4 year old with threatening language -HELP please

[fizzylemonade]

My DS1 is about to turn 4, is usually the most caring, sensitive child but has recently made friends with a boy at preschool who thinks every child is his own personal punch bag.
I have now stopped my son from playing with him due to the mother of the other boy doing nothing to prevent his aggression (he is well known for it at preschool and by other parents)
My son has now started saying things like "I'm going to hit you in the face" or "I'm going to stamp on your foot till it hurts"
Please tell me this is a phase and he will grow out of it, I am trying the 'this doesn't impress me face' whilst calmly saying "it is not nice to say those things" and then ignoring him. But to be honest I am horrified.

It is only words, and I can understand that it is upsetting but your ds is still the same kind person that he always was

This IS a phase and it will pass - I would stick with the calm "please don't say nasty things" talk and wait for the next problem to come along instead

Say to him

"If you want to say horrible things like that, go to your bedroom and say them. YOu will not speak to me like that, or anyone else!"

I am not sure colditz, I think providing a very calm non aggressive role model at the moment might be a good thing, you know? What do you think?

Good also.

I was thinking, not so much threatening telling off, ie, no punishment for the language, but more very disapproving, so he knows she isn't pleased and is not indifferent.

But, total indifferance could be the key too. I know my 4 year old would ignore it, and be ashamed of himself if I expressed horror, but I am aware that they are all very different.

Yes, I do totally see what you mean, and I have followed that line with my ds at times, but I am not sure what good it does long term except just make them feel ashamed and uncomfortable

I think feeling disapproved of is pretty nasty isn't it

we are agreed he is just experimenting? If not much happens he may stop sooner, perhaps?

yes.

I would try franny's method first, TBH, not mine.

Yes, so would I, if I was a perfect parent

(I think I tried the other way first and it has not worked )

I think it is made worse by the fact that this boy he played with is made to sit out at preschool, sometimes not allowed to play out with everyone else because of his aggression and maybe my son sees it as a way to get attention so behaves like him????

It is so out of character for my son, he is the one who bursts into tears over the slightest thing, gives a teddy bear to my DS2 when he cries and rubs his back to stop him crying!!!

Hopefully it is a phase and I can just look back and laugh

and perfectlemonade please don't be horrified

If this is the worst thing he ever does it will be a ruddy miracle

he is a 4 year old boy and they have strange and dark corners to them that we never dreamt of when we stroked their little baby cheeks

don't make him feel that you disapprove of whole chunks of his personality - he is going to be experimenting with aggression over the next few years I am afraid

He sounds an absolute darling

just love him and show him this isn't the way to behave

think long term not here and now

Hey Franny

I do try to see all the good stuff that he does because basically he is a fab boy, I just scared that maybe he had had a taste of being nasty and was heading over to the dark side

And he is still angelic in so many ways so I am clinging to that!

They have to walk on the dark side a bit

I am struggling to accept this myself, shall we start a support group?

I honestly think kids are more likely to go wrong because they haven't had enough approval as children, than because they have been allowed to say the 4 year old boy equivalent of "stinky poo head" without being punished

My ds's best one was "I am going to chop you into little bits and then eat you and then POO YOU OUT"

LOLOLOLOL

oh dear they will send our grey hairs in sorrow to the grave

My friend's little boy shouting "I am going to kick you in the EYEBALLS!" at his mother today.

I had to stick my face under the table!

Franny, how are you with 7-8yo boys?

Oh gawd they just get worse don't they?

7 and 8, I think I will need serious help at that stage

is that what you are kindly going to suggest TooTicky?

No, I was hoping you would prove to be a fountain of wisdom regarding hyper-sensitive nearly 8yo boys with a Temper who lash out at siblings (except his darling baby sister). In an optimistic kind of way.

My DS2 is about to turn 4, and is exactly the same.

"If you don't give me biscuits now I'm going to hit you!"

Needless to say , he doesn't get any buiscuts, but neither does he hit me.

I presume it's a phase - DS1 didn't warn us, he just hit us, and he finally grew out of it.

Oh Ticky you are very kind

and optimistic

I think boys are very very needy and insecure in my very limited experience

I think most of the aggression is a defence thing, putting up barriers, protecting themselves

they are so much more sensitive and vulnerable than girls

Yes they are so lovely

I often have to hunt my ds down an squash him with my arms

It may be a man's world, but it's a girl's school.

Boys are a bit of a shock really. Still. I grew up an only child with a single mother and I'm not sure any of the boys at school were actually human. Or they didn't show it. Complicated beasts. But my ds's are darling if a trifle bizarre at times. And challenging...