Does your partner help with night feeds?

[BR1007]

Hi ladies.
So this has become quite a debate in our house and id love to hear other parents experiences!
I am on maternity leave and we have a 9 week old son and my husband works full time shifts. The way his shifts work out, he may do 3-4 12 hour shifts in a row, then has 4 days off etc. which i agree is a lot of work (as i did the same before maternity leave)
As i dont agree with him getting up when he is on his shifts, i would like some help when he is on his days off, but he doesn't seem to agree. He says as he still works full time then he should be getting a full nights sleep every night and doesn't know any other men help their wives when they are on maternity (as thats what mat leave is for)
Our son is formula fed, so my husband could easily help.
He is averaging 8-10 hour nights sleep and im lucky if i get 4.
What im wondering is, am i being unreasonable by expecting a bit of help on his days off or is it normal for working partners to help?
Thank u

I would expect some help on his days off. Perhaps in the form of him getting up with the baby in the morning and you getting an uninterrupted couple of hours at least once a week. Also is he doing his share of hw and cooking etc?

Basically , are you getting a break op?

well you need to point out to him that just as he gets a break - you want a break. Why does he think you should have broken sleep every night and he should always get a full nights sleep?

WHy should being a parent not change his life in the slightest?

Yes my husband helped at night and he had a full on 5 day a week job. First baby he often went to work knackered from helping settle the baby in the night or getting up to support me (I was bf).

Maternity leave isn't a holiday it's a fucking exhausting job - all day long - ask him why he thinks your job should be 24 hours a day when his certainly isn't?

I think in these situations you need to let him discover for himself how hard it is looking after a baby in the day by leaving him for a few hours asap. Get him to do one night of feeds then ask him the next day how shit he would feel if he did that every single night...

also - I went back to work when my little one was 9 months old and still feeding at night - so I know exactly what it is like to go to work on 2 or 3 hours sleep. Its hideous but you know what.....women do it all the time!

I found that at work I could drink coffee and stare into space and take a nice lunch break - in many ways much less tiring than looking after a baby.

Could he do the last feed at night and first one in the morning, so you could get to bed a bit earlier and up a bit later?

He does help with the housework, he is very good with that and actually maybe does as much as i do. The difference is, when he does the HW i am looking after the little one...but when i do the HW its when the baby is sleeping. So i dont get much of a break at all from anything, and my hubby says things like "all other women cope fine with it all, especially night feeds so why cant you?" Which makes me feel shit!

Mine works continental shifts and when we had our last baby he placed the Moses basket on his side of the bed. I asked why (as I breastfeed) and he said, "Well I can get the baby out while you get yourself ready to feed him.

He did it when he was working the next day too. I did eventually send DH to sleep in the spare room on the nights before working because I though him having a good sleep was better.

You DH should be helping on those nights he's not working. There is absolutely no reason why it should be just you. And as for other women doing it? Fuck that! Tell the caveman to wake up. Every woman is different and whilst SOME do it all, very few do these days because we're not married to Neanderthals.

You're not being unreasonable at all. When our daughter was born, my husband was working full time (albeit 9-5 not shifts) and also starting a business and then when she was 4 months old, he was working full-time as self-employed including evenings (could be 50-60 hours a week some weeks). He was up every feed during the night until she was 9 months old (when she dropped her night feeds) and then since then we have traded off on nighttime settling depending on who needs sleep more, has the earlier wake up, busier day the next day, etc. When she was having feeds, he would make the bottle while I tended to her, changed her, etc. He did this every night, regardless of whether it was a work night or not. We reasoned we could each survive on 5-6 hours of sleep a night, so it made no sense for one of us (me) to be dragging on less while the other had more than they really needed. If he has days when he especially needs sleep (like when he's doing shifts) and absolutely can't have less than 8 hours (though I find that hard to believe), then at least he should be up helping you the other nights.

I really really struggle on very little sleep, my oh with our first put her in our bed then I breastfed, then he would take her back to her bed. Now even though he works ft 9-5 kinda job and I'm pt he does the majority of resettling in the night as I'm pregnant with number 2. We work as a team trying to play to each others strengths, you oh needs to step up if that's where you need the help.

My DH has never been up for a night feed and DD is 10 months. In the beginning I didn't see the point of us both getting up as DD was EBF until 6 months and I'd have ended up having to express in the night anyway as I had a huge oversupply.

I did start to resent having to do it all though on weekends once she'd self-weaned and my boobs were no longer required! It did cause some friction so now even though I do still do the odd night feed (DD sleeps through 75% of the time), if it's the weekend I'll have a lie in.

I'll admit to feeling a bit envious of mums whose partners chipped in more but I don't think my set-up is that unusual from talking to friends and family. The important thing is whether you're happy with it or not. I was up to a certain point but then when I wasn't things did change. If you are unhappy then you need to stand your ground.

He's talking pish by saying partners don't help with baby feeding. They might not be holding the bottle/offering a breast(!) but they can do other things like prep bottles/burp/sooth.

We ended up on formula and our split was as follows: from 6pm - midnight DS was my husband's responsibility. I did from midnight onwards (meant I could go to bed at 8/9pm and get a couple of hours in). My husband works mon-fri 9 - 5.30pm. He didn't dare complain!

It does sound like he's trying to shame you into doing all night feeds by comparing you to these other fictitious mums. That's deeply unpleasant behaviour.

I did all the night feeds because I was breastfeeding.

But the main issue here IMO is that you're not feeling supported. Him saying "all other women cope fine with it" is not a kind or helpful thing to say!

Can you find a compromise? You do the night feeds but get a lie in on the days he's not working? Or he takes the baby out for a couple of hours in the day?

YANBU He is being a dick. You have just had his baby and should get a break too. Do you have family nearby that could stay and help you out?

My dh works about 90 hours a week but used to get up for night feeds when he had time off, as well as at other times if i was really struggling. His behaviour is really unpleasant and he clearly has no understanding of what its like looking after a baby 24/7. Dont be doing the housework while baby is napping either, catch up on some sleep and let him pick up the house work.

In the early days, DH had DS from 8pm-2am. Then once he hit about 6 weeks old he'd have DS from 8pm-midnight. DS is now 8 months and DH does none of the night wakings unless there's an issue calpol related issue that tends to wake the whole house! DH still does bath and bed routine most nights.

Your DH needs to pull his socks up

When he was on pat leave we both did the night wakings (baby couldn't bf so I expressed while he took care of input).

When he went back to work on workdays we both did the waking as we went to bed and the one three hours later. The one three hours after that (around 5am) I did on my own and skipped an express. So it was split fairly equally but also allowed him to get a decent stretch of sleep before work.

My husband works regular hours and is out of the house for work from 8-6.30 each day. We are both up together for the 8pm and midnight feeds and he then gets up when baby wakes for her 3am feed and goes to sleep in another room so he has a few undisturbed hours.
I think all partners should help out at least once in the night! You can survive on 6-7 hours sleep across the night and having a full time job for a few months, plus that time together in the middle of the night can be the only time you see each other sometimes!

I breastfeed but we share the night wakenings (rocking, patting and cuddling post feed) if feeding hasn't got baby back to sleep.

Also share any lie ins.

I'd expect him to help out on the nights where he doesn't have to get up for work. My DH would have got up and done the nappy change and then I would have done the feeding. Or on nights where I was completely exhausted, he would have done both if I asked. You both have full time jobs, the only difference is that he gets a break and time to rest and you don't, that doesn't seem fair or very kind on his part.

Dh did the 1.00 am feed with me (twins on bottles) Then moved to the spare room and slept through the 5.00 am feed which I did alone. DH then got up early and made up all the bottles for the next day, and did a fair amount of housework, before leaving for work. I stayed in bed (tea and toast delivered to my bedside) and did the 9.00 am feed before getting myself and DTs up.

That was during the week, at weekends we muddled through together, but kept to our feed-every-four-hours routine which kept us sane.

No but i BF. He might have changed the odd nappy during the night.

I was lucky. My partner helped out a lot. He works three twelve hour shifts a week so I was very fortunate he would help if he wasn't working the day after.

Just before you are on maternity doesn't mean he cannot help every so often. I believe in equal roles with parenting. My oh takes my son to school etc.

My partner works 9 - 5 Monday to Friday. He covers night feeds Thurs, Friday and Saturday night.

Who are all these other women who cope fine that he knows? How does he know that? Do they text him at 2 am that they're up with the baby but it's fine cos they can cope. What utter bollocks. Selfish git, this is his baby as well. Maternity leave is leave from work, tell chump face it doesn't cover nights, so that means any time not spent at work needs to be shared between you that you're BOTH happy with.

I did all the night feeds as DC were breastfed but DH did everything else - cooked dinner; left me a packed lunch; rocked and cuddled and carried them in a sling when they wouldn't nurse to sleep; got up in the middle of the night to sit with a wakeful toddler so I could sleep.