I just need to type this out because I haven't got anyone to talk to at the moment IRL and it's going round and round in my head. I feel like an idiot because my problems are actually quite small, but I just can't seem to get a handle on things and it's making me feel awful.
My 5yo DS needs a bit of extra support at the moment, he's struggling a little bit socially at school, he's very tired and emotional after a long week at school, and he's playing up a bit, and I know, I KNOW that he just needs a bit of extra patience and kindness and love.
But we are all at our limit at the moment, so everything just descends into shouting and yelling. He deserves better.
The problem is that me and DH do not have much time (like almost all parents probably!) we juggle shifts to cut down on childcare costs so we only have 1 day off a week all together and he has to work from home in the evenings and so do I. This is a bit knackering, but doable usually, but his dad is in hospital at the moment and needs a lot of support from him - both physical care but crucially a lot of emotional support. So he is heading over there every evening that he can straight after work, getting home about 9.30pm (visiting hours finish at 8 but it's a long commute), eating his dinner, and then sitting down to do paperwork until midnight or after. He insists on still doing the washing up, but I am trying my best to keep all the other housework/admin stuff off his plate so that he can at least have one area of life where he isn't handling a massive responsibility.
Also, our youngest is a terrible sleeper. So we're all existing on not enough sleep (we are dealing with this and he is improving, but he's only 1 year old so it's a matter of persisting and waiting it out for the most part I think).
And I'm under added pressure at work at the moment too. And his work is extremely stressful right now. And I'm doing all the bedtimes single-handed most evenings, trying to cover all the housework, the innumerable admin-y things, and trying to be extra supportive to DH because he is going through the wringer with his dad emotionally, so he is just so worn out and at his limit, and I don't even get to chat to my husband in the evenings any more and it just makes me really sad. I've been staying up late while he works so that we are at least in the same room at the same time as if I went to bed when I was tired we'd only be face-to-face for about 20 minutes on an average day.
At least we get tomorrow as a family day, although we have to spend it getting new school shoes which tbh is often quite stressful and wearing. I just feel like crying all the time, everyone at work is dumping things on me, i've been overeating and my clothes are starting not to fit, I feel like I'm just under-achieving in every single aspect of my life. I don't have any time to exercise - I mean I suppose I could go for a run tomorrow, but the kids adore family day and will definitely play up if I go out, and that means leaving DH to deal with them and I just don't have the energy anyway.
And the littlest is getting me up for the day at 5am!
DH is having an evening off from visiting his dad next week, but his dad is so happy to see him, and tells all the staff about him and seems to be really depending on him emotionally that it just feels like he's letting him down if he doesn't go. We have no clue when he will be coming out of hospital by the way, he's only been in 2 weeks but it feels like forever, and although he's stopped getting worse he doesn't actually seem to be getting better, and he is very resistant to the idea of leaving hospital.
DH does have other family, but they are all leaning on him and looking to him for support at the moment too. I have family, but they aren't nearby and most of them work so they can't pop in for a short visit or come for a longer visit. I do talk to them on the phone sometimes but I just feel like I'm always whinging and going on about my problems, which on paper are pretty trivial - nobody is dying, we are not facing serious money problems (we're struggling a little bit, but our head is above water and we should be ok), nobody is addicted to anything.... I just feel like crying all the time.
I keep telling myself that I'm going to be really supportive to DH, that I'm going to be patient and kind with the kids, and then something minor happens and I find myself snapping at people and I don't even have the energy to be kind to myself.
Anyway, this has been very helpful to type it all out. If anyone has any tips on becoming a bottomless pool of kindness and patience and not getting in a huff and shouting at my son that if he wants a different pair of socks to wear he can go and get them himself but I'm not his sodding servant while he shrieks that yes I am, and he DOESN'T KNOW WHICH SOCKS HE WANTS, JUST THAT THESE ARE THE WRONG SOCKS that would be much appreciated.