6 year old DS doesn't get invited for play dates

[Catbell82]

DS is in year 2 but doesn't really get invited for play dates at his friends houses. He is happy & confident & described by his teachers as being popular. Most of the mums in his class are at school pick up/drop off every day so have got to know each other really well but I'm only there 1 day a week so haven't become part of any of the cliques. It seems that most of the play dates are arranged based on how close the mums are rather than who the kids play. DS has been invited to the house of a boy whose mum I talk to quite a bit even though they don't really play with each other in school but he doesn't get invited to the friends he plays with all the time. I've invited some of them round a few times but the offer has not been reciprocated. It makes me feel bad for him especially when he says things like 'why do I never go to ?? house?' I know i shouldn't but I can't help but take it personally & feel like its my fault as I'm not close to the mums of his best friends. I don't know what I can do about it but I don't feel like I want to keep inviting these boys round if DS is never asked round to theirs....

Don't stress too much OP. People are so busy nowadays...mostly working etc. I don't like accepting too many playdates because I can't and often don't want to reciprocate!

When they get older...9 upwards, they choose their own mates more...the whole thing about Mothers choosing just stops...kids begin to voice their own preferences more.

Have you invited anyone around to your house?

Have you invited anyone back ?

My kids don't get invited to people's houses either - I'd genuinely not thought about it til I read this post. I work full time so can't invite anyone here so I guess that's why...

Why don't posters actually read the OP?

You've answered your own question OP: " It seems that most of the play dates are arranged based on how close the mums are rather than who the kids play."

It will change as they get older. But for them time being, either you accept that's the way it is or you just carry on inviting the kids your DS likes and accept it might take a while to be reciprocated. It's a good way of getting to know the other parents too - invite them in for a coffee when they collect their children :)

So you're busy and don't know the mums, so you suck it up and keep inviting. At some point there will be a return invite.

The mums don't know you or your child and have no idea of his behaviour etc

You have to put in the effort now to reap the rewards later

Donr get hung up on 'fair'

Tricky isn't it, and it's sad when you feel your son is missing out.

I'd try again, focusing your efforts only on two/three children only that you're certain he likes. And ask them round again.

Possibly get a bit of friendly dialogue going by text when you set it up - then some casual chit chat may remind/encourage reciprocity.

Good luck - and don't forget friendships/relationships are constantly in flux years 1, 2, as well as diff children joining school. More opps will arise.

Ah, he's still very young OP. When they are older and more vocal about who their friends are parents tend to have less of an influence on who they mix with. Equally they don't require as much organisation when they are older and tend to sort themselves our more. Mine had hardly any playdates in primary but come secondary has been socialising fine. So I'd say you really don't have to worry. Your child has friends and that is the main thing.

You are probably all making OP feel worse. I have made lots of effort for DD and it's rarely reciprocated. She is more of an introvert. DS who I have made much less effort with is always being invited to things. It feels really unfair. Neither are my fault. Neither is it OPs fault

Thanks for the replies. I think i will try inviting the mums in for a coffee next time one of the boys come round. I've tried getting a bit more friendly with some of them but I'm not very good at making & maintaining friendships (despite never having a problem making friends as a child). I think part of it is that I don't want to DS to grow up to be like me! (DH is the same & doesn't have many friends)

There is 1 maybe 2 mums who we effectively take it in turns to invite round. The rest are quite happy for DC to come to me but don't reciprocate, and this has been the case for a long time.

Some parents just can't manage it, or don't want their DC going to a house they don't know. My eldest DC won't go anywhere that has dogs which is a factor.

Just keep inviting over, that way your DC won't miss out totally.

I personally hate play dates. I realise it's ridiculous but I actually get social anxiety over them! So I invite people as little as possible. It's nothing to do with any of the kids or their parents though!

Keep at it,keep inviting friends round to play even if your ds never gets invited back. Sometimes,especially if you're not at the school gates much ,you tend to just not be on people's radar. So don't take it personally

A couple of the mums have said to me before 'we should arrange a play date. I'll text you' and then didn't mention it again. I don't want to seem pushy by bringing it up in case they just changed their minds...

OP definitely work on the mum friendships! Just invite them for coffee as you say, the plsydates will follow in most cases.

It's a perennial problem for the FT working mum and I wouldn't take it personally. Just keep issuing the invites and have a bit of a rhino hide about the whole thing.

I agree that some people just don't reciprocate, but that it definitely helps to be friendly to the other parents.

I think the best thing to do is to keep inviting a couple of children you and your son both like, and to try to get their parents to come in for a cup of tea and a quick chat when they pick up their sons.

Don't overthink it; just mention what fun the boys had, how they both enjoyed something specific, and how lovely the other person's son is. I used to get (and make) comments like: "Oh when Xxxx is here, they always play peacefully for hours--- today they spent ages making a den in the garden. I am always glad to have Xxxx over to play."

Maybe it sounds stupid to mention this, but you say that you can feel a bit awkward in social situations, so I thought it might be helpful. I know that (all other things being equal) I feel more inclined to encourage friendships with children whose parents seem to notice and enjoy my child's presence, and who take the trouble to chat to me for 5 minutes.

A couple of the mums have said to me before 'we should arrange a play date. I'll text you' and then didn't mention it again. I don't want to seem pushy by bringing it up in case they just changed their minds...

So at that point you say " yes please do that would be great,I'll look at my diary whem I'm home and text you when I'm free and we'll arrange something."

People are busy, you need to pin them down or things don't get arranged.

If you've already swapped numbers you should just go ahead and invite them, they sound like they're friendly