I feel like im going crazy!

[BR1007]

Hi everyone.

So long story short, my husband works shifts and friends and family live miles away so i have a lot of time alone with the little one. Our son is 4 months old and the pressure of looking after him (mainly alone) 24/7 is driving me insane! Of course i absolutely adore my baby, but sometimes i can feel so overwhelmed. When my husband is on his days off, he doesn't like the idea of helping much as that is his 'rest time' from work, and he says as i am on maternity leave, looking after the baby is now my 'job'.
At the moment, DS is particularly clingy (4 month development leap im guessing?) and i feel like my head is going to explode! Doesnt ever want to be put down, and if he is he just screams the place down....making even going for a wee impossible!
I think i just need a vent!! Is anyone else in this position?
I accept all of the pressures of being a new mum, i didnt expect it to be an easy ride lol but i guess i just hoped for a little bit more help? I dunno, maybe hormones are taking over and i just need to man up lol

Rant over!

If your husband thinks his time at home is rest time, ask him when you are supposed to get a rest.
Yes looking after the baby is your "job" but he cannot expect you to work 24/7 - I presume he doesn't?!
And doesn't he want to spend time with his baby?

I dont think he has had our baby longer than an hour or two, and thats on rare occasions. Yes he enjoys cuddles and spending time with him, but he will have his cuddle then its back to mum because hes got 'stuff to do' or wants a rest.
Even getting a shower is a huge task, and even thats rushed because im 'taking too long' if i god forbid blow dry my hair.
I just feel like im banging my head against a wall and i get no rest time at all.

I'm sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed but I don't think you are unusual in feeling that if it makes you feel any better.

I think your husband needs to understand your need to have a break. It would be completely reasonable for you to have a day off when he's not at work. Get out of the house for a few hours.

Having a new baby is a strain on a relationship. Maybe he just doesn't understand your need for a break?

It may be worth talking to your HV also just to make sure you're not showing signs of post natal depression. Also, are you going to any mother and baby groups? A good way to get support and meet people. Good luck!

I think your husband needs to step up to be honest. Just because he works, doesn't makes it acceptable to not help out around the house or with the little one. Your job is 24/7. I've had this argument with my other half before. Sometimes I think I would love to go to work for some 'me time' and to see people etc. My other half does bugger all around the house but helps a lot with the kids which helps.

It's hard I know, it will get better x

My DH has only looked after baby a couple of times on his own - as she's BF and a bottle refuser! But we split childcare when he's home as far as possible. DH does most of the nappy changes on evenings and weekends, he gets her ready for bed, does baths - would it help if your husband had a specific job?
This might not be a helpful question but had you discussed this before the baby arrived?

I think your husband is out of order by saying it’s ‘his time to relax’ on his days off! He happily made that baby with you so he should be there for you more with helping out etc. Let you relax in the bath or let you go out with friends while he has the baby. Yes being a mother is a 24/7 job but also you need your own time to ‘relax’

Speak to your HV and see what advice she gives you.

Your husband is being a dick.

It annoys me so much reading posts like this.
He who creates half a baby can bloody well do his fair share by looking after both the baby and you when you need it.
Working full time you get lunch breaks and coffee breaks amd time to sit on the loo.
Caring for a tiny baby affords you none of those privileges.
The hours are much longer.

Ask him politely to man up.

As wise MNers often point out, the only fair arrangement is one by which you both have an equal amount of rest time.

If he finds looking after the baby doesn't count as rest time, then it doesn't count as rest time for you either.

Absolutely what cory says. If it isn't work for you, then it can't be work for him, either.

oops posted too soon. And of course it is work. And of course you both need rest. If this carries on you could get ill and that would help nobody.

Please sit down with him and discuss this with him or he will carry this on all the way through your married life and you will always be left to look after the children.

Tell him you want to have a chat about how things but do this sometime that you are not exhausted so maybe say on Sunday morning that in a couple of hours it might be nice to work out a plan - definitely not when he gets home knackered from work on Friday night when you will be feeling frazzled and emotional. You may end up having the chat there and then (so don’t even suggest it when you are knackered).

Try and have worked out what your day entails and when there is genuine rest time. He may well say that the baby sleeps in the day and that you get a rest but when does he think the laundry/ironing/cleaning gets done? I used to have a snooze hour when I had new babies (same as a lunch hour really!) but that was pretty much all and then it was back up and at em for the rest of the day.

Remind him that yes it is your 9-5 job, but in the evenings there are two of you. You both deserve some rest time so the extra 5pm-9am job that has appeared in your lives has to be shared.

I made the mistake of not accepting help when it was offered, thinking it was so much easier to do it myself. He just stopped offering after a while and and then it just got habit that he wouldn’t help. Now I am always stuck with kid related chores.

Hopefully if he can appreciate that you have a full day and that it’s not finished when he gets home that there is a need to step up and help out. I reckon a lot of blokes genuinely think we do bugger-all when our babies are new. That we just sit on the sofa and coo at them all day.

Give him some specific roles- if it’s just to do the bath whilst you do something else- that way you might both get to sit down together once you have the baby down.

If you aren’t sure where to start just try writing down for a week all the things that you do do that you can get an idea of what needs to be done so that you can get an idea how the evening role might be shared.

My heart goes out to you. I’ve been in your shoes. Still in your shoes. Added to it is the fact that I have a step daughter as well and my husband’s isn’t away so I have to do his cooking and cleaning and take his daughter to school etc and yes I’m a full time student as well. This led to post partum depression for me.

I just want to ya to you that trust me... it gets better with time.

Same boat and similar age (4 1/2 months) my DH looked after baby whilst I had a bath (40mins) stormed into the bathroom to let me know I would not be able to return to work after MAT leave because he couldn’t cope. (We’d planned for him to have DC on his days off and I would work, to cut down on childcare costs) it’s so frustrating!

I hope you laughed out loud at your husband Doughnuts. What a primadonna! Perhaps if the baby had vommed on his best suit whilst he was rushing out the door to an important meeting, then perhaps, just perhaps, he would be justified in saying that??

Its bloody hard having babies. I feel like I’m
only just coming our the other side and the youngest is 5yo. Just tell them how you feel. And try to stay rational. Me, I wasn’t so good at that at the time.