Can't cope with newborn

[Anonymum123]

I can't believe that I am creating a post like this, my baby was so wanted and I'm so glad that we have her but...

My anxiety levels are just through the roof and I feel like I can't manage. We had a very traumatic birth and she was unwell which has not helped. She's now 3 weeks. I am just so worried about every thing- I worry she's not eating enough, I worry before we go out in the car that she will scream the entire journey (which she only occasionally does), I dread bedtime knowing that she might not sleep well and I'll be up with her, i dread the evenings in general as she is always so unhappy between about 5-9pm... tbh I dread whenever she is awake because she tends to be grizzly whenever she's awake.

My other half is fantastic and currently carrying both of us along as I am just a panicky mess but he goes back to work soon and I just don't know how I will cope.

I don't feel like I have bonded with my baby and sometimes I wish she was just gone for a while... and whenever I do have time awake from her i find myself dreading when she gets back as she will probably be screaming...

I feel horrendous for feeling like this. I can't see things getting better. I really need to hear that they will...

Poor you - congratulations on your little one! Do you think you might have post natal anxiety - you sound like you recognise that it is mostly anxiety causing your feeling unable to cope? It's a very common reaction to a traumatic birth. If so, can you discuss with midwife/HV and find out what help you can get for this? I had post natal anxiety after DC1 that was well established by 5 weeks, so I don't think it's too early for diagnosis and treatment if that's what you need. Are you sleeping? If you can't sleep even when baby is asleep, that is also a classic PNA sign.

Don't worry, you will get through this and things will get better! Do you have any help or at least company from your mum/dad/sisters/friends planned for when your partner goes back to work? Do talk to the HCPs though, if you can get your anxiety levels reduced the actual demands of your baby will definitely seem more manageable xx

You can cope, and this phase will pass. Definitely talk to your GP/HV about your anxiety though.

Some of this is easier if you just accept it and don't try to change it - newborn babies want to feed/snuggle all evening, so set yourself up on the sofa and watch some TV while your partner makes dinner and brings you drinks. Yes, she will need to feed frequently at night and wants to be close to you, I found cosleeping for the first few weeks maximised sleep, there was no point in battling my babies to sleep in a cot as I'd have been up all night. I always fed mine at the first peep, if I couldn't eg in the car I popped a dummy in.

This is such a normal way to feel OP, I thought I was the only one feeling like it until I got chatting to some mums at a PND group. They all were going through the same as you...as was I. It get's better, bit by bit, honestly! I think it may be worth having an honest chat with your Hv...i pretended I was fine to begin with as was worried about my hv's reaction but when I did spill the lot to her eventually, she was fantastic and so,so supportive. She got me into the PND group and is always available for support.
Please don't despair or think you're alone because you honestly aren't

Hugs OP. It really will get better. This bit is so hard, no matter how wanted your baby was or how ready and prepared you thought you were. Keep going. I promise it gets easier until they’re teens, then you’d sell your soul to go back to these days again.

Congratulations on your new arrival!

I have 3 children and went through traumatic delivery. Looking back I was so hard on myself in the early days.

Speak to your health visitor(I know there are some who are useless but there are some bloody fantastic ones out there) my hv managed to put some of my concerns to rest and have tips and encouragement when I was struggling.

Baby is 3 weeks so very early days. Is baby producing enough wet and dirty nappies?
Could baby have reflux?my 2nd child had reflux and used to scream for what felt like forever and I just wanted to disappear.

The mantra 'this too shall pass' was printed out and placed in the kitchen and I kept repeating it to myself when I was struggling.

You sound like me 8 years ago! You’re suffering the effects of a traumatic birth, adjusting to being a mum, sleep deprivation, hormones... it’s a perfect storm and I’m not surprised you feel this way. It’s totally understandable, and temporary. Let your GP and/or health visitor know. Discuss your concerns about your baby and let them know how YOU are feeling. Post natal depression and anxiety are common enough but if you’ve had a difficult time of it, often times it’s inevitable.
I was prescribed anti-deps for the anxiety (which was awful and like you used to dread being alone with my baby) and got some counselling. I was also very fortunate to have partner and family support. Just don’t be scared to admit you need a wee bit of help and keep reminding yourself that there’s light at the end of the tunnel! It’s very early days for you too. You & baby will be fine x

Congratulations Anonymum. Try not to worry. That is exactly how I felt and I'm sure lots of others so you are completely normal.

You must let your HV know how you feel. Offload on her, she'll understand. With my ds, I found one thing that helped us both was to put him in a sling, snuggled up warm against me and go for a walk. The rhymthic movement & fresh air sent ds to sleep almost immediately, and the exercise made me feel calmer and less trapped.
Take your DH with you first time, so you feel safe, and always take a phone, but might be worth a try. Good luck x

Thank you for your kind replies!
I am reluctant to tell HV how I feel as I am trying to not let on to Partner how bad I feel, he is obviously stressed himself and I don't want him to have to feel worried about me too, if that makes sense?
I just never envisioned how hard it would be... I feel like I am just trying to survive hour to hour at the moment and can't actually imagine how I am going to get through the next few months.
I'm going to try using colic medicines and see if they help at all, and if not I might ask GP to trial some gaviscon. Not convinced any will work but want to be sure I'm not missing something obvious that could make my life much easier.
Xx

You are doing really well. Remember that asking for help is a sign that you ARE coping. Don't hide how you're feeling from your partner, he will only feel worse when he eventually finds out!
Having a new baby is really hard, especially if you were expecting a lovely easy relaxing maternity leave and you've ended up with a really fussy baby who sleeps badly. It's a massive life change, its like all the things that used to be relaxing no longer are, and the things that used to be effort are what you now consider relaxing!
On a practical note, do you have a baby carrier, and a good travel mug? When you're at the end of your tether, make yourself your favourite hot drink put baby in the carrier and go out for a walk.

Yeah, I felt like that too. It gets so much better that I had a second! It's really normal. I was actually thinking the other day about how awful that feeling is of facing into another night of misery and no sleep. My second was a worse sleeper than my first and yet I never had that feeling with her as I just didn't have the anxiety caused by a) it being the first baby and b) him being ill and in the SCBU for a week. Having a newborn is so so hard. But having a FIRST new born after a trauma like them being ill is a special kind of torture. I agree with others, talk about how you're feeling. That alone may actually help. And if not, there are other things that can help. It'll probably get better with time anyway but it's silly to suffer more than you have to.

Oh my god you have summed up how hideous the first few weeks can be perfectly! I hope it may be easier to tolerate if you realise it really is the same for everyone. Having said that, do have a chat with the HV or GP about the possibility of pnd etc but in the main I literally just gritted my teeth and waited for the hell to pass, whoch it did around 6-8 weeks. You've got this...

Oh the first bit's awful. I felt like I'd gone to war.
I found taking one day at a time and then breaking that up into even smaller sections was the only thing that helped.
Do not, I repeat, do not, think about the days to come.
Too much for the brain to take.

For me it got easier when he started smiling, and you start getting something back, so not long until that happens for you.

You're doing a great job.

If your baby is constantly grizzly and screams in the evening etc consider milk protein allergy, often misdiagnosed as reflux in newborns. If you are FF it is easy to switch to non dairy formula, if breastfeeding cut out dairy from your own diet (the milk protein comes through your milk ) and see if there is a dramatic difference

Good luck

Should have added to my post, another thing that I found made things easier was getting used to using public transport. You can cuddle, and even feed baby if necessary, much easier than the car :-)

Hi op. A lovely midwife told me that if I found myself hiding how bad/anxious i felt from my partner then that was a sign of PND. Its vital for your baby that you get whatever support you need so please make sure your husband and HV know that you are struggling.

It helped me through the newborn days when friends told ne that yes it really is hard! You arent imagining it!

Nature has designed your over active bond with your baby so that you the mum will ensure your tiny babys survival ..leading to anxiety and worry even when nothing is wrong. So be kind to yourself and know it will pass.

Babies are meant to cry they are meant to demand attention and make us worry..the newborn bit is grim and Im happy I never have to go through it again!

PleAse dont hide how you are feeling from people who love you

Also babies are meant to be fussy and grizzly in the evenings its how they feed a lot and increase your milk supply

Please please please talk to your partner!!!! And then if you need to your health visitor and/or GP.

This was me and when I sought help the situation improved almost overnight

Hi. I just wanted to update this in case anyone comes across this on a search, feeling as low as I felt.

Things got so so much better soon after this point. she started feeding better and sleeping better- but really the biggest change was in me and when I relaxed and let myself enjoy it I really did. And then from about 6 weeks the smiling and engagement came in and things got so much better.

I didn’t seek help but in hindsight I definitely should have done, so if anyone reading this feels as I felt then PLEASE talk to someone. Xx

I should add- I’m not suggesting that anyone with PND needs to just ‘relax into it’- I don’t think I ever did have PND- if you do then as I say please get help.

Also, thanks MN for the comments that kept me sane in those tough times x

That's great glad to hear it's getting better.

Ah, bless you OP - so glad it's becoming easier for you. I felt the same after my first: deeply shocked, and desperate to be in control of something! I'm coming up for ten years since that stage, and still remember it vividly.

for you for surviving!

So glad to hear that @Anonymum123 ! Have a wonderful new year with your bubba x

Glad things are better with your baby girl. It is a mamouth task being a parent!

Happy new year!

It will get better the first two months for me and the little one we’re not enjoyable. I was filled with worry, anxiety and dread about everything especially as he was almost in hospital with jaundice which took over 8 weeks to clear! It gets much better he is now 12 weeks laughing, smiling, drinking and sleeping fabulously. Keep strong it will get better!