Not enough love for firstborn?

[chchchchchangess]

I've nc'ed for this as it's just so heinous I couldn't bear to out myself. I had DC2 just a few days ago and I'm absolutely smitten with them. DC1 is obviously acting out now, but DH is bearing the brunt of it while I recuperate and look after the newborn. Now, I adore DC1, of course, was absolutely besotted with them prior to the arrival of DC2, but now it's like I don't even recognise them. Not their behaviour, I mean, like they're somebody else's child, almost? I don't feel that overwhelming love for them anymore, it's all directed at DC2. I thought people always said the heart grows bigger when you have another DC so there's enough love to go round, or they worry that they won't love the new one as much as the existing child, but for me it's the other way round! I feel terrible about this. Can anyone relate?

I must add, the first weeks with DC1 were really stressful, and I didn't feel 'the love' til they were maybe 4w old, but after that it just grew and grew til it felt like they were the most amazing child in the universe. So what's happened?! It's knocked me for six

I so get what you mean, I really really do.
Dc2 has just turned 2 and it was only up until a few months ago that I felt the same as you.

When dc2 was born I was googling "regretting having a second child" by the time they were 8 weeks old I felt like you about dc1, a complete 360 turn.

Dc1 was terribly jealous of dc2, her behaviour went to pot and she regressed too, it made my tolerance levels very low of her. I do think she now feels second best at times which is heartbreaking and I'm working on repairing any damage I've caused.

I became irritated by her and very protective of the baby.

I felt very overwhelmed with dd1 when she was born, almost on the verge of being neurotic with the worry of "am I doing ok, is she healthy etc". When dd2 came along although the first 6 weeks were hard I felt more in control and resented dd1 from taking away time spent with dd2 as I was confident in my abilities iyswim?

Please try and include dc1 and not let them feel these vibes, it's really damaging, they are feeling lost as it is with having a new sibling.
I went to gp after 3 months as realised I was suffering pnd.

There is a 3 year age gap so dd1 had just turned 3, looking back I realise she was still a baby herself, but comparing her to my newborn at the time she seemed like an grown up.

Sorry such a long reply but I felt really lost with these thoughts a while back, guilt and shame, now I realise I was a little depressed at the time, although dd2 is a much more placid child

Thank you so much for replying and making me feel like I'm not some monster! DH is doing everything in his power to make DC1 not feel left out and I'm trying too. You're so right about the age gap - DC1 is 4.5 and suddenly seems like a grown up compared to the tiny baby, so it's almost like I want to protect the baby from DC1, who's big and boisterous by comparison and not as cute.

I hope it passes soon, I desperately don't want to mess up the lovely relationship I have (had? ) with my firstborn.

The fact that you care enough to post this even though your dc1 is just a few days old tells me your a loving, caring mum and most certainly no monster

Be gentle on yourself (and dc1) for the first few months, having a second is hard and there are lots of conflicting emotions. I found it both mentally and physically exhausting still do 2 years on and we are a great little family unit and my love for both my dd is very much balanced now.
Good luck op

Oh OP, I feel for you. I had a very similar experience. Same age gap. First couple of weeks I was pretty much consumed with DS2. DH did a great job of entertaining DS1, taking him out, etc. I still loved DS1, of course I did, but he just seemed so big and loud and... odd, next to tiny, fragile, pure newborn DS2. My heart sang every time I looked at DS2. DS1 was, understandably, being a bit annoying and needy.

Anyway, after a couple of weeks DS1 started to ask for something, and before he could finish I went to say - "I can't do that right now, ask Daddy." And he looked at me funny and said, "I wasn't going to ask you, I was asking Daddy." And in that moment I looked at this child who had grown so close to his Daddy, and I saw him, really saw him properly for the first time in weeks, and I MISSED him dreadfully. I got a big surge of love and protectiveness all over again for my beautiful older boy, and in that moment my heart kind of pinged back into its proper shape with equal space enough for both of them.

Sounds a bit odd written down, words don't do it justice, but I hope it can be of reassurance to you.

Oh Seraphina, your post has left me in tears. Thank you so much, it makes so much sense. I made a point of leaving DC2 with DH today so I could give DC1 a bath, and just play with them. They were so happy to have my undivided attention and I was so happy to reconnect with them, and be reminded how beautiful and funny and creative they are. Things feel brighter already

I'm so pleased you've had that chance to reconnect with DC1. All your love for them is still there in your heart - it's just had to shift around a bit to make space for DC2. It'll settle down in time. My DS2 is 2 now and my love for them both is immense.

I felt like this too for a while and felt awful! 4.5 year age gap too. Now they're both older it's back to being equal love. I think it must be a fierce protective love for a newborn/baby that the over for a while!

Your hormones are doing it. It will settle. Try not to worry.

*takes over

That's great op - lovely update

I had this to a slightly lesser extent too, DD was 3.5 and she seemed so huge and sturdy, petulant and just suddenly old.

I really enjoyed when dd2 was able to be left for a while and I could do bedtime to reconnect etc.

I'm many years down the line, put in maximum effort with your eldest, he needs it now. Keep the baby clean, fed, warm, but big up the eldest, involve him in everything. I made a big mistake and it's still an issue for my eldest. X