Stranger anxiety and absent parent

[furryelephant]

Hi
So basically my DD (11 months) has terrible stranger anxiety and has since about 4 months. Screams if someone even looks at her too long when she's in the pram, if someone talks to her she bursts into tears and hides into me etc! I know this is all developmentally normal, however!

Her father has seen her twice and is apparently coming to see her in the next few weeks she doesn't know him at all. So she's going to be terrified and screaming and I just don't know how to handle that. I don't want to not remove her from him (he is 100% the type to grab her to hold her without even talking to her first etc) but will that make it worse? I don't want her to feel abandoned and that I'm going to let her be scared

Does anyone have any advice? I'm really stressing about it

Maybe try and explain it to him before he comes so he's prepared? At the end of the day you need to be your child's voice and if that means he can't cuddle her for long then so be it, he should understand that it's just a phase and when she gets more used to him then she'll be happier in his company.

Thanks for your reply!
Unfortunately he just doesn't listen. I told him last time he saw her that she gets very scared and upset and to give her time and he took her out of my arms

I want to advise you to tell him beforehand that this happens on your terms or not at all, make it clear that if he doesn't follow your lead (as DD's mother, main carer and the person who knows best what she needs) he will need to go to court for contact and you will be making a strong case for supervised contact only.

Trouble is I have no idea what he's like (beyond what you've said which doesn't make him sound great) and whether that kind of approach is likely to make things worse rather than better.

That's my instinct though fwiw, to not let him see her unless he's willing to do things the way you know is best for DD. It doesn't bode well that last time he preferred to upset DD rather than take what you were saying on board, as her parent DD's comfort and happiness should come before any issue he might have with you.

Thankyou @Hidingtonothing that is what I want to say to him yes, he is definitely not great at all, luckily i didn't put him on the BC due to concerns back then. He made me feel like I was completely in the wrong for not handing her over and letting her cry to "get used to him" and that is why she just got upset he's very much of the inclination to only want to show her off and act all amazing father and barely ask how she is between his 6 monthly visits.

Do you have any idea whether the court would agree that something like this would be a good reason for supervised contact?

You don't have to involve the courts if he is not on birth certificate. He could always go to the courts and ask for a dna test so that he can be put on the birth cert, but he doesn't sound very pro-active.

That's what I told him he can do if he wants to be on it, but yes I was told about 9 months ago I'd be getting a letter from a solicitor that week. I'm still waiting