DC with big(ish) age gap

[Needmorewine]

How do yours get on ? DD is 4.6 and we are currently TTC number 2 but with no joy 😞 so it's look like she'll be at least 5.5/6 before she has a sibling at the earliest if w are lucky enough.

Feeling very guilty and worried that we've left it so long but circumstances didn't mean we had much choice. Most people I know have DC fairly close together with all the advantages it brings, id just
Like to hear from anyone who has a "bigger than average" gap & how yours get on ?

I have DS and DD 4 years apart; they co-exist peacefully, with little beyond their dna and address in common. They don't and have never played/hung out together, they're not into remotely the same things (poles apart really) and spend very little time in the same area unless directed by me/dh. Day's out they were/are both interested in...nightmare to figure out!

The plus side is that they don't fight, bicker, argue etc and they neither steal nor wreck each other's property - each will beck the other if there's a problem.

back, not beck.

My DD and her (half) sister are 6years apart and are very close. The older one is hitting puberty so I expect a distancing as their interests diverge. But they have played together a lot till now. They also have a much older sister in her twenties. They all love each other. Of course it is not the same dynamic as siblings close in age, but oersonality also determines whether they get on or not.

I've got 6 years between mine. They get on really well, no sibling rivalry. DD is a lovely, kind, caring, patient big sister to DS. She is incredibly protective of him. DS loves having DD to play with. And they do play together every day.

The downsides are that it's more difficult to plan trips and activities, as DD often wants to do things that DS is too young for (cinema, ice skating etc). However, I suspect that would have happened anyway due to their different abilities and interests.

10 year difference. No real problems.

I think it’s more to do with personality than age gap. My sister is 4.5 years older than me. We played together until I was about 4 or 4. Then we had little in common for the rest of our childhood, wound each other up and generally hated each other. As adults, however (once I was about 17 or so) we became very close and she was became of the my best friends as an adult.

On the other hand DH and his sis are 2yrs apart. They had and have nothing in common, have very different world views, and are only in touch properly because of me (I get on well with her). But they’re not close emotionally in the way me and my sis are.

So close in age doesn’t guarantee anything in the long term!

These are lovely thank you. I do think DD would be a lovely big sister. Fingers crossed it will happen for us.

I'm almost 9 years older than my brother and I just babied him until he was about 10, then he was like a little mate I took all over with me. He's 17 now and honestly one of my best friends, even if he is massively spoilt from being the baby of the family. 6 years between him and our sister and they've always been as thick a thieves!

I have a 5 year age gap through circumstance rather than choice. In the first few years they had very little in common but now the youngest is 10 they get on much better. They have similar interests, a similar sense of humour and that has helped.
I agree with pp that it’s to do with personality.
Wishing you lots of luck in your dream to have another child x

Interested in these view too. DD is 4 and possibly has ASD so we are really unsure how another could ever fit in to our lives. She is so full on and has specific needs. A wide age gap seems the only option to us if any at all.

@Sassenach85 my DS1 has autism and was 6 when DD was born, 7 when DS2 was born. Turns out all 3 (and me) are autistic. There are days when they fight like cats in a bag and there are days where they get on like a house on fire. But they’re a wee team, with enough space and making sure that they’re considerate of each other’s need for space when needed they’re actually a joy to see.

Thanks for that, I do suspect that I have autism and was just classed as a weird kid at school. All of our energy goes on my DD and we don't have any free time. I just haven't reached the point where I can consider adding to this at the moment. But I had always imagined having 2.

@Sassenach85 I only discovered I’m autistic when DD went through the diagnosis process and it was like a lightbulb moment! I too always just thought I was weird, turns out I’m exactly how I should be
I get where you’re coming from, I really do. I hope you can find an answer which is right for you

My DD has changed my outlook on the world and I'm forever grateful. She's a rainbow in a black and white world. But, a change of routine affects her so badly and the whole house suffers. noise etc is an issue. I wonder how people with an autistic child manage never mind with another baby. Do your 3 kids present in diffferent ways? I am in awe! Hats off to you!

Mine are 7 and 6 months. After a few difficult weeks they are best friends. The baby's eyes light up when her sister is there and they play all kinds of games together. It is the most special thing.

I have nearly a 6 year gap with mine.They wouldn't really choose to play together but when I 'make' them they get on well and have a laugh.i find that now the youngest is up a bit we can all do things together no probs,swimming,cinema,park.As pp say,it's personality more than age that counts I think.

@Sassenach85 I love your rainbow analogy that’s beautiful!
Yes they do, DS1 is very rigid with routines, speaks in a monotone and is hypersensitive to noise so good ear defenders and a “hidey hole” (ie our bedroom) is the best way to ensure he is happy and feels calm.

DD speaks with a strong Deep South American accent (we’re Scottish 😂) and is terribly anxious and needs a lot of reassurance about routines and what’s happening next.

DS2 was non verbal until recently, he struggles with meltdowns when it all gets too much and his understanding is limited so it can be hard to explain to him and comfort him.

That said, they’re all funny as hell (obviously I’m biased because I’m their Mammy), they are fiercely protective of each other and do have a lovely bond. I did a DLA form for DS2 the other day and ended up in tears because it felt like I was having to write all the negatives and things he can’t do, when as a Mum all you want to do is praise the things they can do!

There are other things, like DS1 is obsessed with trains and train spotting and can tell which train is coming before he sees it through sound! He’s also very knowledgeable about F1 racing, and researches everything he can find.

DD is a free spirit, she’s feisty, not scared to tell you what she thinks (like me ) and doesn’t give a shit what people think of her or trying to be “cool” because she’s happy with who she is which I love!

DS2 is a wee monkey, his facial expressions crack me up daily and he’s a very cuddly wee soul. He’s fiercely into Spider-Man at the moment!

Your wee girl sounds amazing and she has a brilliant Mum looking out for her

Ah thank you, that actually means a lot. We are at the start of a bit of a scary road and no diagnosis or anything. Thanks for all your input, your kids sound lovely and you sound like their biggest supporter. Sorry to slightly hijack the thread! I think we will wait until she's at school and see how we feel about a baby. She will have a deferred year anyway x

@Sassenach85 it can feel like a scary and lonely road, especially the first time! You sound like you have done a lot of research and are in your DDs corner which is exactly what she needs feel free to send a PM if you want to ask anything (not that I’m the font of all knowledge or anything, just a Mum who has been down the road several times!) no pressure though!
Aye we’re thinking about deferring DS2, he’s only just transitioning into the “big” room at Nursery with lots of support from their amazing staff.

You’ll know when or if the time is right (DS2 was a major surprise conceived 9 weeks after DD and I was panicking but I can’t imagine life without him!) and your wee girl already has a shit hot start with you as her Mum.

(Sorry for the derail OP)

I have a 5 year gap. Dd1 is 6.5 and dd2 18 months. Dd1 is a beautiful big sister and is so patient with her little sister.

I keep dd2 in nursery in the holidays so I still get some 1-1 time with dd1 to do things dd2 can't.

There's no guarantee that siblings will be close, regardless of age. I know twins who have limited contact as adults. Honestly, I probably know more families where siblings don't have fantastic relationships than ones where siblings do.

Of course, a big age gap can work out just as a small one may not!

I have 18 months between my first two, and while they get along like a house on fire, they also fight like cat and dog, and it takes all the strength in the world not to threaten to whip off a flip flop and slap them across the knees when they're bickering in the backseat for the 80th time that week! I don't think fighting is as likely the bigger the age gap.

Good luck, and hope you get your second baby soon.

There is an 11 year gap between my brother and I - we get along well and I loved helping to look after him when I was a teen and he was a tot! My cousins are 7 years apart and also get on well. I have one DS now - not sure I'll have anymore but if I do I reckon a 4/5 year age gap would be perfect.

These stories are so nice. Thank you.

12 years between my two. DS1 was fantastic when DS2 was born, such a big help and I had no worries that DS1 or DS2 were missing out on anything as DS1 was so independent and I could still have 1:1 time with DS2.
DS2 is 2 now and thinks DS1 is the best thing ever. There is no arguing over anything.
The only difficulty is finding activities they both like to do but truthfully DS1 was starting to not want to do family days out before DS2 was born anyway.