Independent play at what age?

[ImMrsBrightside]

My DD is just coming up to 10 months. First child.

MIL was over today and seems to always make reference to how I should be leaving her to play on her own and how I play her too much attention.

This is tricky as right now all she wants to do is pull up to stand and attempt to climb everything. But more to the point, isn't she a little young to be expected to be left on her own for long periods? She has a few signs of separation anxiety and I am aware this is the right age for that to start. I am able to leave her for a short while i.e. with some toys on her play mat or in her chair while I do a few jobs, but she doesn't last longer than ten/fifteen minutes (at most!) before she is bored or wanting attention.

Today MIL told me that she should be fine if I leave her on her own. I sort of laughed it off as a "yeh right, won't be long before she needs me" and she told me that I should just leave her to cry and then she will soon learn to play on her own!

Granted I tend to favour an attachment/gentle parenting approach and know MIL thinks I a naive, hippy first time mum, but that comment really pissed me off! Surely I independent play is something she will grow into? What age is reasonable to expect this to take place? Am I being over the top with DD?

When DD was whining I would ignore it a bit and 9/10 she would stop and play. But if she was crying I would sing songs, interact, pick up.

You know your baby. Do what you want.

Oh and I think independant play happened around 9months but not for very long. Every child is different.

I think 10/15 mins us good at that age, it will build up over time.

They're all different, but 10-15 minutes sounds pretty good to me at that age!

Ignore your MIL. Mine would say exactly the same kind of thing. I sometimes think her main aim was to spend as little time as possible with her DC! I guess parenting styles have changed since then.

Haha Tilapia! I often think the same. She is always bragging about how she used to leave her DD for ages in her activity seat and she'd come back and find her asleep!

I thought ten/fifteen minutes was good too! But I am probably being slightly generous here

I don't always respond to whinging - I can't at this stage or I would be constantly helping DD stand! - but I wouldn't have thought leaving her to cry would encourage her to think "ok, no one is coming. I will now play on my own"

Short periods like you describe is entirely normal and age appropriate.

Ignore the MIL and do what you like. I'm
Always accused of pandering to my dd but she's 18 months old and my stance is:
A) they aren't there all day so what would they know about what you do and don't do
B) you know when to pay attention and when not to, she is your child and you know best!
C) they will all start to do things at different rates with stages and phases and you manage it how you see fit
I hate opinionated people when it comes to children!
Keep up the good work!

Thanks Snackerella!

And everybody for your replies

Hi! My baby is about the same age. She used to play even about half an hour by herself, but since she started moving much more I guess also the separation anxiety hit in, plus I have to look at her much more often. One thing I realized, is that if she doen't see me, she is playing much better by herself. Cause if I get into her sight again she would start crying immediately so that I have to pick her up etc.
Good luck, it's just a period that will go away. I will start to take mine to meet more kids so that she will learn playing with others too.

Have a look at Janet Lansbury. DD is a 2nd child with a small-ish age gap. I followed her ideas to an extent more out of necessity as I already had a high needs DS. She is now 16mo and can potter on her own with little input for an hour plus. Particularly if her brother isn't there to annoy hurt and snatch her.

There's something in letting them grizzle slightly. I wouldn't have did it first time round. With DD I would acknowledge the grizzling, talk to her saying something like "I can see your getting bored/frustrated/etc but mummy is doing x right now and I'll be with you shortly". Often by the time I'd finished dealing with DS she'd have gotten over it and was happy again.

Full scale screaming is different though.

10/15 minutes is great for 10 months. Just follow your instincts and ignore MIL.

I always sat them on the floor near whatever I was doing (or in a playpen) with cardboard boxes or the laundry basket full of bits and pieces for them to explore. I wouldn't rush to pick them up at first whine but then they could usually see me.

Don't be pressured by anyone else if what you're doing works for you! With dc1 I got comments like 'you wouldn't be able to do that if you had several other children all needing your attention' well I didn't so did what worked best at the time. If you're happy with your approach that's the most important thing. I didn't leave dc1 to cry or try and push her to be independent but nursery teacher and staff at an open toddler group thing we go to have spontaneously told me she is a very secure child several times. That is probably just her personality but means that not pushing her into being independent did not turn her into a clingy toddler she got there in her own time.
Another thing I read is to give lots of positive feedback when they're doing what you want them to do so if dc1 is playing nicely I try and praise her/comment on what she's doing. Idea being she knows she has my attention without having to play up or attack the baby etc. I think it helps. So even though she's nearly 2 I wouldn't just leave her for an hour but I get on with other things at the same time and chat to her at the same time.