Moving away and leaving teen with dad?

[BenionAboral]

Not sure if this is the right place to post, sorry. Just need a bit of advice from other mums...

We've just found out that my husband is probably going to be offered a job (it's a once in a lifetime opportunity that we've been hoping for for years) but it's two hours away from where we live, it would mean leaving my eldest (he's 14) with his dad while he finishes his last few years of school up here. Our youngest two would be coming as they're in primary school so would adapt more easily.

My eldest's dad is amazing, we get on great and he's 100% supportive so no worries there but it breaks my heart the thought of living away from my son, even though he said he definitely wants to stay rather than coming with us. Obviously he'll stay with us most weekends and school holidays but after having him with me for the last 14 years it's an absolutely massive change and I don't want him to feel like we're being selfish and abandoning him.

Would I be a totally awful parent if we chose to go? I'm completely torn at the moment.

I think it is a very personal think. I don't think I could do it. I would assume that a 14 year old would soon be starting to want to spend the weekends and holidays around his friends.

The trouble is that if you are moving two hours away then how will his father see him if he comes with you? Then he would only see him on weekends. Either way he will miss out on one parent during the week. I am guessing the younger two are your husband's? As long as he is happy and will work with your dh for GCSEs then I think that it makes sense to have continuity. He can join you for A levels.

I couldn't possibly do it - it is your choice at the end of the day - but inevitably you are choosing your husband over your son and you may have to deal with the fall out from that later on in life. Even if your son is remarkably unaffected by being left behind, you may well have to accept that you have a very different and more distant relationship with him. Most likely he will stay with his dad for 6th form/college so your son will be leaving your home for good at 14? Is that really what you want??? For the sake of a job?

When you say "our youngest two" - are these your children with your current husband? If so, you really are opening a massive can of worms here for your son. I can't imagine how you repair the damage of the message you are sending that my new husband and our children are much more important than you.

No I don't think you'd be an awful parent at all!

If your ds and his dad get on well and he wants/is happy to stay with his dad, why would it make you awful to go?

Bottom line is if you move away your ds will only get to see either his Mum or Dad at the weekend

Yes younger two are my husbands

Mn is littered with threads by parents where the other parent has moved away and the detrimental affect it has had on the children being left behind. If your son has lived with you full-time until now and you are planning to send him to his dad's so your husband can pursue a job then the message you are sending to him is very clear. Personally I couldn't do it, and TBH I would find it very hard not to judge someone who did. You'll basically be turning your back on a relationship with your son, because he's reaching an age where he'll want to spend weekends and holidays with his friends, so it's highly likely he won't want to see you much once the move actually goes ahead.

What's this fantastic once in a lifetime opportunity that's only two hours away so not even in another country etc?

Well, it's not an easy choice, and if this is what your DH has been waiting for I can see that it's hard to turn down. As pp have said though, this decision could be the one that shapes your relationship with your eldest DS in the future. Especially so if your younger children are those of you and your current DH. No one can tell you what the "right" answer is, it depends entirely on your own circumstances and family dynamics, but to be honest I can't imagine any circumstances that would see me voluntarily separated from my 14 year old.

I think you are dong the right thing you have to take these opportunities and you are lucky you ex is able to look after him. Go for it !
My kids board full time so I don't see them either

Your dh should work away until ds finishes his schooling.

I couldn't imagine leaving my 14 year old. As others say it will be the start of a different type of relationship and that's not something I'd want to instigate. You would be making a pretty clear choice.

Agree with effic
He won't want to be away every weekend as he will have parties to go to etc. Can't DH work away in the week and come home weekends?

I think if it's the right thing for your family and your son is happy with the option of staying with your Dad you should go for it. Ultimately he has two homes, and if he feels as settled with his Dad then it's not unusual with divorced kids. Would you be able to travel back some weekends so he doesn't need to miss activities etc

I couldn't leave my DS - particularly knowing that 'every weekend and most of the holidays' is simply not going to be the reality with a teen who is going to want to spend time with his mates and as time passes will probably visit you less and less. I agree with the PPs who say your DH should go Mon and come home Fri while you stay where you are. Your DS will be grown up before you know it and you will miss his final years as a DC if you move away.

Can't your DH work away Mon- Friday for a few years? It is not that unusual.

My dad moved away, 7 hrs away! When I was 14
We rebuilt our relationship when I was 34
20 yrs of bare minimum contact
Spose we do have Facebook and Skype
Etc now

I couldn't do this, no.