Terrible mother

[LittleMia]

Please can you give me some advice. I think I'm a terrible mother. I can be so quick tempered with my three children and no matter how hard I try, no matter what reading I do for techniques, it seems always to just be a matter of time before I lose it. And in actual fact, the harder I try, the worse I seem to do.

The result? I have three extremely shouty, argumentative children who do not listen to me UNTIL I lose it.

I feel so pointless and useless. I love my children so much and I'm so scared that they'll grow up and hate me. Inevitably when I read one of these threads, there's always people saying that their mother was like me and now they have no relationship. I also keep reading about Adverse Childhood Exoeriences and how they lead to trauma. I feel like I'm possibly damaging them with my shouting.

I've tried counting and leaving the room and all sorts... I just don't seem to be able to do it.

Please help me. I love my kids and want them to have a joyous childhood. ☹️

Didn’t want to read and run. I feel like this sometimes too. I don’t have the answer but I do know my triggers. If I lose it ever, I do make sure I

Argh! Posted too soon.

I do make sure I go to DC in a calm voice afterwards and explain that I am sorry I shouted and acknowledge I was in the wrong for shooting at them. I then ask if we can do whatever task it might be (tidy away etc) together as a team.

I try to have a chat about why they need to do things when I ask (I.e. clean teeth and put shoes on for school so we are not late), at a later time when things are calm. But it’s hard without it sounding like I am blaming them for me shouting, which I am clear they are not to blame.

I think most parents lose it on the odd occasion. I think it’s okay they see we are human too, they key (hopefully) is trying to role model good bahaviour most of the time and acknowledging to them when you get it wrong...

I am feeling like a terrible mother too this weekend - both DC are going through a horribly clingy phase. Crying when I leave the room, refusing to be polite to anyone else, screaming at bedtime. I feel terrible, like a horrible mother who is raising difficult children.

Sorry - no advice. Just don't feel alone.

You are not alone OP. Especially when you are outnumbered by the kids!

Sometimes looking at the big picture can make it overwhelming. Maybe trying to identify the most important things to you and reinforcing those rules will make you feel that you are getting some control back?

Our two were a bit wild and my husband struggles with his temper so we started with a couple of basic rules which we absolutely enforced and then added more in over time. Our kids are only 4 and 7 and we talk to them about the rules and why we have them. They can still be total horrors but it has massively reduced the areas of conflict.

Keep your chin up xx

Have you read this book?

to talk so kids will listen

Please don't worry about traumatising them. Having a shouty loving mother is not what is meant by childhood adversity.

You're not alone. I really struggled when my dc were younger and have found older children easier to deal with. I shout a lot less than I used to. In addition looking back I think I possibly had postnatal depression after my first child.

Could you be depressed? I had a shouty sweaty mum and have a tendency to get frustrated and shouty with my DC. It gets worse when I am depressed/anxious. I need to take time to myself and exercise regularly to keep my general stress levels in check. This summer it got quite bad so I went back on antidepressants,I now have the patience of a saint

Shouty sweary mum!!

I found daily meditation really made all the difference. Just ten minutes to clear my head keeps me sane every day. I used to shout and get angry all the time, bit now I'm much calmer and can handle the chaos with patience.

I'm the same although I only have 1 child. It makes me feel like a failure sometimes. I am less shouty than I was but I still do shout sometimes and then she cries and it makes me feel awful but she doesn't listen to me at all.

Second How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, or if they're younger, How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen.

It's incredibly twee, and the writing style is arm-chewingly annoying but the basic premise is good. Lots of good strategies to get kids motivated and complying. I was surprised how much I could use the ideas

I also find consciously using a very quiet voice helps both me and them - it slows everyone down and gives me time to think before things escalate

Thanks everyone. I saw my doctor last
Year but she was really reluctant to prescribe Anything. I try to exercise when I can and that definitely helps.

I have that book but found the writing very difficult to get past - perhaps I need to try again and persevere.

And thank goodness you don't think I'm sweaty!!! That would send me over the edge! 😜Xx

Don't be so hard on yourself. Mine only listen when I start shouting aswell. My mom was the same with me & my brothers. Everyone parents their children differently. I usually get 'what's wrong with you' after my outbursts which I say ' if you listened to me the first time I wouldn't have to shout' Being a mom isn't easy. I get stressed easily but I know my kids know I love them and I know they love me. Yes I shout but they are not afraid of me. Also there is lots of laughter and fun to make up for my big mouth xx