DS (8) being awful - how do I handle it?

[Flugelpip]

DS1 has just turned 8 and is having terrible tantrums/rages that involve shouting at me and DS2 (5) at home and in public, and hitting both of us. He's also just rude in general - every time I ask him to do something he says no or makes a big deal out of doing it in his own time, on his own terms. He's being extremely hard to live with. He is very bright and totally charming/empathetic when he isn't angry.

We've just moved to a new area and he's changed schools/educational systems/house - everything. He misses his friends. He's also missing DH who is working abroad at the moment and back at weekends. I'm trying hard to be understanding but I am failing with disciplining him. He tells me he doesn't care about any of the things I can control, like the ipad. Also, I'm struggling because I rely on the ipad/TV to give me a chance to do things like cooking. He and his brother just fight if they're left alone together, so I end up having to run in and intervene. He's doing fine in school; it's all coming out at home.

I had a terrible childhood - my DM was endlessly violent and abusive. I was terrified of her. I know I am too gentle with my own children. I don't want to let this behaviour slide.

Bump

Does he have any SEN?

Can you find a reflection spot for him? This could be something like the utility room, conservatory etc for him to sit in for x number of minutes to think about why he's in there. I'm wondering if I'm going to be flamed now!

Gosh this sounds like my 7 year old! Do his tantrums follow a pattern? Ds is particularly bad if he is hungry for example or too tired.

I don't think he has SEN but he's sensitive, yawning - plus he takes a long time to settle in to new places and to get used to new routines. I've sent him to his room to read/play by himself which is sort of calming, I hope. He's a massive perfectionist so when he gets something wrong it's the end of the world.

allegretto he's definitely worse when he's hungry or tired or just bored. I think he's understimulated but also challenged by the new environment, if that makes sense, so I don'twant to make him do lots of extra curricular stuff even if I had the energy to organise it

Flugelpip, That's horribly familiar. My 9yo DS did the same. I found myself screeching like a demented woman and then feeling guilty. And it's exhausting. I didn't want to spend my evenings fighting.

On the bright side he's doing it at home, because he feels safe to let rip at home. So you are doing much better than your mum.

Try setting a rule and repeating it over and over. It worked for us after about 4 days. So if DS threw a shoe at me, that's a day without his tablet, if he hit someone, that's another day without tablet. Every time he called me a name that's an extra hour without his tablet.
If he got really bad, the TV remote was confiscated too.

Perhaps buy instant food for a week, keep cooking to a minimum & spend a whole week playing with your DCs & getting a new rule in place. By the end of a week, my DS had worked it out and just the threat was enough to stop him in his tracks.

Good luck x

My eldest is only three but a bit late or that. Just very sensitive. When he misbehaves we make a point of not wanting to interact with him. It seems to work.