Am I that bad a mum?

[Becang14]

Hi this is my first ever time posting, just looking for a bit of advice, I feel like I have totally failed at being a mum. All I ever wanted since the age of around 12 was to be a mum and a good mum at that, as my own childhood wasn't the best due to parents and alcohol, but after tonight I feel like I have totally let my kids down, I have a DD whose is 16 and for the past 2 years has been completely going off the rails (behaviour wise not drink or drugs) and is now being watched for anorexia, she also self harms, the way she speaks to her 2 brothers and my DH is ridiculous, she is getting counselling etc for this but haven't seen much difference to be honest. I also have 2 DS whose parent evening it was tonight DS2 age 8 was first and I got told he's a cheeky monkey who doesn't listen and likes to be the class clown and isn't doing what he is suppose to be some of this I know as he has been taking major rage temper tantrums in the house where he flings himself about, DS1 (10) was next and I literally just sat down in the sit and got told he was rude, disrespectful and lazy I actually nearly burst out crying there and then I didn't know what to say I have never felt so little in my life, academically he's doing amazing he 2 years ahead but she said attitude wise he's 2 years behind, I am absolutely devastated and don't no what to do, any advice would be helpful

I think its natural for you to feel devastated, these are your babies. All three of them are clearly having difficulties and for one reason or another are not happy and showing that in their behaviours.

You just need to be there for them, show them that you are disappointed and sat down being told one after the other that their behaviour is unacceptable and how it has made you feel.
Ask them what they think is causing them to behave this way or ask them to write you letter if they wont talk about it.
You need to find a way to communicate without it ending up in a big fight

Becang, i feel for you. That parents evening sounds tough, and ds teen , well, teens are hard work. One day at a time..
Has something happened that is affecting the kids/u all? It sounds like you were surprised by the comments? Wish I had advice (sorry), but don’t be too hard on yourself, you are asking for help, well done

Thank you so much for your replies, I honestly don't know or can't think of anything that could have triggered the behaviour although in the past 4/5 months DD behaviour has been really bad shouting, banging doors, telling me I'm a rubbish mum etc (usual rubbish) so don't know if it could be mirrored behaviour the boys are doing, thank you for the advice of writing letter etc I might try that tomorrow night since iPads and computers are now confiscated for the foreseeable future and see what responses they say.

It maybe hard for a 8 year old and 10 year old to articulate why. I would focus on no more than 2 things they can work on. E.g 8 year old could have to improve his listening. Go old school...every time he listens and responds quickly he gets a bead. Collect a small jar and then trade if for a prize at the weekend. Favourite magazine....time on the iPad. 123 magic has some good ideas. you can turn the boys around, focus on small gains rather than boom and bust. Good luck.

That's sounds good ill def give it a try as at my wits end and willing to try anything, thank you x

Your dss are more than likely acting out as there is so much drama in the house at the moment. Its amazing how dc reflect in school what is happening at home. Being a good mother is dealing with situations as they arise and this is what you need to do now. Life can be stressful at times and you have not failed as a mother because that happened.
Few things. Try not to let dds drama take over the whole house. Give your boys some attention individually. Look after yourself. When my oldest ds went off the rails for a time as a teenager l went into counselling myself and the skills l learn there rippled out to the whole family.
Try to separate your dds issues out from whether you are a good mother or not. My advice is go into counselling yourself. Not because its your fault but because it allows you space to step back instead of being totally sucked up in her drama.
Just to encourage you my ds has completely turned around so this is not the end of the story.

I think I'd call a 4 year old that makes bottom/ willy jokes a cheeky monkey. A 8 year old who is misbehaving and disruptive in class is not a cheeky monkey... I'd be on this like a rocket, otherwise he will be the rude 10 year old. I know so many kids with awful behaviour and mums who say. Ohh he's a cheeky monkey! Really not helpful as it's just excusing the poor behaviour and making them think it's not serious.

I am not excusing his behaviour in any way and it was the the teacher who said he was a cheeky monkey not myself, he does not disrupt the class just tends to act up when he doesn't understand things(teachers words not mine) and as for my rude 10 year old the teacher did say it's not towards staff he just gets ants in his pants during class and talks a lot when his peers are talking/ doing presentations , I am on it just looking for a bit of advice hence the post.