Son's 17 has houses girlfriend staying over too much

[Patrick1962]

Hi I have a step son 17 and 2 younger children 9 and 10 my wife is happy for my stepson to have his girlfriend stay over overnight or come round and stay till late 11-12at night i find i can't relax at home with a stranger ,non family in the house , also i our younger ones need to have some time without a non family person in the house , I find it difficult to relax and trying to convince my wife that i need time without , what feels like a lodger in the house is stressful to me ,this causes arguments with my wife and the younger ones pick up in this , I have agreed to 2 days a week max with this girl in desperation but this seems to have been ignored and I worry that she will treat this as her house and it is not , I cant do the stuff I used to do to relax , as I feel I never know when I'll bump into her , feel like I can't dress casual .eg shorts no shirt at home as might have this guest in the house , I would like to have a word with her parents to see how they feel , and ask that they respect my right to a house without regular lodges and my right to give my younger children the home i feel they need Eden if my wife thinks it's ok to let her stay when she wants, finally i worry that if a baby arrived they will want to make a home here stressed parent Patrick 1962

I think you need to address the issues you have with feeling such immense discomfort in your home. Feeling you can't dress a certain way is incredibly unusual and extreme.

Do you know why you have such issues?

Ah, casual does not equal shorts no shirt!!! I missed that bit LOL yeah, keep your shirt on

You need to talk to your wife and stepson and agree a compromise

Goodness you need to calm down a bit. What do they do when she is around? Are they in his room or sitting in family space with you? Has he been seeing her a while? You are rather jumping the gun thinking a baby is going to arrive in the mix. Can you tease out what it is that worries you most and why?

Are they both still in s hool? How long have they been together?
Personally I'd be concerned with my school age son having his gf staying over in the week - who is ping their dinner? Do you give her breakfast before school? Who sports her uniform etc

Does sound like you need to sit down with her parents and your wife and agree as it seems excessive at 17

What is it about her that makes you feel so uncomfortable? You sound a little neurotic to be honestly

This is just part of having older children. He loves there and it's his home too. I would try and get used to it a bit more as it will be your two doing it soon enough. As they are so close in age it's going to be crowded!

Lives not loves

This is what 17 year olds do if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend. Your wife won't thank you if you put your foot down over this and her son ends up being at his girlfriends house all the time.

This is what 17 year olds do if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend
Not necessarily. At 17 I had a curfew and boys dont stop over. I had p be up for school every day - presumably like these do, or at least work. He's not 23 and paying rent.

I don't think it's unreasonable not to have the girlfriend around constantly. Twice a week seems perfectly reasonable to me. I agree if they're in school they should be in their own home by 10pm school nights. The OP should feel comfortable in his own home which I assume he pays 50% of the costs for (or more). My daughter is 17 and has lots of friends but she doesn't have them here constantly or she would never be able to get all her school work done - that's her choice. Why is the OP expected to accept a non family member be in his house every evening?

What if the OP had his best mate at the house every night because it's the Ops "home too?" He clearly likes his family time what's wrong with that?

Thats not comparable; the op already has his partner at home. We're not talking about a best mate scenario at all.

Anyway, hope you find a compromise OP.

The point is other family members might not want someone outside the family over all the time. A teenage girlfriend/boyfriend is not comparable to a marriage or permanent partnership either. I know a lot of families with teens and noone I know has a teens boyfriend/girlfriend over constantly. The family should find a compromise but a true compromise that doesn't expect a parent to feel uncomfortable.

17 year olds should be studying so this should be a max of 2 nights per week.
I think it is odd to have her around so much and I agree it would piss me off too.

I agree 2 nights a week is reasonable to have an over night guest whether it be friend or girlfriend. Assuming her parents are ok with her sleeping over at yours, why can t he also sleep over at her house a couple nights a week?

I totally get you OP. YANBU. When I have guests I do behave and dress differently.

Talk to your wife. More importantly, why is she spending so much time there? Doesn't she have a home, or parents who would like to see her?