Advice on sibling age gaps

[ForeverBubblegum]

Currently have one DS who is almost 1 but know that at some point I want to have a second to complete our family.

However I’m also planning a career change in the near future which will entail two year of training and then at least a couple of years to get established in new job before I’d feel able to take leave. (I know they can’t stop you but I worry how I’d be preceded if I fell pregnant straight away in new job). If I do this then we’ll end up with an age gap of about 6 years which I worry will be too much for them to share interests and play together.

Alternatively I could delay retraining for another couple of years until after we have our second child, but not much more if I’m ever going to do it. We’d need to start TTC in the next few months and then hopefully have an age gap of about 2 years (fell pregnant first month with DS1 so fingers crossed it won’t take long)

This would be initially very difficult as DS would still need lots of care alongside the newborn but would hopefully be rewarding to watch them grow up together. I’d also be pretty unpopular at work announcing I’m pregnant when I’ve only just gone back from leave, but I’d probably go straight to retraining after mat leave so does it really matter if I leave in a cloud of disapproval.

Sorry if I’ve started rambling, just not really sure what to do for the best so would love to hear any opinions or similar experiences.

Thanks

Tough call!!

Is there any chance you can do the training at the same time as working and being on ML? Can you do it through open university or is it not that type of career change? I have been doing a masters level qual whilst being pregnant and on ML with two children - hard but doable.

If not possible I would personally go for the smaller age gap. I have a 2.5 y age gap so not exp of the 6 year but I would think it is the best fit. Wouldn't worry too much about reputation damage with current company if you are set on the career change - surely you won't be the only person who they have had have two kids?!!

I have found the gap of 2.5 yrs hard but manageable. Once I go back to work in a few months I will then be able to focus on my career once again and finish my qualification.

On an aside I would try to get a mentor/coach in your new industry and start networking asap. Set out a career plan and stick to it - you will not regret it!

X

If you opted to have another baby now when you start to retrain for your new career your dc will be around 1 and 2 these means paying childcare for 2 children which is a huge outgoing. Studying and bringing up 2 toddlers at the same time I imagine would be extremely difficult.

We have a 4 year gap and for us it is perfect. Don't know how people do any closer!

Hi Thanks for the replies,

Chosenbyyou – Unfortunately studying whilst on mat leave won’t really work beyond some preparatory reading, my training would need me to go back to uni (Physically not long distance) and if I take a break during it would need to be a full academic year and I don’t think I’d get SMP. Unfortunately my current work place only has 5 people (me, 3 blokes & an older woman) so I’m the only one to (or likely to) take any mat leave, but I think I’ll just have to develop some elephant thick skin for a few months while pregnant then as you say I’ll be gone anyway.

uhoh2016 & SandysMam – Yes it’s the thought of two toddlers that really scares me. Form a financial / Childcare point of view it should be doable thanks to some generous training bursaries and funded 2/3 year old hours but the day to day of trying to stop to mobile babies from killing themselves will be the hard bit.

We have a 5.5 year gap between our DDs, and you're right that it can be tricky to keep them both entertained at the same time. However, they do play together at times, and DD2 is often quite happy to just follow DD1 around, while DD1 is rediscovering some of her baby toys!

And I agree with Sandys, a small age gap would have killed me, but of course plenty of people do it so it just depends on how easy you find parenting (I've never been very maternal and find it all rather hard...). FWIW, my brother and I fought all the time as kids and there's only 2 years between us, so having a small gap won't necessarily guarantee they'll be best buddies.

19 months between my two. I found it much easier because I was still kind of in baby mode when the second baby was born.

I've got 2.5yrs between ds1&2 & 7yrs between 1&3. I found it hard with a toddler and newborn i kind of muddled through the days it's all a bit of a blur but they are close (although they do fight which all siblings do regardless of age gap) they have similar interests and keep each other occupied. 2 close together is hard at 1st but becomes much easier as they get older. They were 7 and 5 when dc3 came along. They don't have any shared interests yet and it's hard to find something that occupies them all. However I enjoyed alone time with baby when the older 2 were at school it's easier just to have 1 in nappies and the older 2 dote on the little one and help out alot with him. Positives and negatives on both sides.

I have a 19 month age gap (2.2 and 3.9 years) and love having 2 toddlers. They play together really well so far. If you can cover the childcare costs we you go to uni I would go for the smaller age gap.

Thank again everyone who's posted, great to heat different prospectives.

I have a newborn and my other child is 3.5 years.

My initial idea about having children was that I'd like two close together in age (say 18-24 months apart) so they could grow up together but obviously that didn't work out and I have the age gap of 3.5 years instead.

This age gap is hard work. My three year old has started attention seeking behaviour and it's just draining trying to manage him whilst care for the new baby too. My son is always wanting to touch and play with the baby, he just can't leave it alone and it's really frustrating. Trying to get the baby to nap is very hard work because of all the noise the 3 year old generates, and even if baby does fall asleep it's not long until the 3 year old has woken him up again. I can't leave them unattended together so if I need the loo, or to make myself a cup of tea or something to eat I have to either take baby or DS1 with me which is a complete pain. I find I spend my entire day telling my toddler no, or to stop it, or to go and play in his room, to get away from the baby etc and it's awful. The day drags and my DS1 makes it hard work!!

Although I initially wanted a closer age gap, now I'm experiencing the hell that is a 3.5 year age gap I wish we'd waited even longer!

I think you need to ask yourself why you want a second child. If it's because you want to have two siblings who are close and share their childhood etc then yes, go for a smaller age gap, otherwise, for your own sanity go for a bigger one....5 years apart maybe so at least your first child is in school when the other one arrives which means you won't be playing referee 5 days a week...

FWIW, i have a 6 year age gap feom my elder brother, and we have always been very close, both as children and as adults. Having seen friends with small age gaps dislike their siblings vehemently, i'm convinced it is down to personality and the age gap is ultimately unimportant. Mind you, we both like our space so not having to share interests was a plus for us

If i start trying for a second on my only realistic time frame, my oldest will be 3.5ish when second is born. Having read the poster above, this now fills me with the fear...

There is a 6 year gap between my sister and I. We were not close at all as children, and only started getting close once she left high school. It's a difficult age gap because just as she was getting old enough to really interact with me and want to play with me, I was moving beyond the "play years" and found her irritating. This sort of age divide continued right through our childhoods.

I have 18 months between DC1 and DC2. I then waited four years to have DC3, but there is only 20 months again between DC3 and DC4. I much prefer the smaller gap, as it's far easier to entertain the two and there have been no issues with jealousy/resentment.

I have a 22 month age gap. It was easier in some ways. People are horrified at the thought of two in nappies but the truth is you're still in the zone so that isn't a big deal. You still have all the equipment, all the clothes....it's a house set up for babies.

Also there was so jealousy or anything. That's not always the case with a small age gap, it's largely personality driven but my first was already in nursery and was used to seeing babies there so that helped.

Another thing that helped is that the first one isn't old enough at the start to be really bossy, they're still very small and can barely talk! And they end up liking the same activities/cartoons etc.

Yes you spend the first year in a fog of exhaustion, but there's a lot to be said for getting it all over with!

I think adding another baby into the family mix is always challenging, regardless of big or small age gap. There are pros and cons to both, and at different stages those pros and cons will change (think everyone in nappies, school drops, activities etc) I think you should let your career /training intentions guide you here. That's the real bigger picture here. The nappies and exhaustion will come and go, your career will be for life hopefully!
20 months between my two, and it did mean I was in a fog for about 3 years in the early days.... But I'm glad that's how we did it now. Best of luck with ttc and whatever decision you make!

Crossed post with Elspeth there, but yes, that was my experience exactly!

I have a 2 yr 1 month gap between my two. I wanted to get all the baby stuff, sleepless nights etc out of the way so had a smallish gap. It was hard having a toddler and a newborn and I also had pnd twice so was hard to cope but I'm still glad I did. They are close enough that they like the same stuff, same tv programmes, films, toys etc. They are 6&8 now and do play well together...most of the time.

Everyone is different! I have 16 months between my two (now 18 months and 2y10m) and the first year of the little ones life was SO hard. I am still in training and currently studying for a giant exam and also working 4 days a week. I think it really depends on how much support you have. My husband works odd shifts and 48hrs per week but helps as much as he can, and my parents are great, so I have been able to manage. It's very hard, but honestly they are so lovely together it really makes my heart sing when I see them together. I think they probably miss out one on one time with either parent compared to a bigger age gap, and the nursery fees are quite high (and if they want to go to uni it'll be tough!), but we are fortunate for this not to be a massive issue. Our family wasn't exactly planned this way but I'm really happy how it has turned out even with a hugely stressful job and career.

In summary there are pros and cons but whatever you end up with will be how it is. If you have enough support though, I think a small gap is lovely.

16months between my two... two toddlers was really hard work, but I’m so glad I didn’t have to stop nappies and then go back to them. DCs are now 4 & 3 and love each other to bits. They squabble, but ultimately get on.

I started work full time when DS was 7months, then part time when DD was about 7 months too. Last year when they were 2&3 I started studying with the OU. It’s been really hard work juggling everything, but it’s doable. I’m one year closer to becoming qualified and loving it!