Finding it so hard

[Cholcis]

I'm a new mother of a 6 week old girl. My partner is a uni student and spends most of his time at uni, the gym or working at home. I'm struggling with confidence at the moment and feel like i'm losing the will to live. I do all the feeds so that my partner can rest and relax as he settles into university. LO has thrush on her tongue and is struggling to feed so dribbles all the time and it's so frustrating. She's having plenty of wet and dirty nappies but I'm so worried about her. She's gaining weight slowly but the HV is happy with it.

I don't feel confident to bottle feed her in public as she just dribbles all the time. I don't have many friends and don't talk to anyone except my partner and family. it's so hard at the moment and I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty because I get frustrated when she dribbles all her milk down herself. Sometimes I even wish she was older and able to be left to her own devices. Am I a bad mother? Please help :/

Babies are hard. It’s such a steep learning curve. Please don’t be hard on yourself.

My advice? Get out the house. Even just for walks in between feeds if you’re not comfortable. Make small talk with supermarket staff. Staying in the house will not help your mental health. And honestly no one gives a monkeys if your baby dribbles their milk. I’d be surprised if anyone noticed never mind judged.

And your partner needs to step up

Firstly want to offer my hugs - I threw my toys out the pram last night and believe every parent needs to find their support network as it is so tough! But you're doing it and your little girl is gaining weight so well done, you've done that, you're raising a little very demanding human - give yourself credit!

I also have a DD similar age (7weeks) and a DS (2 years) - likewise most of the childcare is down to me as DH works long hours. I'm BFing but DD is very refluxy and sicks up a lot so I do understand the nervousness of feeding in public (is some stranger going to get a lapful of milk as I hold her over my shoulder?!)

Firstly, do NOT feel bad about feeding in public - I'm sure she makes less mess than when she becomes a toddler who you feed when out!! What are you afraid other people are thinking? You're feeding your baby and doing your best to help her, sweetheart you're being her mother and caring for her - how can that possibly make you a bad mother?Get out and feed your DD in public and if she dribbles - she's a baby, count to 10 and relax - if YOU act relaxed about it so will everyone else.

Secondly, have you asked the doctor for anything to help with the thrush? Or asked for advice as to how long it'll last? If you know it'll clear in a couple of weeks then it's a focus as opposed to think 'ugh, she has this forever!!'

6 weeks for both my children has been a tripping point for me - you're out of the high of the newborn stage and sleep deprived - any issues that crop up at that point are bound to tip the scales. I noticed a huge change for the better once the 6 weeks passed as baby started finding a 'routine' of sorts and it all started becoming more normal.

Hang in there, things do get better and your confidence will soar, hope your DD's thrush clears soon

Thank you for your replies.

She's on Daktarin for the thrush but absolutely hates it.

I'm slightly afraid of what other people will think but I'm also afraid she'll just be sick everywhere. She's dribbling too much and i don't know what to do. I'm trying to get out but I live quite far from town and we're strapped for cash as it is.

She seems really unsettled during feeds - breathing heavy, groaning, grunting and squirming all the time. Is that normal?

Thank you for the advice.

It is so difficult with a newborn especially with a partner who is out a lot of the time. Could the squirming whilst feeding be a bit of wind - do you stop at intervals to wind her? I only suggest it because my two used to be like this so I'd have to keep breaking off from feeding to wind them and that helped. Also it's few years ago for me now but I seem to remember that different teats had different sized holes (so there were faster and slower teats) and I experimented with these too until I found the right ones. Hope this helps a bit and good luck - it does get easier.

I do stop at intervals to wind her - sometimes she even does it herself. She brings up a lot of milk at times though. I'm using slow flow teats as when I tried size 2 she just dribbled everywhere and it was worse than what she is doing now.

Two of my ds were dribblers! I find putting a bib on and then tucking a Muslin cloth under their chin while feeding to absorb dribbles helps.
Also have you tried different bottles/teats, is baby on the slowest teat.

Don’t beat yourself up over it, some babies are dribbly and you are doing a fantastic job, it’s hard work but you will gain confidence, please don’t let it stop you from feeding in public, all babies fuss and dribble at times, none are perfect no matter what anybody tells you! We are all just winging it

Sorry I see you are on the slowest flow, maybe a different brand, teats range massively in shape and some babies prefer certain ones, mam are good.

Your partner needs to support you. These early days are so hard! How often does he go to the gym? When do you get a chance to "rest and relax"?

I had at least 2 weeks of SCREAMING and fighting feeds to the point where I just didn’t want to feed him in public. After a doctors appt (oral thrush) an a week of persevering with the medicine all was fine. Anyone who judges you in public when feeding just isn’t worth the time of day. Baby groups are a godsend because everyone’s in the same boat! Good luck.

Also (controversial!) I swapped to fast flow teats when LO was 3 months and haven’t looked back! Feeds a lot quicker and doesn’t need winding as much.

6-8 weeks often is PEAK fussiness for babies... they haven't fully got the hang of feeding or pooing, but they've figured out how to scream! :p Hang in there because it really honestly does get easier. You're really just in the thick of it now.

In my experience, being out with a spit-uppy baby, I got one of two reactions: "ahhh she's so adorable and messy!", or "aww the first few weeks are hard, eh?" No one was ever disgusted or anything but supportive. Give it a shot.

Also your husband needs to help with feeds. It's his baby too. Not only will it give you a break, but it will be great bonding time for him and your LO. Take full advantage! Uni is important, but it's really crucial for him to balance that with getting to know his baby and supporting his partner.

3 times a week. I can relax and sleep in the evenings usually

Anyone recommend any good bottles. We're using tomme tippee closer to nature at the moment.

Genuinely no one will notice your baby feeding apart from thinking what a cute baby/i remember when mine were that little etc.

Buy bibs. Funky giraffe ones are great. Use a muslin too.

I had quite a sicky baby and no one cared even when he threw up all over me apart from giving me a sympathetic look!

Is he doing a degree in physical fitness? If not, then being at the gym is just about him looking after himself- in which case you should have an equal amount of time scheduled in to look after yourself. You have just given birth to a tiny human being: your need to rest and relax to settle in to your new role is hardly going to be less than his.

I'm a university lecturer: I know what kind of input we expect from our students and what we don't expect. Unless he is in the finishing stages of his PhD, he really, really doesn't need to shut out the whole of the rest of the world. Plenty of students manage to hold down a part-time job outside their studies (they have to or they wouldn't eat). Plenty manage to pull their weight at home. What would he do if you fell ill through overwork?

Mam bottles are supposed to be good although my ds3 didn’t like them. I’ve used Avent and also one of my friends swears by nuk.

I found my baby dribbled a lot with Tommee Tippee bottles. I switched to Dr Brown as she had bad wind and the dribbling stopped straight away. I've gone back to Tommee Tippee now she's older and she still dribbles at 5 months.