More experienced parents please tell me this is normal (Reception settling!)

[JessiCake]

DD is in many ways settling in better to Reception than we thought she would (she has always been a Velcro child so the long day without me is a big deal for her). Loves her teacher, is enjoying the activities hugely and even enjoying lunch.

She's coming home every day though saying she was 'too sad' to play with anyone at playtime. I think this is her view of it, that she misses me so feels too sad to join in anything, but I also think it's that she's struggling to know who to play with and how to join in others' games.

There are (naturally) several very confident children in the class who have come from the same nursery and I know that DD often struggles when she feels she's watching 'everyone' play together (it's never 'everyone', of course, but in her mind that's all she notices!) and hangs back, understandably.

I know she was crying at playtime today :( which just breaks my heart.

I also know she's only 4 and that I mustn't put adult feelings into it. I know 4 year olds can be quite happy on their own and I also know she's coming back very positiive about school.

But she's a sociable little thing, once she's feeling more confident, and I also know she's sensitive (highly!!) and will be feeling uneasy without a little group of pals like she had at nursery. The more uneasy she feels, the longer it will take her to stop missing me.

Is this normal (she's only been there a week, but I worry!) and is there anything I can do to help her with playground issue, beyond just being upbeat and cheerful about the whole experience?

Thanks in advance!

I would grab a teacher to check what's happening. Either at drop off or pick up, or you can ring the school and ask to talk to her at a break time.
I had a friend who's little one was unsettled and the teachers took some photos of her during the day to reassure the mum.
It is heartbreaking though.
Kxx

Oh, thank you Katy, that's so nice and such a helpful piece of advice.

Will try to grab the teacher tomorrow at drop-off or call them.

DD sobbed and sobbed at drop-off this morning and had to be prised off me :( I think she's just really struggling with the time away from me and the uncertainty of playtime etc. I think she's OK in 'lesson' time and really loving it, when there is structure.

If it's separation anxiety, could you do something like swapping a little photo keyring at drop off - she "looks after" the photo of you, and you "look after" the photo of her. Tell her that although you're not with her when she's at school, when you look at her keyring during the day you will think lovely thoughts about what a fun day she must be having, and (with the teachers permission), she can look at yours if she's feeling lonely or sad. Then swap them back again at collection time.

It's about them knowing that you're keeping them in mind - you're still looking after her even when you're not physically there.

The socializing thing will need to be addressed by the teacher - perhaps she can buddy her up with another child or help her to integrate better with groups of children at playtime. This is all a part of learning in Reception.

Thanks Pugwalls.

I've gone back into my box of tricks I used to use at nursery drop-off (it's not like DD doesn't have form for this...!) so today for example I pretended I had filled up her 'cuddle tank' and that she could just take out a cuddle whenever she was missing me. I've popped a little note in her book bag saying I Love You, See You Soon so she can go to get that if she's sad... matching key-rings another one worth trying though, thank you. Will try anything!

Do you agree I should mention the socialising thing to the teacher, or do you think they will be 'on' it? It's such early days I don't want to give them the impression (inaccurately!!) that I'm a helicopter mother... I do trust the staff and think in fact they're already trying to manage the situation a bit by setting up a colouring table etc at playtime for anyone who wants something to do.

But should I speak to them explicitly about it? Will they think I'm being pfb??!

hi op - from my experience as a parent who did reception last year - I think you really should speak to the teacher. I don't think it's okay or acceptable for a child to be sad or feel they can't play with other children - teachers should be facilitating play at that age.

What sort of playground is it? Our reception class playground is small and has a lot of toys in it - they get a chance to go ithe big playground but most play is done in an area with a lot of activity for them. If it's a big playground it's not surprising she is finding it tricky to get on and play with others.

I would definitely speak to the teacher - they need to make sure she makes friends and integrates into other group activity.

If schools want 4 year olds to be there all day they need to look after them - in my opinion !!

waterrat thank you!

It's a big playground, the older children are there too. Two 'big girls' asked DD if she wanted to play with them yday (I suspect prompted by a teacher) but she said no apparently.

I was surprised it was all of them out there all at once, it seems a lot to me. I think DD is overwhelmed and can't even identify/find classmates even if she wanted to play with them, if that makes sense?

Chat to the teacher and ask if there are any play dates you could encourage.

Alanna thank you, I was thinking about that last night actually.

there were two girls DD seemed to bond with in the first couple of days but she's not mentioned them since, when I ask about them she says they are playing with other people.

I don't want to push her or make her feel uncomfortable but I know her and she's actually a very sociable little thing and sensitive to feeling 'excluded' even if she's not being excluded at all, just that it's busy and lots of them are already playing together/friends from nursery etc.

definitely talk to teacher, if only to say dd seems upset because she isn't playing with anyone at playtime.

It is in teacher's interest to get her settled in well.

Continue with all the transition stuff. dd2 needed it all through year 1! She was fine as soon as she walked through the door, but found the transition/crossing the threshold hard. (every single day for 2 years - aargh!) once in she was happy as Larry and loved school, it was just walking through the door and leaving me that killed her. Tears and sobs and then she was fine.

Once in year 3 (year 3!!!) she had been so bad (temper tantrum as well) that I phoned school. the lovely receptionist went off, asked TA and came back and told me that as soon as I had gone she was fine.