Coping with toddler and newborn

[Thenappyassistant]

Hi, this is my first ever post. I have a 5 week old baby boy and a 2 year old little girl. I’ve been a sahm since my daughter was born. My oh works and commutes so is out for 12 hours a day and I’m finding it so hard with 2. I feel like I’m forever fighting fires..: I find it hard to decide who to deal with first for things like feeding, nappy changes, tantrums and tears. My newborn has been diagnosed with a cows milk allergy and has been on the new formula for 2 days. He is still really unsettled and wants to be held all the time then I feel total guilt as I am not able to deal with my toddler properly. It’s jsut like Groundhog Day everyday. I have lots of friends and family who have been lovely. I feel like a failure not being able to cope and just wonder when will things get easier and is it normal to feel like this???

I love my kids to bits but Jesus it’s so hard. My OH thinks I’m on the edge of a breakdown but I’m honestly not. I just don’t have a moment to relax or switch off or reset but I feel like a failure needing that

Try and get yourself out. My DS2 was 18m when my DD was born and I was struggling after having a section. I had an absolute awful six months, nothing serious but plenty of illness etc with the kids and it felt like I would never get any fresh air again!

Walking with the pram helped me loads and pushed and invisible reset button and I came home with my thoughts organised. I think that was my main problem, my thoughts were muddled so I was getting flustered and affecting everything else.

PS make sure you moisturise your hands often, two lots of nappies = lots of handwashing and during the winter months it made my hands so painful!

Sounds really tough. Have you got any friends or family who can help out a bit? Otherwise maybe some toddler and baby groups might be good to chat to other muns.

I know it's always trotted out on here, but a stretchy sling saved my sanity in the early weeks. DD would doze in it while I saw to dd1. I kept it on all day and pulled DD in and out of it as required.

Now that she's 11 weeks I don't really need it.

Thank you so much backboiler... I was actually thinking I need to start getting out for walks but the stupid thing is I’ve still got a lot of baby weight to lose and my coat doesn’t fit me properly so was putting me off! Just an excuse though as I have lots of jumpers and scarves etc so can wrap up in them and walk extra fast!

I’ve got the same problem with my hands. Have found the only cream that is strong enough is Nivea but it’s reallt greasy!

X

Ginunicorn thanks so much I do have lots of lovely fiends and family who have been so supportive and helpful but I’m a bit of a fool and never except a lot of help as I always feel like I have to be the one helping people. I hate putting people out. Suppose I need to swallow my pride and accept more help and ask for it when I need it xx

Please do! It's tough with a newborn and needing a bit of help and support doesn't make you a failure- it makes you human. X

Hi Bellybean, I do actually have a baby carrier but our little girl had severe hip dysplasia and has had operations, casts etc so we were advised by the doctor not to use a baby carrier until it’s confirmed at 6 weeks ultrasound on our sons hip that he doesn’t have it. It’s a shame as I can imagine being hands free really really helps! Xx

It's really hard isn't it? my two DSs are now 10 and 11 (they have an 18 month gap) and I can tell you the first year is the most challenging.

My tip is: cut as many corners as you possibly can. Don't give them both baths every day, just every other day. Order food online. Batch cook and freeze. Get a tumble dryer. Co-sleep if you can. Get a really good sling, and a really good double buggy so you can go out for walks. get a cleaner if you can afford it. Eat well and regularly. Buy a big box of chocolate for yourself. I can tell you, it does get easier.

My children are the same age and I wrote a very similar post very recently. I think you just have to take each day as it comes and see getting through it as an achievement. But it is so exhausting.

You are at a definite low-point. Totally normal. Five weeks of sleep deprivation + toddler and new Mum guilt.

Honestly, it won’t always feel like this.

For now though just try lots of toddler tv, easiest outings you can manage (soft play, park, cafe type stuff) and try using a sling so you can tuck your baby up whilst getting on with other stuff, including a few things to help your dd adjust.

You’ll get there. Everyone feels like this. Just hunker down and do whatever it takes to ride this (short) phase out.

Definitely get out of the house lots. When my ds was born (now 8 months) my two girls were 4 and 2. Its was exhausting at first and even though it was tiring going out a lot it helped. Tired the girls out and at places like softplay I got a brew. Also meant the house not getting trashed as often.

Just a supportive 'I've been there' message. You're in a tough phase as the adrenaline of new baby has worn off, toddler has well and truly realised that the baby isn't going away and you're knackered. It. Will. Pass.

Mine are 2.5yrs apart. Looking back I don't know how I did it. But little by little it will get easier. And then harder and then easier again. The older one will only get easier I found. But then the younger one becomes harder as they develop into a toddler.

Focus on the positives, there will come a time soon enough when they will entertain each other. Which is very cute! And handy as it frees you up a bit. Keep going, you'll be ok.

I am in the same boat but a few months down the line my youngest is 9 months now and I have a 17 month age gap

It’s really hard you are not alone. Every day is survival at first but it is getting a bit easier and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel even if we do seem to be watching a lot of kids tv to get through the day!

Another 'been there and it gets easier' post. My eldest wasn't quite 17months when the youngest arrived. Leaving the house each day is honestly the best thing we did.

I invariably left with 2 kids screaming in the pram, but within five minutes calm was restored. Playgroups, walks, coffee etc etc. The house was a disaster zone when we got home for lunch, but the fresh air did everyone the world of good.

I got the pram/bag ready the night before, so could literally feed baby, change nappies and shove them in.

You'll be fine and it'll be fine. The baby won't have any memory of being left while you sort out the toddler, and vice versa.

Mine are nearly 4 and 2.5 now, and best friends. They do bite/kick/etc each other now and again, but mostly get on famously. And husband and I feel pretty smug when they play quite happily together and we can have a quiet coffee 🙂

I’m afraid I don’t have any advice but wanted to reply in solidarity! I could have written your post - I have a 2 year old DD and a 4 week old DS and feel exactly the same!
Some days (rarely) I feel on top of the world and manage to run errands, do fun things with the toddler...but that’s maybe once a week, if that! Most days I rely far too heavily on TV to keep my DD entertained and it’s a struggle to get us all dressed let alone out the house!
Today was one of the latter sort of days - I felt like I was constantly being pulled between a toddler who was desperate for attention and a baby who wanted to cluster feed all day. I’m having to learn to readjust (i.e. lower!) my expectations - I’m learning to accept that I will probably never get to the bottom of my to-do list, and I’m having to learn to say no to extra things more than I used to.

I have a three year old and an eight week old, both boys. It's so hard. DS2 needed surgery after birth and is consequently a really needy baby who wants to be held all the time. In my head I've accepted that it's survival mode until Christmas so all previous rules about TV etc have gone out of the window!

I'm surviving with chocolate and a bath every evening when DH is home and DS1 is in bed.

My mantra was "if only one is crying, you're doing well"
DH's question was always "is everyone still alive" which set the bar nice & low!
If you have friends with similar aged children - or one with a toddler - try and meet up with them as then the toddlers can entertain each other and
you can just cuddle & feed the baby.
We came up with a couple of ridiculous games. One was that, whilst I was sat feeding on the sofa, I would give DD silly errands like to go to the playroom & get a toy carrot before I counted to 10; another was that I sat on the sofa & threw a soft ball and she was my dog and had to fetch it; we also did loads of imaginative stuff (which I'm usually cr** at) about pretending we were going into space and were putting on our space suits etc. DD also created an imaginary friend at this stage which really helped as she'd chat and play with them for 15-20mins at a time whilst I worried about her