when the right time would be to call it a day if it isn't working.

I have since found out she's having 3 meals there so food is not a concern now and she was happy last night and went easily this morning it's just the point training that's still an issue I just need to find out what is bothering her.

Just send her in half days and gradually increase. Don't send her in for full days just because you are paying for them. You are paying this kind of money anywayso making her do full days from the start is the weong kind of budgetting.

We live abroad and only speak English at home. My older children started school in another country so they were adaptable but my youngest was 18 months when we came here. I was encouraged to send him to nursery at 2. School days are short here from 1-6 anyway. He cried for months, not days or weeks but actual months. We tried everything, his dad took him, I took him, his grandma or big brother, it didn't matter. In the end the school let me stay with him in the classroom because he was too distressed. So calming down by the car is a bonus. Eventually he was going alone and he's 5 now and loves nursery, he won't start school until he's 6 so he still has one more year at nursery and he's fully bilingual and really ready for school. If I'd delayed it he would have had to learn the language at the same time as he started learning to read and write, that's never a good idea because children cannot learn to read unless they have a vocabulary to read from. As you've started putting her in for so many hours, I'd say give it more time. You're already further ahead than I was when my son was three weeks in.

Thanks Lino that's encouraging. And I do need to get past the value for money aspect as some have suggested we will absolutely reduce her hours if we have to.

I do worry about the language aspect. We are talking about a very difficult language to learn and one with a different alphabet too so I do worry it will be hard for her.

And yes they have said we can stay with her but when she's there we've never needed to.

With a different alphabet is even more of a challenge. Presumably they will start learning things at nursery or is it all play? As she's so young it will be no harder for her than any other child in school. Even older children can adapt within months, I have experience of that.

She is being taught sometimes it's a mixture. She isn't actually learning though!

For example once a week they do crafts and they are themed around the season. She came home with a model of an apple core and some apple cake and I said that's a Milo here and she said "no mummy it's an apple'

I think she's tired and overwhelmed it's not necessarily that she doesn't like it.

53rdway who made you the MN police? If you bothered to read other
Posts you will see many others are in agreement with my point of view.
The OP does not live in the UK in most countries the age children start school is 6 years old.
This little girl is 3 and in nursery longer than the normal school day. OP stated it was to prepare her for school which is probably 3 years down the line

This little girl is 3 and in nursery longer than the normal school day. OP stated it was to prepare her for school which is probably 3 years down the line
It's pretty clear that by 'prepare' OP means 'learn the language of the country in which they are living and in which the DD will be educated when she starts school'. That seems eminently sensible to me: easier for her to pick it up when she's younger, and much easier I would have thought than having to start school with no knowledge of the language. Yes 8-4 is longer than a standard school day, but it's shorter than the hours a lot of children do at nursery. 8-6 Monday to Friday would be minimum if parents work full time.

OP, it sounds to me as though it's very early days. Given the very good reasons for sending her, FWIW I'd persist. She sounds tired, understandably, so I'd definitely consider picking her up earlier on occasion and try to keep weekends nice and low key. I wonder as well whether if you can do some drop offs/pick ups and get to know the nursery/staff, you'll feel a bit more reassured about everything. It's tough if you're not the one in direct contact with them.

Talk guidelines, Posh, talk guidelines. This isn’t stick-the-boot-in-at-all-costs AIBU - it’s meant to be for support. You’ll notice I suggested taking the child out of full-time nursery too, but managed to do so without accusing the OP of ignoring her child’s upset and calling her “dreadful”.

Well I was unsure where to post. A bit wary of aibu and the ex-pat boards can be quiet I know that under these circumstances the best advice is always from those in similar circumstances or who have had similar experience.

But yes early pick ups, getting to know the staff and low key weekends are all do-able.

I have sacked the idea of signing her up for swimming for now and we can plan weekend activities depending on how she is. We took her to soft play last Saturday morning and she presented me with her shoes and told me she wanted to go home after about an hour!

How much of a settling period did she get? Many UK places have at least a week of this e.g. one hour and mum stays on the premises the first day; two hours and snack time the next day etc

On the first day we were told to stay as long as it takes. But she walked straight in sat herself down and started drawing straight away. She did until 1 for the first week with a day off for a national holiday and then full time from week 2 although we picked her up at 2:30 on Friday to see if they minded an early pick up. So yes it was full on fairly quickly.

She came home with a model of an apple core and some apple cake and I said that's a Milo here and she said "no mummy it's an apple'

That's normal, I get told that sort of thing all the time. My son will only not translate if he's talking about school specific terms which he can't translate or doesn't know the English term, like classroom monitor, teaching assistant, head teacher etc. It doesn't mean they used the English in the classroom. Unless they think it's easier for her and then I would chat to the teachers about making sure she's being exposed to the language as much as possible. I found some people used my son to practice their English or used English because they thought it would be easier for him, I didn't need to talk to the school though because he usually ignored them or said he didn't understand them

Yes I'm not sure how much of the local language she is even being exposed to there. Local children are taught English very young. Its very widely spoken here and possibly the reason why dh and I have been so slack learning the lingo! Anyway staff speak to dd in English and the children of other nationalities there ( Russian and other eastern European countries) are spoken to in English but this is the same island wide.It is possible they are doing that lingo but we have a client with an older dd who went to this nursery who is half English and half serbian and she successfully made the transition but every child is different.

Also re settling in, before dd started she was on the waiting list for 6 months and during that time had several visits there when she was with mil.

I'm pretty sure that I was an expat child in the same country as you are now. Allthough I went to english speaking schools and clubs. Because I was Dutch that was my focus language. A third language with another very different grammar didn't fit me so I didn't make an effort with the local language. Kids pick up a second language quite quickly if they want too. Half days for now are fine. Sesame street every evening in the local language and some youtube films (bob the builder etc) will help cement the language at home as well.

My mum learnt some arabic by watching sesame street in Arabic in her thirties. It really helps. Try to make it fun.

That's interesting Black Cat. All my friends who sent their children to English speaking clubs and schools have ended up back in the UK. I did another thread about that ages ago as I do feel it's a choice that has to be made early. Our local private International school would be an option but it's still segregated apparently so therefore pointless.

Occasionally my dc watch babytv in the local language and Peppa on you tube but yes I can make more of a habit of that.

A child at nursery cried and cried for months.. I thought it was cruel and the staff were fab with her
She now loves it. It amazes me every day.
You have to think long term so I would probably pay time and only send part time. Also consider if there are any other nursery options
But she will have to do it sooner or later and preschool is good for kids

Most of the other nurseries near are similar to this one and two of those are full. This one is excellent from a practical point of view as dh drives past on his way to work and mil lives a 5 minute walk away and the owners have known our family for years.

My other options are the mod run one English only but as civilians it's 1k gbp a month part time.

Or, International nurseries in the tourist resorts. They are a 50km round trip from here in the opposite direction from where dh works and if dd does part time there is nowhere to hang around with ds while dd is there so that distance is too much.