Opinion on crappy husband

[Xmaxsmumx]

It's our anniversary on Monday, we are going out for it tomorrow. We have a 12 week old, and husband has been working late all week. All I asked was he lets me have a bath on Friday to let me do some false tan ready for Sunday. Friday-he works late. Tonight at 4 he goes to get his hair cut but phones me if he should call in to his mums to see his brother because it's his birthday on Monday, I said it's not really ok because I've not been able to have 1 minute to myself or is really-I'd not even had the chance to shower today by this point! Never mind think about false tan. He then tells me st 6.30 he went to his mums anyway despite me asking him not to and if he could go in the morning for all the time he wants.
After a string of texts arguing he turns up at 9.15pm drunk.
Am I wrong for being pissed off?
Literally all I wanted was him to think of me and give me some time.

That's shit. Really shit. I can kind of understand the working late (these things happen) but tonight? That's not on.

My opinion is that your husband is a dick. Forget the anniversary, birthday etc - you need some time to yourself every week, not just so that you can prep for a night out with him.

He needs to step up or fuck off!

I understand him working late, that's not his fault. He's trying his best for our family.. what i mean by that is that I'd originally said on Thursday I'd like a bath on the Friday night-but he ended up working late. That's ok. But tonight when he had plans to go to his mums in the morning for a few hours I'd really have liked him to come home so that we could spend time together plus I'd really have liked my bath and tan time away from all my house hold duties .. not wait until 8pm
When I've ran around the house putting 3 wash loads in, 3 wash loads out, sweep up, Hoover up made the tea etc all while entertaining and looking after the baby. He can't see why I'm upset? He's saying he was only going for 20 minutes - it never is 20 minutes..it takes 20 minutes alone to say bye..but because I had a go at him because he'd said he'd come home but then totally ignored me, he thought he might aswell stay and have a few drinks since we were arguing anyway..????

Exactly - it's completely ignoring your requests and needs, which is not ok. Does he have form for this or is it a one off...?

And this morning can you disappear into the bathroom and leave him to look after baby? It's probably not how you envisaged your bath but at least you'll get it.

You'll have to talk to him about this and ensure that you get regular time to yourself.

Recently he had form definatly, he keeps doing this nearly every week. I have cried asking him to change his attitude and prioritise me & thebaby, and he says he does but I have don't make any effort with his family (I do, I just don't feel the need to live in their pockets like he does. They see the baby once a week..and we agreed we'd go around every Sunday) he literally can not see my point for last night. He thinks if every time we argue about him not prioritising me and the baby if he says I don't make an effort with his family it'll be ok (I do...I just don't want to see them 2/3 times a week)

I feel so hateful towards him. Really, I actually hate him right now. I can't love a man who is so selfish, and also tries to manipulate situations to make it poor him (he's sick and tired of his days off being spoilt by me being upset with him). I'm scared for our marriage. This is obviously going to continue. Stay and fight for us because of the baby - or get out before the baby is old enough to understand??

Can you make his Sunday visits your time off? Stay home and let him take the baby for a couple of hours while you spend some time relaxing - don't clean or do jobs, just put your feet up.

He sounds very selfish and I'm not convinced he'll ever get better - having a new baby is such a massive change, but it's the one time that most dads will actually step up and give you some proper help because they understand that both physically and emotionally you've been through a lot.

I wouldn't advocate leaving or making any massive changes right now, because it's a hard time for everyone, but this is definitely him showing you who he is as a husband and dad. Which is a self centred unhelpful one who pisses off out for the night instead of giving you some much needed time off.

Separating isn't an easy option, especially with such a young baby, as you will end up doing everything yourself every day, but it sounds like you already do and at least if you split you might get a few hours off each week when he has access.

At your baby's age it's unlikely that he would get overnights for quite some time, but even if he had the baby for a few hours once or twice a week, the rest of the time you wouldn't have to put up with his sorry arse.

I'd be thinking of it as an option for the future if he doesn't sort his priorities out. xx

I can't do Sunday visits just for him to go and give me some time because he has this massive thing that when ever he goes to see his mum and dad, I have to go aswell. We usually go To my mums 3-6 of a Sunday and that's it for the week. But every single Sunday I make sure I say to him - you don't have to come, you can do what you ever you'd rather do. He was wanting to call into his mums when ever he felt like it, I had to go too but when I'd say no it's not convenient- that is me not making an effort. So that's where we came up with the agreement of we'll go to his mums before mine of a Sunday.
He's saying he just wants to "have fun" I've tried explaining that things change with a baby- his bed time is 7-7.30.. my fun is seeing him smile and laugh, and then just spending the time talking and laughing with my husband.
He says he just wants to get out the house, go for walks in the park etc.. I explained last time we did that last week I suggested we go to a park I know he likes as a family and have a nice day in the sun .. when we pulled up in the car park he'd arranged for his mum dad and niece to meet me there. But hadn't told me until they were there because he knew I'd be disappointed. I literally just don't know what to do anymore.

Are you still planning on going out with him for you Anniversary?

Yes, only because if we work through it I don't want to remember our first anniversary as me sitting at home crying. I've just pretty much said I'm sick of segueing, I've told him what I think, I'll just pretend everything's fine now even when it's not. There'll just be a day then I've had enough and leave. I can't put the baby through any more atmosphere.

Is the baby your only child?
If so it's still early days. You are probably knackered and your dp is not stepping up - either because he doesn't want to or because he doesn't realise how bad it is for you yet.
If it's the latter you have a chance but he needs to have it laid on the line exactly how bad it is for you.

Sorry, meant to come back earlier. Hope he's given you some time to get ready. Hadn't realised it was your first anniversary. Hope you have a nice evening, if you can.