Feel so selfish since becoming a mum

[Katie2017]

Hi, new here (although been browsing for a few months) so I apologise if this is in the wrong part of the forum.

I had my DD 2 years ago and since then I have found myself becoming increasingly selfish. They say that becoming a parent makes you less selfish because you have someone else to look after, I have found the opposite to be true. Of course I look after my DD so I'm looking after someone else other than myself but I am only looking after the interests of my own family if you see what I mean and not anyone outside of my immediate family.

Before I became pregnant I was really busy with work but I still had time to do regular volunteer work in a shop (which I loved) and I would donate regularly to charity (usually around £50 per month).

Now I have no time at all to do these things because all my time and money is taken up with DD-don't get me wrong I love spending time and money on her and she deserves it since I created her and she never asked to be here. But still I miss all the selfless stuff I used to do to help outside of my own family and i really don't consider anything I do for my daughter to be "selfless" since I had her for my own happiness (don't most people have kids for that reason?) and I love every moment I spend with her.

I just miss the selfless person I used to be, I used to care so much about the world and try and volunteer as much as I could and donate all the time, now all I am focused on is my own family and their needs, which I guess at the end of the day is tied in with my own needs too (spending time and money with my child so she will grow up happy will also make me happy too etc.) I find it a very selfish thing to be just consumed with my own family but i just don't have the time to do anything else. My hubby would also never let me donate £50 a month on charity nowadays since DD always needs something. I'm not sure what advice I'm really looking for just wondering if anyone else felt the same?

I totally get you 100%

I have a nearly 3 and 4 year old and work outside the home and have very little left for anyone.

However - I am slowly clawing back time.

What you have to remember is you are creating a little person that is going to give so much back to society etc and these are the formative years !! So majorly important to nuture them

Also charity isn't just about money. Maybe you befriend a lonely person / make an extra effort with an elderly relative etc

Lots of kind/charitable gestures out there.

Wait until you start giving all of her toys and clothes to the charity shops, you will start giving back then. You will most likely give time to the school in a few years. As your dd gets older will be things you can do together to help others or your local area, in our area there are park groups, litter picking stuff etc but she is pretty small at the moment. You do get your life back just slowly.

You haven’t lost the person you were before, you’ve just put them on hold for a while!

As your daughter gets older you’ll have more time, more energy and more money to help out as you used to do.

Life is about stages, this stage isn’t conducive to volunteering but a later stage absolutely will be. You might even find ways to include your DD in your voluntary work as she grows up.

Both my 9 yo DC have done different types of voluntary work with DH and me - something I would have found impossible to imagine with 2 yo twins!

Hang on in there.

Raise her to understand that its good to give of yourself. Find ways to volunteer together (web she's older). Raise her to make a difference in the world.

I do get you. I used to work a full time job and a part time Jon and do two lots of regular volunteering (no idea how!). Part time job was youth worker in a bad area and full time was public servies / front facing.

Now I'm a SAHM to one DS with complex needs. Nothing else

Just started to pick up one of my old volunteering jobs. I donate clothes etc to charity. I do charity things for my sons hospital. I took in duplicate presents p our local Ronald Macdonald House. And hopefully I will raise a son who want to give to the world

You may find you can volunteer with toddler groups, school reading or PTA, girl guides or scouts etc as she moves through her childhood.

Thanks guys really appreciate this :) I hadn't thought about all the giving back I'll be able (hopefully) to do in a couple of years time.

wonderwoman-Yes I really hope to instil in her how important it is to help those less fortunate than us, it's always been so important to me, i hope she will feel the same.
Leaving-yeh I guess when you think about it there are loads of ways to give back and there will certainly be lots of clothes to donate over the years she has so many!
Penny-great you got your kids into voluntary work so early, bet they enjoyed it too.
Sleeping-I have no idea how I managed to volunteer either but I had so much more energy then it seems!
Grockle-some great ideas for the future there-thanks.

Katie one thing we do every year is take them to donate to the food bank just before Christmas.

It feels important to remind them how little other people have (people just down the road, not just in other countries) while we have so much.

Despite my best efforts usually get more Easter eggs than we can eat, so the children choose a few to donate rather than have them languish in the cupboard.

Penny that's a lovely thing to do food banks. Definitely want to instill the same values in my child as well, am I right in thinking most parents probably don't do this level of donating and charity though? Don't know, just no one I know does

My DC are involved with volunteering through Scouting/Guiding organisations and through church activities so I don’t see them as being particularly unusual, most of the families we meet through those activities do the same.

Our local schools also encourage voluntary work, children visiting and singing at the local old folks home, organising McMillian coffee mornings, organising and participating in charity fun runs etc

The Duke of Edinburgh Award scheme also has a key volunteering element.

You might find that more of the people you know volunteer than you think, they are just quiet about it.