Spoiling a newborn

[Summertime10]

Hi everybody, I'm looking for some studies or articles that will help me explain to dp that I am not spoiling DC3 (3weeks) by picking him up when he cries. He's ebf and, understandably, is rather attached to me so will cry when put in his moses basket and wants to feed constantly. I think it's getting on dp's wick a bit that he can't pacify him and he's made a few comments about how the baby instantly stops crying when he's picked up and it's because he's getting what he "wants."
I've explained about the fourth trimester and how babies this young can't manipulate, they are merely requiring a need to be met, but he's just not accepting it and we've had a few arguments about it.
It's doing my head in having the same conversation with dp everytime the baby fusses so I'd be grateful for some back up or official studies to show him so I can give him a swift two fingers and carry on meeting dc's needs.
Thanks all!

Ask your health visitor to speak to him.
Your dp's attitude is actually rather concerning so it is very important to deal with this as a matter of urgency.

Also you could ask the HV for leaflets explaning the importance of feeding on demand in order to establish lactation.

Hasnt your partner bothered to learn anything about babies or breast feeding over the last 9 months?

Thanks. I think his clingyness has come as a surprise to dp as our other two weren't like that. Dp's quite happy to be informed otherwise about why the baby is acting like this and more than anything is just struggling to get his head round the reasons behind it. I think it's more of a miseducation issue stemming from the good old whispers of the older generation about making a rod for your own back and baby needing to self settle. Most annoying!

The rod for your own back stuff doesn't apply until DC is much older! Can DP get his head around that at least?

Not to diagnose over the internet. But you say baby is different to your other 2. Wanting to feed constantly isn't normal. Frequently yes, every 1-3 hours. Constantly, 24h a day, no. Is baby gaining weight etc? Could tongue tie or silent reflux be an issue?

Maybe go to a health professional to rule out any problems, and let DP ask the questions about making a rod for his own back at 3 weeks old.

How about this Swansea University video, which directly addresses the 'rod for your own back' idea? m.youtube.com/watch?v=DagfgMeMSXI&list=PLoflLgxNjBdyr7i2Zx-ArwTEU2PwXWgf4

UNICEF also have some helpful info. E.g. On responsive feeding (what used to be called feeding on demand), here: www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/baby-friendly-resources/guidance-for-health-professionals/implementing-the-baby-friendly-standards/further-guidance-on-implementing-the-standards/responsive-feeding-infosheet/

Tell him to look at the Solihull Approach to parenting. It talks a lot about the importance of responding to a baby's cries in relation to brain development.

I'd disagree with @coolmum actually. Feeding almost constantly (i.e. A new feed beginning one to two hours after the last began, giving only a small amount of non feeding time in between) can absolutely be normal in EBF babies. Of course sensible to check for reflux and tongue tie if any other concerns, but the constant feeding at 3 weeks doesn't shock me.

As for your DP... he needs to speak to your health visitor, or someone other than you, who can explain this to him. Don't try and engage with it any more yourself- you'll only go round in circles and get more and more oppositional with one another.

Does he have a very scientific mind? Would facts and stats on infant cortisol levels when left to cry, the suspected potential for damage to neural pathways etc. be something that he might engage with?

In the meantime, you do what you have to do for your baby, and ignore his outmoded inherited ideas on "spoiling" her.

Congratulations on your new arrival, by the way.

Yes yes to scientific facts! He responds much better to evidence like this. Thanks for all of your suggestions.
Baby was diagnosed with a posterior tongue tie at 6 days old which was snipped privately at 9 days old. We're slowly improving but still dealing with slow weight gain as he gets used to using his new tongue and grappling with me expressing when I have the time, to give the 2 60ml ebm top ups which have been advised.

I don't normally point people towards this as I think that generally this woman is a bit of a sanctimonious twat. However this is probably just what you need to help with your dp.

https://sarahockwell-smith.com/2012/11/04/the-fourth-trimester-aka-why-your-newborn-baby-is-only-happy-in-your-arms/

There are loads of articles explaining the science behaving why baby is happy with mum and how you can't spoil a newborn in this lady's website.

Congratulations on your baby, sounds like you're doing a fab job. It is true, you can't spoil a newborn and you don't make a rod for our own back. It's just bollocks.

I did an online course through work about brain development. I can't remember the name, but basically when babies get upset their cortisol levels rise. However babies can't self regulate and need something external I.e. you cuddling/feeding to bring the levels down. Responding quickly teaches them how to do this themselves. Don't know if I'm remembering exactly but that is the gist.

That's very helpful. Thank you!

OP,

Pure science here, for convincing your DH!
(Though really interesting for anyone, actually).

(Esp. the paragraphs after "Synchrony: the dance between caregiver and newborn").

Congratulations on DC no3.

^ Oops, would help if I actually remembered to link it:
www.developmentalscience.com/blog/2016/3/22/h0p2ycwcw6i2ow3z0pjvr30p8il1sj