Says "I love you" only when he's been naughty - how do I reply??

[Flowerpower147]

Hi there,

DS1 seems to say "I love you" mostly when he's in trouble, or when I'm annoyed (for example: he's just spilled his chocolate milk everywhere), or angry. He does it to placate me.

I understand where he's coming from but every time, I feel he uses it as a blackmail.

He sometimes does say "I love you" in neutral circumstances (ie out of the blue), and when he does that I make sure to tell him how happy I am that he said it.

But mostly, he says it just when I'm angry.

Any suggestions for smart/grown-up ways to answer?

So far, if I'm really angry (ie he's been very naughty or I am about to start 20 min of wiping chocolate all over the kitchen), all I manage to answer is "i love you too", but my voice is white with anger. Awful.

Any thoughts/suggestions welcome!!!

MyBrilliantDisguise - had to search for acronym what does ADs mean?? That is another interesting idea, PND. Have always been on the moody/angry side of life. Makes me sad when I read it but yes I seem to always have this underlying thing of 'i have too much on'. The guilt I carry is enormous (am I damaging my kids by working and studying blablabla).

OhTheRoses - yes about picking my battles... Or rather - if I choose my battles wrong, about admitting it there and then, backtracking, refusing to take the 'white anger' path because deep down I know it's not worth it....because he's not done anything wrong really... Also you are so right about new changes in his life... he burst in to tears when I first mentioned he had football after school a few days ago!

ADs are anti-depressants, sorry! They were great for me because instead of just hearing incessant nagging interrupting my complicated thoughts (lots going on at the time) I was able to stop thinking my complicated thoughts and pay attention to what he was saying. I then didn't interpret it as nagging, which meant I didn't feel resentful. He was answered first time which meant he was happier. They really were great for me at that time in my life.

Try not to make 'no' come into your decline and then it is easier to back track if you decide you really want to.
Child "Can I have more on my bread?"
You "Looks like you have plenty already, eat that first & see how you get on."
You could apply that to multiple different situations.

MyBrilliant - ahhhh of course. Yes understand. I am trying to apply tactics to react adequately for now, but if that doesn't work I might have to think about ADs.

Margo - excellent suggestion!! Never thought of it.... thank you!